SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
Patrick … Tom Schiller
Ray Basalt … Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk. Sheargues with her husband Patrick, who sits on the deskbeside her — both oblivious to the camera.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!

Patrick: … lonely, lonely thing!

Jane Curtin: Do you think I like beinghere?

Patrick: I–

Jane Curtin: Do you think I enjoy this? You’recrazy!

Patrick: Oh, come on! You’ve got to come homesometime!

Jane Curtin: Somebody has got to make the moneyotherwise we can’t eat.

Patrick: I’m writin’ a book! It’s gonna make afortune!

Jane Curtin: [dismissive] Oh, the book, thebook, the book. Big deal!

[Jane and Patrick suddenly notice the camera is on andstare into it, horrified. Patrick instantly drops downbehind the desk and out of view as Jane tales a momentto recover. She smiles and begins the news as ifnothing had happened.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of a smiling Jimmy Carter carrying dry cleaningbag over his shoulder] Still trying to make up hiscampaign deficit, President-elect Carter has taken apart-time job delivering dry cleaning in theWashington area. …

[Photo of the Carter family: Jimmy, Rosalyn anddaughter Amy — Amy’s eyes are closed and she coversher mouth with her hand] As a security measure toavoid any leaking of White House information, theSecret Service has stapled Amy Carter’s eyes shut andepoxied her hand to her mouth for the duration ofJimmy Carter’s term. … A decision on what to do withAmy’s ears will be made shortly.

President Ford finally revealed the substance of hispost-election telephone call to Richard Nixon. Fordasked Nixon if he thought Jimmy Carter would abuse thepresidency. Nixon said, “Nah, he doesn’t have theexperience.” … [The joke dies – in response, Janefrowns and crumples the sheet of paper it was writtenon – Patrick’s hand emerges from beneath the desk -Jane puts the crumpled ball of paper in Patrick’s handwhich disappears from view – Jane swivels, grins, andcontinues without missing a beat] [Photo of Henry Kissinger with eyes shut tight andsmiling a toothy grin] Despite the fact that his daysas Secretary of State are numbered, Henry Kissingershowed he still has a sense of humor. The eternaldiplomat is shown here at a Washington party doing hisimpression of Chinese leader Hua Guofeng. …

[Suddenly, Jane bursts out laughing and reaches underthe desk – apparently having just beentickled.] [Photo of Betty Ford and lisping broadcast journalistBarbara Walters] The First Annual Barbara WaltersLook-Alike Contest was held this week in Washington.And the first runner-up was First Lady Betty Ford. Thewinner was Barbara Walters who remarked that shedoesn’t feel she really looks like herself but willuse the prize money to buy a lifetime supply of theletter “R.” …

[Photo of Jacques Cousteau holding what appears to betwo small statuettes] And, in sports this week,underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau has discovered atribe of eleven inch tall prizefighters in the AegeanSea. Negotiations are under way to match one of themagainst Mayor Beame at Madison Square Garden nextspring.

Jane Curtin: And now Update presents a specialChristmas segment, courtesy of the United Statesgovernment’s Public Safety bureau. Here iscorrespondent Ray Basalt with the December radioactivefallout report.

[Cut to genial, fast-talking Ray Basalt, casuallydressed in a denim suit with an open-neckedwide-collared shirt and a gold medallion on a chainaround his neck. Behind him is a bulletin board thatreads: DAILY FORECAST, several wall clocks, and achalkboard with a map of the U.S.]

Ray Basalt: Thank you, Jane! Hi, everybody andwelcome to the Fallout Report! We, uh, hope to giveyou as much information as we can on the domesticfallout situation for the holiday season. I’m RayBasalt and here’s how it looks:

[moves to map, occasionally marking it up with chalkand symbols of mushroom clouds as he speaks] Okay!Prevailing northerly winds in the mid-Atlantic havecarried a cloud of radioactive particles into a fewpopulation centers along the eastern seaboard here.Uh, now, uh, this debris is the result of a blast thatwas detonated over four thousand miles away bythe Indian government in the Gobi Desert – and it’saffecting the tri-state area. These particles areexpected to start sprinkling down into New Jersey,Pennsylvania and parts of New York state early nextweek. Not much to worry about, however. Theseparticles are far too big to inhale into the lungs …However, they do contain tellurium gamma rays sowater, milk and all dairy products will becontaminated throughout the holiday season – for atleast two months, anyway. … Well, it is the softdrink season, so – [chuckles] – we don’t have too muchto worry about.

Okay, let’s turn to the west coast now and see what wefind here. All right, last summer, as you know, was aheavy time of thermonuclear testing by the People’sRepublic of China. In July, they detonated a fiftymegaton fission-fusion-fission device above thePacific Ocean. This resulted in a high altitudeairburst. Now, the fission products from thisdetonation, which linger just below the Earth’stroposphere, have started to drop. They’re being movedacross the Pacific water body by the high winds upthere in the troposphere. This — coupled with coldfronts which move up into southern California fromTexas — uh, all in all, well, we should say that,well, it should bring a fairly heavy shower ofdangerous beta particles into the San Diego areasometime near the end of the month and probably beforeChristmas anyway. Now, that blast was a pretty heavyone so the yield of beta particles will be sizable.Beta particles, of course, as you know, cause seriousradiation burns so, San Diego residents, stay inside,keep pets inside, don’t drink or eat anything and, ifyou have a lead suit, wear it. …

Elsewhere across the country, in Florida, uh, some,uh, particles as a result of French testing in theAntarctic. Uh, all across the Midwest, there areparticles there. Uh, from domestic testing in Nevada,of course. And, uh, there was some in Texas down herenear Corpus Christi. Nothing too serious.

We should mention, however, the beta cloud over SanDiego will be moving on up into the Los Angeles areaand, although it won’t be dangerous from a radioactivestandpoint, the remaining fallout when combined withhydrocarbon emissions in the Los Angeles basin shouldmake for quite a brew [turns to a nearby wall chartmarked AIR QUALITY with four levels: POOR / BAD /MASKS REQUIRED / REFRAIN FROM BREATHING] and a readingof one, two, three, four – on our air quality table.[puts a big red X next to number four: REFRAIN FROMBREATHING]

And remember the MLRD for human beings — that’sMedian Lethal Radiation Dose — is four hundred andfifty REMs. Uh, anything under that and the most youhave to deal with is some odd internal bleeding, lossof hair, skin sores and unceasing nausea. Okay?[tosses chalk in the air and catches it with a smile]And that’s the Fallout Report for the holiday season.Back to you, Jane.

[Applause as we cut back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of gymnast Olga Korbut atopa balance beam doing a particularly strenuousbackbend] Olga Korbut, the sensational Russian gymnastof the ’72 Olympics, announced this week that she willbe married next month in Moscow. The agile 21-year-oldis shown here getting in shape for her wedding night…. The prospective bridegroom is reported to be in aRussian hospital undergoing special surgery to haveall of his bones removed. …

[Photo of snow-covered street] Still to come: Cocainedealers convene in Buffalo after this message. …[Applause – Jane winces and reaches under the deskuncomfortably as we fade out for ad parody: FX-70Cheese Slicer]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of man in Santa Clausoutfit holding a revolver] Tragedy at the North Polethis week when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer broke aleg and had to be shot. When asked who will guide hissleigh, a grief-stricken Santa Claus replied, “JimNabors.” More on this story as it develops. [Joke dies- Patrick’s hand reaches up from under the desk – Janehands him the paper which he crumples and disappearswith] [reads the next item:] Well, time certainly flies,doesn’t it? … [Patrick reaches up again but Janebats his hand away]

Having trouble selecting a Christmas gift for yourstallion? Well, maybe this will help. [Doctored photoof a horse wearing a human being’s shoes on its hindhooves] It’s the latest style in animal footwear.Earth horseshoes. Manufacturers say that they are likeordinary shoes except the heels are lower than thetoes. [Photo of a horse showing its teeth, as ifsmiling] Honest Pleasure, pictured here, says he wearsthem and that, quote, [trippy voice] “It’s realmellow. It’s like I’m standing in a lotus position.”[exhales through lips like a horse] End quote.[applause]

Jane Curtin: From time to time, Weekend Updatepresents opposing viewpoints to important issues. Now,here with an editorial reply is Miss EmilyLitella.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Uhh, what’s all this fuss I keephearing about this Christmas the United Nations iscollecting money for unisex? Now, don’t thosekind of people have enough beauty parlors and clothingstores as it is? I mean, do they need more? Why,they’re all over the place, these unisex places! TheUnited Nations should be giving money to littlechildren overseas, children who can use it, not tothese weirdos!

Jane Curtin: Uh, Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Why, it’s outrageous!

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: I can’t believe– What?What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Uh,that’s “UNICEF.” Not “unisex.” The editorial was aboutUNICEF, the United Nations International Children’sEmergency Fund, not unisex. UNICEF.

Emily Litella: Oh, well, well that’s verydifferent. [squints and grins, into camera] Nevermind. … [Applause] Uh, just, um, one more thing,Miss Clayton. Um, I was wondering why ever sinceyou’ve been, ah, doing Update I haven’t been on theshow too much. I mean, I used to be on quiteoften.

Jane Curtin: Yes. Well, Miss Litella, you canbe on as often as you like — as long as you come upwith something funnier than “unisex.”

Emily Litella: Well, I’ll do my best…

Jane Curtin: Good.

Emily Litella: Bitch. …

[Applause, which continues till the end.]

Jane Curtin: That’s all the news for tonight.Thank you and have a very pleasant holiday.

[As we pull back and fade out, Jane glares at thedeparting Miss Litella.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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