SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Right To Extreme Stupidity League


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Right To Extreme Stupidity League

Fern…..Candace Bergen
Lisa…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Fern reading a newspaper in the living room, as Lisa enters ]

Fern: Oh, hi! You’re just in time – I made some cookies, and here’s some milk.

Lisa: Oh, great! I’m so thirsty, I could drink a horse!

Fern: Boy, are you stupid. It’s “eat a horse”. “I could eat a horse.”

Lisa: [ sits ] Well, you do whatever you want, Fern, I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, here, have some milk. [ hands Lisa the glass ]

Lisa: Oh, thanks! [ pours the milk into her purse ] Gee.. this milk isn’t too good. I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, that’s because you poured it in your purse, you see?

Lisa: Oh..

Fern: You’re not too bright, are you, Fern..? I mean.. [ breaks character and laughs ] Whatever your name is! [ can’t stop laughing ]

Lisa [ helping ] Lisa!

Fern: As a matter of fact, you’re extrememly stupid!

Lisa: Well, you’re right, Fern. And, you know, I’m proud of it! [ turns to the camera ] You know, we all can’t be brainy like Fern here.. [ Candace tries harder to stifle her laughter ] That’s why I want to talk to you tonight about a God-given American right – the right to extreme stupidity! Extremely stupid people are discriminated against all the time, and I should know, and so should Fern, because we are extremely stupid people! For instance, I think that Bambi is a fish! [ laughs ] You know, that reminds me of a little joke.. [ starts laughing to herself for an extended length of time before changing her tone ] But seriously, the very English language itself is discriminatory against extremely stupid people. For instance, insulting phrases like.. [ reads from index cards ] “Boy, are you dumb!” ..and “Boy, are you dumb!” [ Fern changes card for Lisa ] Thank you! ..and “You’re not too bright, are you?” “What are you, stupid?” “Boy, are you ever extremely stupid!” “I could drink a horse!” “Gosh, am I thirsty..!”

Fern: This has been a paid message from the Right To Extreme Stupidity League.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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