Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 11
Carter’s Confederate Takeover
… Ralph Nader
Miss Green … Gilda Radner
Jimmy Carter …. Dan Aykroyd
[Seated at the desk in his office, consumer advocateRalph Nader confers with his secretary.]
Ralph Nader: All right, Miss Green, what timeis my flight to Plains?
Miss Green: Ah, five o’clock. Now, that’s intwo hours. Now, Mr. Nader, how long are you going tobe there?
Ralph Nader: That depends on whether he’sinterested in what I have to say.
Miss Green: Mm hm.
Ralph Nader: Did you have my other dark suitcleaned?
Miss Green: Oh, yes, sir. I cleaned your othersuit and your tie.
Ralph Nader: Okay, I’m going to sleep for acouple of hours. Wake me up when it’s time togo.
Miss Green: All right, yes, Mr. Nader.[Miss Green exits as Nader leans back in his chair andbuckles himself into it with an over-the-shouldersafety belt. Eyes closed, he shakes his head sadly andtalks to himself:]
Ralph Nader: Ah, Carter. What a cabinet. Iwonder if he really cares what I think – now that theelection is over.[Nader drifts off to sleep. Ethereal harp music andout-of-focus camera indicate that Nader is dreaming.Dissolve to Nader’s dream: a pair of hands peels andapplies a decal of the Seal of the the President ofthe United States to a briefcase. We pull back toreveal that the hands are those of President-electJimmy Carter. Carter sets the briefcase out of view.In the background, a sign reads: PEANUT WAREHOUSE /NO. 1 / PLAINS, GA. There is a knock at the door.Carter tosses away the decal peelings and sits at adesk.]
Jimmy Carter: [calls out] Come in![We hear a door open and close. Carter smiles andrises as Nader enters.]
Jimmy Carter: Oh, Ralph! It’s very nice to seeya.
Ralph Nader: [shaking hands] How areya?
Jimmy Carter: Just fine. Whyn’t you sit down?Want some, uh, peanuts?[The men sit at Carter’s desk upon which is a pile ofunshelled peanuts. Nader takes a handful.]
Ralph Nader: I hope you’re sincere, Jimmy. I’vebeen quite critical of you lately.
Jimmy Carter: Well, I – I wanna explain to ya,Ralph that I chose my cabinet to placate theconservatives. Once I assume the role of president,I’ll be ready to implement my idealistic changes andI’ll – well, I’m glad you’re here because I want youto tell me exactly what you want me to do when Ibecome president. Go ahead, I’m all ears. [grinsbroadly]
Ralph Nader: Okay, okay, I’m delighted. Firstof all, you should call a moratorium on nuclearenergy.
Jimmy Carter: [nods] Okay. I guess you’reright. Now that you mention it, nuclear energy reallyis a – a doomsday technology. You got it. No problem.[starts making notes with a pencil]
Ralph Nader: Can you introduce a CorporateAccountability Act? Tougher anti-pollution laws?
Jimmy Carter: Brilliant. Wonderful. I’ll do it.Definitely. [makes more notes]
Ralph Nader: And if you could promote and signour bill, S-1234 to form a national consumers’cooperative bank to help finance small business andhelp give consumers sovereignty in themarketplace–
Jimmy Carter: Some of our cabinet members arereally gonna flip.
Ralph Nader: And how ’bout a Whistleblowers Actto protect people like Ernie Fitzgerald who blew thewhistle on Pentagon waste?
Jimmy Carter: Okay. You got it. Definitely.[more notes] You’ve been doin’ some good talkin’.Everything you mention is positive, dynamiclegislation. I’ll give you my word I’ll do everythingin my scope of influence to make sure that it’senacted. [shakes Nader’s hand]
Ralph Nader: That’s wonderful, Jimmy. It’sabout time this country had somebody with your couragein the Oval Office.
Jimmy Carter: You can count on it, Ralph. Say,uh, just so long as you’re here, um, uh, why don’tyou, uh, take a look at some of my plans for myinauguration? [rises, walks out of view]
Ralph Nader: Terrific. Since I’m not invited,I’d love to see what kind of inauguration you’re gonnahave.
Jimmy Carter: [from off screen] I’m gonna tellya, Ralph, this is gonna be the greatest party thisunion has ever seen. [clears throat, returns in grayConfederate army uniform, whips out sword, “Dixie”plays in background] My people have been waiting ahundred and ten years … [Nader is stunned] … forthis triumphal march of the Confederacy to Washington.Finally, the flagrant rape of the Confederacy by theYankee war dogs is gonna be avenged. …[moves aside a red drape on the wall behind him toreveal a map of the U.S. dotted with symbols ofplanes, tanks, etc.] On Wednesday night, the FifthDivision of the Georgia National Guard … – that is,the Lillian Carter wing – in tanks and armoredpersonnel carriers, rolls north through the Carolinas.It splits here at Raleigh into a pincer-claw, to becomplemented by the George Wallace Tactical Air Wingof the Confederate Air Force. … The 20th ArmoredGroup, led by five-time NASCAR winner Cale Yarborough… will roll through Kentucky and West Virginia on tobattle emplacements here on the Shenandoah River.
Ralph, they whipped us bad at Raleigh — and atVicksburg and Memphis and Shiloh and Appomattox. Doyou know that Sherman ran a swath through Georgiafifty miles wide? Fifty miles of the choicest, mostbeautiful peanut country in the Confederacy. … Onthe night of the 20th, the Tactical Assault Brigade ofthe Greg Allman Land-Sea Brigade will seize and burnWashington. The zero-based budgeting I have proposedwill help me revalidate Confederate currency. [letsout with a rebel yell] YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And you, Ralph Nader, the best consumer advocate inthe world — I want you workin’ with me. I have anoffice set up in Plains for ya. My men’ll take youover there now. It’s time for you to go, Ralph. Timefor you to go. Time for you to go. Time–[Harp music as the dream ends and we dissolve back toNader’s office. His secretary wakes him.]
Miss Green: Mr. Nader, Mr. Nader, it’s time foryou to go. Oh, Mr. Nader, were you having adream?
Ralph Nader: Yeah. I guess so. I was dreamin’.[looks at his desk] But – where did all these peanutscome from?[Nader’s desk is covered by unshelled peanuts. Hepicks some up and lets them spill from his hands asthe secretary looks on in surprise. Dramatic music andapplause as we pan up from the office set to theaudience and zoom in for a close view of a young man.SUPER: TENNIS COURT JESTER — He grins, flashes apeace sign and gets a supportive pat on the shoulderfrom a fellow audience member.]