Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 11
The Coneheads At Home
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
[ open on middle class suburban living room ] [ Beldar Conehead enters, dressed in a winter coat over a three-piece suit with a small silver cape over the jacket, and a loose-fitting stocking cap over his head. ]
Beldar Conehead: Honey, I’m home. [ removes stocking cap to reveal a cone-shaped head ] [ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]
Prymaat Conehead: [ enters living room ] Oh, hello, dear, you’re late. I’ll put the food into the heat.
Beldar Conehead: Yes, I’m sorry I’m late. The commuter trains were severely affected by the snow.
Prymaat Conehead: Oh well, I’m happy that you were able to arrive safely. I am engaged in preparing your favorite meal, small starch tubes combined with lactate extract of hooved mammals.
Beldar Conehead: Ah. You mean macaroni and cheese. I’m sure we will enjoy it. [ sits on couch to read paper, as Connie enters house wearing a blonde wig ]
Connie Conehead: Hi Mom, hi Dad.
Prymaat Conehead: Hello, my young one. how was school today?
Connie Conehead: [ tears off the wig, unzips snowsuit ] This wig was ineffective. The kids at school know that I am different from them.. it’s really bugging me. They want to know where I come from. Daddy, where do we come from?
Beldar Conehead: France! Just keep telling them you come from France!
Connie Conehead: No way, Dad! I’e found that to be an inadequate response!
Beldar Conehead: Maintain low tones! Maintain low tones!
Prymaat Conehead: Dear, I think the time has come to tell the young one the story of our family.
Beldar Conehead: No,I do not agree.
Prymaat Conehead: You must tell her now.. she must know.
Connie Conehead: Please inform me. A guy asked me out for a date in gym class this afternoon. I must prepare.
Beldar Conehead: Very well, the time has come for you to know. I am Beldar, this is Prymaat. We are emissaries from the planet Remulak, which is located many light years outside of this solar system. Twenty Earth years ago, the five high Masters of Remulak dispatched a fleet of Starcruisers to this solar system.
Connie Conehead: Starcruisers?
Beldar Conehead: Metallic discs powered by an anti-gravity field reactor.
Prymaat Conehead: A flying saucer, dear.
Connie Conehead: Aw, c’mon, you guys! There’s no such thing as flying saucers.
Beldar Conehead: Your mother and I were instructed to pilot our machine to Earth, seize all major centers of radio and television communication, and inform the people of the Earth that we of the planet Remulak were taking over their world.
Prymaat Conehead: Your father was to make it clear to the Earth people that the two of us were to be called the Timekeepers, that we would remain here for seven centuries, that we were to end all wars, that Earth weapons were useless against us, and that we would destroy them if they did not follow our instructions.
Connie Conehead: I ask you: what happened?
Beldar Conehead: I lost the speech I was to make. I had a speech: “People of Earth, I am the Timekeeper from the planet Remulak, your weapons are useless against us..” I lost the rest of it, the instructions, times, dates, places, the orders for the U.N..
Connie Conehead: But what became of your flying saucer?
Prymaat Conehead: It’s at the bottom of Lake Michigan.
Beldar Conehead: Your mother was at the control panel.
Prymaat Conehead: No, it was you who was guiding us.
Beldar Conehead: No, my dear, you were responsible for the control indices.
Connie Conehead: But did your planet not send a rescue ship for you?
Prymaat Conehead: No. Our planet cut back on their space program. So I got a job here as a driving instructor.
Prymaat Conehead: In order to seem less obvious on Earth, we took the names Fred and Joyce Conehead.
Beldar Conehead: Then you were born, and when your little cone was shown to us, we knew that we had no choice but to stay. We named you Connie.
Prymaat Conehead: And, besides, the schools are better here.
Beldar Conehead: I took out a mortgage on the house. Your mother joined a few clubs. Perhaps one day the High Masters of our planet will dispatch a fleet of rescue ships.
Prymaat Conehead: But until then, just do all your homework and tell everyone we come from France.[ the doorbell rings ]
Connie Conehead: My date is here. I must prepare my cone.[ Connie exits upstairs, as Beldar and Prymaat answer the door to ski bum Ronnie ]
Ronnie: Mr. and Mrs. Conehead?
Beldar Conehead: Yes.
Ronnie: Hi. I’m Ronnie Guestsetter. Is Connie here?
Beldar Conehead: Enter. We were expecting you.
Ronnie: Hey, great.. I think I might be here a little early.
Prymaat Conehead: Please enter and sit down. Would you like some beer and potato chips?
Ronnie: [ sits down at couch ] Hey, that’d be great, terrfic!
Beldar Conehead: So, what mode of vehicle brought you here tonight?
Ronnie: Huh? Uh.. my father lent me one of his tow trucks.[ Prymaat brings in the refreshments on a stainless steel surgical assist cart, loaded with six-packs of beer and large bags of potato chips ]
Beldar Conehead: Ah. Potato chips and beer. We invite you to consume freely.[ Ronnie pops open a beer, as Belda and Prymaat consume potato chips and beer at a faster rate than any human could; Connie re-enters, with earmuffs over her cone ]
Connie Conehead: Hi, Ronnie.
Ronnie: Hi, Connie. You look great. I heard you made captain of the high-diving team.
Connie Conehead: Yes. I see you have met my parental units.
Ronnie: Yeah.. Hey, your folks really know how to put away the brew! Are you ready to go?
Connie Conehead: Yes. Good night, parents. [ buzz sound effect as she touches fingers with Beldar ] I will remember all you have told me.
Beldar Conehead: Have a good time.. guide your vehicle carefully. The snow has negatively affected road factors.
Prymaat Conehead: Return at the time coordinates we have previously agreed upon; do not be late.
Ronnie: Okay. Hey, thanks for the brew, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead. I’ll take good care of Connie.[ the teens exit ]
Beldar Conehead: Well. Shall we play some Ring Toss before dinner?
Prymaat Conehead: Yes. That would be pleasurable.[ they each pick up a furry Sensor Ring, and toss them onto each other’s coneheads, sighing with pleasure as they make direct contact ] [ fade to black ]