SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Candice Bergen’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
…..Jane Curtin
…..Candice Bergen
…..Lorne Michaels
…..John Belushi
Louis…..Tom Schiller
Sam…..Garrett Morris

Don Pardo: [ announcing ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Candice Bergen!

[ audience applauds wildly, but Candice is nowhere to be found on Home Base ] [ Jane Curtin and Joe Dicso rush upon Home Base, nervous, as Jane runs offstage and down to hall to Candice’s dressing room ]

Jane Curtin: Candy? You’ve gotta come out, they’re waiting for you, the show is starting.

Candice Bergen: [ muffled behind closed door ] Um.. I-I-I really can’t do it, Jane.. I’m just too frightened.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that’s silly! You’ve done this show before, it was great!

Candice Bergen: Well.. it’s just that I only did it to be close to him, Jane.. Don’t you see? When I was with him, I wasn’t afriad of anything!

Jane Curtin: Candy, forget him, he’s not worth it, no man is – especially John Belushi.

Candice Bergen: I can’t forget him, Jane. We shared so much together. When he held me in his arms, we had something special.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that was cellulite you felt.

Candice Bergen: It’s not cellulite. John just gives that appearance on television – he explained it to me, the camera makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

[ nervous Lorne Michaels enters the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jane, what’s the matter?

Jane Curtin: It’s John again.

Lorne Michaels: [ sighs heavily ] I don’t understand it. What is this power that Belushi has over women? They fawn themselves over him, all he does is walk all over them. [ sighs again ] She won’t come out?

Jane Curtin: No.

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find John.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

[ Lorne exits down the hall in search of John ]

Jane Curtin: Candy, look what you’re doing to yourself!

Candice Bergen: I don’t care, Jane! Why won’t John at least talk to me!

Jane Curtin: Because he’s an animal.

Candice Bergen: I know.. that’s why I love him..

Jane Curtin: Candy, he’s no good. He’s had his way with every single woman on this network. Why do you think Barbara Walters left? It wasn’t money, it was Belushi! [ a beat ] Candy, come on. Please?

Candice Bergen: I’m sorry, Jane.

[ suddenly, John Belushi, dressed in a white tuxedo like Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca” enters the hall ]

John Belushi: I’ll take care of this for you, alright?

[ Jane steps aside, as John knocks on Candice’s dressing room door ]

Candice Bergen: Go away!

John Belushi: Candy! Get out here!

[ Candice opens the door and comes out of her dressing room ]

Candice Bergen: John? Oh, John! [ hugs John ]

John Belushi: Candy. Listen, Candy, baby, I know how you feel, but it’s over!

Candice Bergen: It can’t be.. you’re just angry, that’s all. Listen, John, I’ll do anything, I don’t care! What do you want me to do?

John Belushi: It’s not you, Candy. It’s me! How many times do I have to tell you! It’s only for your own good. Don’t you understand? I’ll only hurt you!

Candice Bergen: I know, I know! That’s what I want John! John, nice guys are a dime a dozen! But I’m attracted to.. swill!

John Belushi: Ah, I wouldn’t believe anything you told me right now! You’d say anything to get what you want!

Candice Bergen: John.. can’t you just think about us?

John Belushi: There is no us, Candy.

Candice Bergen: All you can think about is yourself! One woman hurts you, and you just take it out on the rest of the world! You’re a coward and a weakling! [ slaps John hard across the face, shocking herself ] I’m sorry, John.. I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry! Did I hurt you?

John Belushi: [ in his best Bogart tone ] Yes.. very much.

Candice Bergen: I’m so sorry.. you know I would never do anything to hurt you.. you’re the first man I’ve ever loved!

John Belushi: Yes.. and I love you, too. And that’s why I want to get you out there on that stage.

Candice Bergen: Are you not just saying that to make me go?

John Belushi: I’m saying that because it’s the truth, Sandy!

Candice Bergen: Candy.

John Belushi: Candy.

[ soft piano version of “As Time Goes By” cues up in the background, as fog spreads through the room ]

John Belushi: It’s the truth, and you know it. You have to get out there. Now, listen.. look – I’m no good at being noble.. but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. You see, inside of us, we both know you belong up on that stage. You’re part of the show, the thing that keeps it going. And, if that show starts and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it.

Candice Bergen: No, I won’t..

John Belushi: Maybe not now.. maybe not tomorrow.. but soon, and for the rest of your life.

[ airplane propellers can be heard starting up ]

Loudspeaker: The last plane for Lisbon now departing.

Candice Bergen: Oh.. what about us, John?

John Belushi: Well.. we’ll still have Paris.. or the Muppets. Well.. here’s looking at you, kid. You better go.

[ they turn down the hall and walk away from the camera, passing Louis along the way ]

John Belushi: Hi, Louis!

[ dissolve to Garrett Morris as Sam, playing the piano in a smoke-filled room ]

Sam: Good morning, Mr. Rick.. Miss Ilsa.

Candice Bergen: Sam? Boy, you sound as good as ever.

John Belushi: Listen up, Sam – you can close up for the night.

Sam: Alright, Mr. Rick.

[ Sam stops playing the piano, and closes the room ]

John Belushi: Listen, uh.. Candy. You do a good show, and maybe – just maybe – afterwards, we can have a drink later.

Candice Bergen: My place?

John Belushi: That’s fine.

Candice Bergen: The thing is.. I never know if you’re gonna show up. You’re such a filthy liar, you’ve never told me the truth. I guess that’s why I need you, John. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. [ facing the camera ] And we’ll be right back after this message.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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