SNL Transcripts: Ralph Nader: 01/15/77: Long Distance


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Long Distance

Grandfather…..Bill Murray

[ open on Grandfather sitting in armchair in front of chessboard and telephone ]

Grandfather: You know, when my grandson Timmy moved to New York, I was afraid it was going to canncel our Tuesday night game, but I was wrong. The phone company saw to that. By making long distance calls after eleven o’clock, you can speak coast-to-coast for just a few pennies. It’s quite a convenience. The calls are cheap, and we get to play chess..

[ pause, as he checks watch and looks at phone ]

You know kids: he’s probably out playing with his little friends and has lost track of the time. He calls me “Gramps”, and I call him “Sport”. We’re like pals. He says I’m his best friend..

[ long pause, checks watch twice and laughs nervously ]

you know, it’s real nice of the phone company to do this. I only get to see Timmy during the holidays. I bought a watch for him this Christmas. Has all those contraptions in it. He was so excited, he forgot to thank me. It cost $800. But he’s worth it..[ longer pause, he checks watch and looks at phone ]

I have this heart condition. Something to do with fatty tissue building up. I should be getting to bed soon. Doctor’s orders. But not ’til my timmy calls..

[ checks watch and phone ]

Personally, I think he’s an idiot! For a while, we thought there was something wrong with him, but the doctor said he would be okay if left to progress at his own speed..

[ quickly checks watch and phone ]

Ah, what the hell. He’s got no friends, except for me and the kids who hang around him because he’s got a great watch. The watchthat I bought him. for $800..

[ checks phone, watch ]

I hate Timmy! I hope he dies! Wouldn’t that be great? He’d probably go to hell! I’m sure he hocked the watch I gave him. He hocked it. Hocked it, then raped the woman who owns the pawn shop.

[ phone rings, Grandfather answers it ]


Boy’s Voice On Phone: KIng’s knight to king’s knight four, Grandpa.

Grandfather: You sure you want to do that? Okay, Sport! I’ll speak to you next Tuesday.

[ Grandfather hangs up, makes the move on the chessboard, then reacts to the move ] [ SUPER: “The Phone Company” ]

Announcer: Long Distance keeps you in touch with those you love most.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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