Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 11
Inflatable Doll Testing
Burt Ingersoll … Garrett Morris
… Ralph Nader
[Consumer advocate Ralph Nader sits in his apartmentreading a magazine. On the sofa beside him is a blondeinflatable party doll. In a nearby chair, facing awayfrom him is a brunette party doll. The doorbell rings.Nader rises and answers the door to reveal Burt, ajournalist.]
Burt Ingersoll: Mr. Nader?
Ralph Nader: Call me “Ralph.”
Burt Ingersoll: [shakes hands] Hi! I’m BurtIngersoll of Changing Times magazine and it’s so goodof you to give us this interview, man.
Ralph Nader: Come on in, Burt! Let me take yourcoat. [takes coat]
Burt Ingersoll: Yeah, better close your doorthere. You better close your door there.
Ralph Nader: Oh, yeah. [shuts the door] Draft!Energy waste! … [Burt stares at party doll, thensits next to it on sofa as Nader hangs up coat, thenintroduces the blonde doll to Burt] Burt, I’d like tointroduce you to, uh, to Pam. [gestures to thebrunette doll which sits backward in the nearby chair]And I’d like to introduce you to Rita. Rita’s beennaughty this afternoon so she has to sit backwards…. Would you, uh, would you like a drink?
Burt Ingersoll: [playing it cool] Whatever yougot. And straight up.
Ralph Nader: You understand, uh, these dollsare all part of some experiments I’m running. [to theblonde doll] Uh, how ’bout a drink for you, Pam?[nods] Mm hm. [walks off to fix the drinks]
Burt Ingersoll: [glancing at the dollsuncertainly] Uh … Are you, uh, testing these dolls,uh, Mr. Nader?
Ralph Nader: Of course I’m testing these dolls![returns with drinks and sits on sofa as Burt takesnotes] I’m testing them for flame retardance. I’mtesting them for defective seams. Uh, testing them foruniform air pressure. Surface irregularities, qualitycontrol, color retention, pigment toxicity, uh,effusion rates, convection rates, uh– Here’s yourglass of wine. [hands Burt a glass] I get so excited.And here’s your sweet vermouth, Pam. [throws the drinkin her face – close view of Pam’s wet face] … [Burtstares, Nader explains] That, for instance, was atest. For high impact moisture resistance. … Yousee, I hope to explore areas of consumer protectionwhich have hitherto been ignored for reasons of tasteor public indifference.
Burt Ingersoll: Ah! And you chose inflatableparty dolls.
Ralph Nader: Exactly. What could be morenatural than to extend my investigation of air bags toinflatable party dolls?
Burt Ingersoll: [swallows drink, sets downempty glass] Uh huh. Yeah, yeah.
Ralph Nader: [to Burt] Excuse me. [to thebrunette doll, as if talking to a wayward child] Ritahad better sit up straighter. [rises and puts athreatening hand on the brunette doll as he speaks toit] Do you know what happened to Yvonne? Yvonne gotnailed to the door. Yvonne failed the nail test,didn’t she?
Burt Ingersoll: Uh uh, uh – you – you – you say- you say – failed the nail test?
Ralph Nader: [returns to sofa] I’m sure yourealize “the nail test” is a code name for certainanalytic procedures, uh, to examine possibilities ofrupture in vinyl-related substances.
Burt Ingersoll: Uh huh.
Ralph Nader: I plan to publish the results ofthese tests next year in a book called “Party Dolls:Turn-On or Rip-Off?” … Can I get you anotherdrink?
Burt Ingersoll: No, thank you.
Ralph Nader: [holds up empty glass to theblonde doll] Pam? A refill? Say, why don’t you showBurt your music box, Pam? [to Burt] I bought Pam amusic box for her birthday.
Burt Ingersoll: You don’t say? …
Ralph Nader: Burt, you have no idea howexhausting these tests are. I have to dress andundress them every day, brush their little teeth,paint their little nails. Of course, it used to beworse — [pointedly, to the brunette] — before Vickifailed the lawn mower test.
Burt Ingersoll: Wa – wa – wa – wa- wait.[rises, in disbelief] Uh, she failed the – the lawnmower test? That’s what she–?
Ralph Nader: [pointedly, to the brunette] Maybenow Miss Balloon Head will be ready to eat herspaghetti!
Burt Ingersoll: [shaken] Ah, hey, on secondthought, man, I’ll have that drink and I’ll go get itmyself. [fetches himself a much needed drink, thenreturns to stand near the sofa as Nader rises andinspects the brunette] Yes. Ha!
Ralph Nader: Listen, I’m sorry to cut thisinterview short, Burt. I think Rita is beginning toleak.
Burt Ingersoll: Hey, uh, you mean you pump herup, huh?
Ralph Nader: Not today. I have a yeastinfection.
Burt Ingersoll: Mm hm.
[Applause. Burt downs his drink. We cut to a widerview of the set, the cameras, the mikes, the crowd,etc., as Burt grabs his coat and hurriedly exits. Aswe pull back, we hear the 1957 pop hit “Party Doll”and see Gilda Radner ready herself on a nearby stageto introduce tonight’s film. After a brief glimpse ofthe balcony crowd, we dissolve to a close shot ofGilda.]
Gilda Radner: [glancing over her shoulder, thensmiling into the camera] Oh, ah, and now, here’s thisweek’s film by Gary Weis!
[More applause as we fade out. The film is “Garbage”which first appeared on SNL the previous season. Afterthe film, we zoom in on a guy in the applaudingaudience. SUPER: USED HIROHITO’S TOOTHBRUSH]