Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 10
76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa
Santi-Wrap
…..Laraine Newman
…..Dan Aykroyd
Mall Santa…..John Belushi
[ open on Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd standing in line to see Santa Claus at the mall ]
Laraine Newman: I’m next!
Dan Aykroyd: [ laughing ] Are you sure you want to do this?
Laraine Newman: Sure! You know, I mean it’s crazy, this time of year does something to me, I feel like a little kid!
Dan Aykroyd: Make it quick, though – we’ve got a lot of shopping to do.
Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t be such a Scrooge. Where’s your spirit?
[ little girl steps off Santa’s lap and heads off ]
Mall Santa: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!
Laraine Newman: I’ll only be a minute.
Dan Aykroyd: Sure.
[ as Laraine steps up to Santa Claus, she unrolls some toilet paper which she proceeds to place around his lap ]
Dan Aykroyd: Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?
Laraine Newman: Relax! I said I’ll only be a minute..
Dan Aykroyd: What is this?
Laraine Newman: It’s for protection.
Dan Aykroyd: Toilet tissue?! You mean, you haven’t heard of Santi-Wrap? [ holds up red and green colored toilet seat protection sheet ] Sure.. Santi-Wrap – the colorful, decorative and hygienic way to protect yourself from germs carried by the likes of a part-time Santa Claus.
Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..
Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s so jolly, he’s smart, he knows if you’ve been sleeping – but do you know where he’s been sleeping?
Laraine Newman: [ sits up with a stir ] Oh, my goodness!
Dan Aykroyd: That’s just it, Look, Laraine – I love Santa just as much as anybody else, but, December 26th, Noel over here goes back to the Y.
Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..
Laraine Newman: But won’t toilet paper protect me?
Dan Aykroyd: Two-ply? Never. Not these germs. Let me show you.
[ show image of Santa’s bare leg ]
Dan Aykroyd: This is a picture of Santa’s leg. Seems normal. But look at the same picture magnified under a microscope.
[ show circular close-up of tiny little men sitting on a street corner, with little hairs surrounding the lens ]
Laraine Newman: Are those Santa’s helpers?
Dan Aykroyd: Yes, those are Santa’s helpers. And they’re communicable. Now, will you stop using the two-ply?
Laraine Newman: What a fool I’ve been! [ replaces her toilet paper with one Santi-Wrap sheet and sits ] Okay.. I want a car, and a refigerator, and –
Dan Aykroyd: Use Santi-rap, and I promise you won’t get one tick.. from jolly St. Nick.
Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho.. ho.. ho ho..
[ fade ]
