SNL Transcripts: Ralph Nader: 01/15/77: Long Distance

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Long Distance

Grandfather…..Bill Murray

[ open on Grandfather sitting in armchair in front of chessboard and telephone ]

Grandfather: You know, when my grandson Timmy moved to New York, I was afraid it was going to canncel our Tuesday night game, but I was wrong. The phone company saw to that. By making long distance calls after eleven o’clock, you can speak coast-to-coast for just a few pennies. It’s quite a convenience. The calls are cheap, and we get to play chess..

[ pause, as he checks watch and looks at phone ]

You know kids: he’s probably out playing with his little friends and has lost track of the time. He calls me “Gramps”, and I call him “Sport”. We’re like pals. He says I’m his best friend..

[ long pause, checks watch twice and laughs nervously ]

you know, it’s real nice of the phone company to do this. I only get to see Timmy during the holidays. I bought a watch for him this Christmas. Has all those contraptions in it. He was so excited, he forgot to thank me. It cost $800. But he’s worth it..[ longer pause, he checks watch and looks at phone ]

I have this heart condition. Something to do with fatty tissue building up. I should be getting to bed soon. Doctor’s orders. But not ’til my timmy calls..

[ checks watch and phone ]

Personally, I think he’s an idiot! For a while, we thought there was something wrong with him, but the doctor said he would be okay if left to progress at his own speed..

[ quickly checks watch and phone ]

Ah, what the hell. He’s got no friends, except for me and the kids who hang around him because he’s got a great watch. The watchthat I bought him. for $800..

[ checks phone, watch ]

I hate Timmy! I hope he dies! Wouldn’t that be great? He’d probably go to hell! I’m sure he hocked the watch I gave him. He hocked it. Hocked it, then raped the woman who owns the pawn shop.

[ phone rings, Grandfather answers it ]

Hello?

Boy’s Voice On Phone: KIng’s knight to king’s knight four, Grandpa.

Grandfather: You sure you want to do that? Okay, Sport! I’ll speak to you next Tuesday.

[ Grandfather hangs up, makes the move on the chessboard, then reacts to the move ]

[ SUPER: “The Phone Company” ]

Announcer: Long Distance keeps you in touch with those you love most.

[ fade ]

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