SNL Transcripts: Ralph Nader: 01/15/77: Ralph’s New Image

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph’s New Image

… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Ralph Nader
… Jane Curtin
… Garrett Morris
… Laraine Newman

[At the Studio 8H elevator bank, an anxious GildaRadner confers with cool, calm Dan Aykroyd.]

Gilda Radner: Danny! Danny, he’s late!

Dan Aykroyd: Ralph Nader’s never late. He saidhe’d be here at eleven thirty-two, he’ll behere at eleven thirty-two.

Gilda Radner: Well, well, I hope he can do theshow without any rehearsal. I mean, it’s hard enoughfor a professional comedian to come here and do theshow. What about a consumer advocate?

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s the busiest man in theworld. It doesn’t matter. He’s Ralph Nader and it’sjust such a coup getting him on the show. It’sgreat.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, but don’t you think he’stoo straight? I mean, he’s kind of serious for ourshow.

Dan Aykroyd: Ah, no, no, no. Lorne was talkin’to him all week and, uh, you know, he said, toldLorne, he said, “Don’t worry. I’m gonna relax and havefun with it.” I wouldn’t worry about iteither.

Gilda Radner: [checks her watch] Okay, well,look, it’s eleven thirty-two now.

[Behind them, an elevator door opens.]

Dan Aykroyd: Well, he’ll be here.

Gilda Radner: [sees Ralph Nader emerge fromelevator] Oh, Danny. Danny.

[A smiling Nader – wearing a flashy, fringed,rhinestone-encrusted cowboy outfit, red kerchiefaround his neck and a white ten gallon hat on his head- joins Danny and Gilda, shaking hands withthem.]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, Mr. Nader. Hi, uh, I’m DanAykroyd. This is, uh, Gilda Radner.

Gilda Radner: Right, yeah. Mr. Nader, I’m GildaRadner.

Ralph Nader: Danny! Gilda! Please! Call me”Ralph” – “Ralphie” – or anything you want!

Dan Aykroyd: Great.

[The three of them start walking away from theelevators, the camera tracking with them as theygo.]

Gilda Radner: Oh. Well, Ralphie, come on, wegotta go to make-up. We gotta hurry a littlebit.

Ralph Nader: Terrific!

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, you’re really well turnedout.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: I – I like that suit. That’s veryinteresting.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Really, that’s great, looksgreat.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Ralph Nader: You know, I just thought tomyself, What the heck? This is my first experience inshow business and I’m just gonna cutloose!

[Danny and Gilda lead Nader down a hall and around acorner.]

Gilda Radner: Oh, great. Well …

Dan Aykroyd: Great!

Gilda Radner: …. make-up’s in here andeveryone’s really excited. It’s our first show aftervacation.

Dan Aykroyd: [calls out to the group in themake-up room] He’s here!

[They enter a mirrored room filled with make-upartists, writers, and actors. Among those present: AlFranken, Garrett Morris and Jane Curtin.]

Gilda Radner: Come on. Here’s Ralph,everybody!

Ralph Nader: Hey! How are ya?! How are ya?!

[Nader and the SNL group greet one anotherwarmly.]

Garrett Morris: Ralph! How ya doin’?

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] Oh, sit, sit. [Nadersits in a make-up chair] You know, Mr. Nader, we alladmire your work so much and it’s an honor to have youon the show. [Garrett – wearing a make-up bib – nodsin agreement, smiles and takes a bite out of a hotdog]

Ralph Nader: Thank you, Jane, but, please,everybody — like I was saying to Danny and Gilda –please call me Ralph or Ralphie!

Jane Curtin: Okay, Ralphie! [the others murmurin agreement]

Ralph Nader: I’m here to have fun tonight!

Jane Curtin: Yeah? Well …

Ralph Nader: Tonight, there’ll be no more ofthis defects and – and abuses that I’ve managed tofind twenty-four hours a day. Tonight, for ninetyminutes, I’m Ralph Nader — Mr. Good Time!

[Everybody laughs, cheers, says, “All right!” ormurmurs in agreement. Gilda takes Nader’s cowboyhat.]

Make-Up Artist: [puts make-up bib in Nader’scollar] There you go, Mr. Good Time. [starts to applyNader’s make-up] Okay …

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] You’re gonna havefun.

Ralph Nader: [suddenly serious, to the make-upartist] Wait a minute! Is that Eye ChiefMake-Up?

Make-Up Artist: Uh, yes, it is.

Ralph Nader: Eye Chief Make-Up contains Red DyeNumber Two.

Make-Up Artist: It does? Well, I didn’tknow.

Ralph Nader: This make-up has a possibility ofcausing skin cancer.

Jane Curtin: Oh, well, we’ll stop using itimmediately.

Make-Up Artist: Absolutely.

Gilda Radner: Skin cancer?

[Everyone is stunned and unnerved. Jane peersapprehensively into the make-up mirror and touches ahand to her face.]

Garrett Morris: [takes Nader’s hand] Ah, well,uh, well, Ralph –

Ralph Nader: That’s the tragedy withcarcinogens.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, well, hey, hey, hey-

Ralph Nader: It may be already toolate.

Garrett Morris: [guides Nader out of chair andleads him out of the room, leaving the stunned groupbehind] Yeah, let me take you to your – your – thewardrobe room so you can, uh, put on your costume,man.

Ralph Nader: [excited again] Costumes?! Youmean I wear costumes?!

Garrett Morris: [laughs]

Ralph Nader: Oh! This is gonna be fun!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, man. Right this way, man.

[Garrett, eating his hot dog, leads Nader around acorner.]

Ralph Nader: [serious again] What’s this, a hotdog you’re eating?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: A hot dog?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Do you enjoy eating rat excrementand rodent hairs?

[The two men stop walking. Garrett stares at hishalf-eaten hot dog.]

Garrett Morris: Uh, this has rat excrement androdent hairs in it, huh?

Ralph Nader: That’s right. [the two mencontinue slowly down the hall] Federal regulationspermit a minimum amount of rat excrement and rodenthairs in hot dogs.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, I – I – I didn’t knowthat, Ralph. Thank you…

Ralph Nader: No problem.

Garrett Morris: … very much.

Ralph Nader: No problem.

[Garrett leads Nader over to Laraine Newman, thenwalks off down the hall and disappears into a dressingroom.]

Laraine Newman: [thrilled to meet Nader] RalphNader!

Ralph Nader: [smiling, excited again] Hi!Laraine Newman!

Laraine Newman: Hey, you know, I’m a bigadmirer of yours, I really am. I just can’t helpmyself, I’ve gotta hug you.

[Laraine gives Nader a big hug.]

Ralph Nader: Why, thank you. Not too tight now,you’ll activate my air bag!

[Abruptly, we hear but do not see an air bag deploy -Laraine breaks the clinch and steps back.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, my God!

Ralph Nader: [looks down to see that the airbag – hidden somewhere on his person – has notdeployed] Whoops! [grins at Laraine] Well … [intothe camera, smiling] Live, from New York, it’sSaturday night!

[Cheers and applause. Nader smiles sheepishly andmoves off as we dissolve to the openingmontage.]

Submitted Anonymously

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