SNL Transcripts: Ralph Nader: 01/15/77: Ralph’s New Image



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11







76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph’s New Image

… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Ralph Nader
… Jane Curtin
… Garrett Morris
… Laraine Newman

[At the Studio 8H elevator bank, an anxious GildaRadner confers with cool, calm Dan Aykroyd.]

Gilda Radner: Danny! Danny, he’s late!

Dan Aykroyd: Ralph Nader’s never late. He saidhe’d be here at eleven thirty-two, he’ll behere at eleven thirty-two.

Gilda Radner: Well, well, I hope he can do theshow without any rehearsal. I mean, it’s hard enoughfor a professional comedian to come here and do theshow. What about a consumer advocate?

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s the busiest man in theworld. It doesn’t matter. He’s Ralph Nader and it’sjust such a coup getting him on the show. It’sgreat.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, but don’t you think he’stoo straight? I mean, he’s kind of serious for ourshow.

Dan Aykroyd: Ah, no, no, no. Lorne was talkin’to him all week and, uh, you know, he said, toldLorne, he said, “Don’t worry. I’m gonna relax and havefun with it.” I wouldn’t worry about iteither.

Gilda Radner: [checks her watch] Okay, well,look, it’s eleven thirty-two now.

[Behind them, an elevator door opens.]

Dan Aykroyd: Well, he’ll be here.

Gilda Radner: [sees Ralph Nader emerge fromelevator] Oh, Danny. Danny.

[A smiling Nader – wearing a flashy, fringed,rhinestone-encrusted cowboy outfit, red kerchiefaround his neck and a white ten gallon hat on his head- joins Danny and Gilda, shaking hands withthem.]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, Mr. Nader. Hi, uh, I’m DanAykroyd. This is, uh, Gilda Radner.

Gilda Radner: Right, yeah. Mr. Nader, I’m GildaRadner.

Ralph Nader: Danny! Gilda! Please! Call me”Ralph” – “Ralphie” – or anything you want!

Dan Aykroyd: Great.

[The three of them start walking away from theelevators, the camera tracking with them as theygo.]

Gilda Radner: Oh. Well, Ralphie, come on, wegotta go to make-up. We gotta hurry a littlebit.

Ralph Nader: Terrific!

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, you’re really well turnedout.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: I – I like that suit. That’s veryinteresting.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Really, that’s great, looksgreat.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Ralph Nader: You know, I just thought tomyself, What the heck? This is my first experience inshow business and I’m just gonna cutloose!

[Danny and Gilda lead Nader down a hall and around acorner.]

Gilda Radner: Oh, great. Well …

Dan Aykroyd: Great!

Gilda Radner: …. make-up’s in here andeveryone’s really excited. It’s our first show aftervacation.

Dan Aykroyd: [calls out to the group in themake-up room] He’s here!

[They enter a mirrored room filled with make-upartists, writers, and actors. Among those present: AlFranken, Garrett Morris and Jane Curtin.]

Gilda Radner: Come on. Here’s Ralph,everybody!

Ralph Nader: Hey! How are ya?! How are ya?!

[Nader and the SNL group greet one anotherwarmly.]

Garrett Morris: Ralph! How ya doin’?

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] Oh, sit, sit. [Nadersits in a make-up chair] You know, Mr. Nader, we alladmire your work so much and it’s an honor to have youon the show. [Garrett – wearing a make-up bib – nodsin agreement, smiles and takes a bite out of a hotdog]

Ralph Nader: Thank you, Jane, but, please,everybody — like I was saying to Danny and Gilda –please call me Ralph or Ralphie!

Jane Curtin: Okay, Ralphie! [the others murmurin agreement]

Ralph Nader: I’m here to have fun tonight!

Jane Curtin: Yeah? Well …

Ralph Nader: Tonight, there’ll be no more ofthis defects and – and abuses that I’ve managed tofind twenty-four hours a day. Tonight, for ninetyminutes, I’m Ralph Nader — Mr. Good Time!

[Everybody laughs, cheers, says, “All right!” ormurmurs in agreement. Gilda takes Nader’s cowboyhat.]

Make-Up Artist: [puts make-up bib in Nader’scollar] There you go, Mr. Good Time. [starts to applyNader’s make-up] Okay …

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] You’re gonna havefun.

Ralph Nader: [suddenly serious, to the make-upartist] Wait a minute! Is that Eye ChiefMake-Up?

Make-Up Artist: Uh, yes, it is.

Ralph Nader: Eye Chief Make-Up contains Red DyeNumber Two.

Make-Up Artist: It does? Well, I didn’tknow.

Ralph Nader: This make-up has a possibility ofcausing skin cancer.

Jane Curtin: Oh, well, we’ll stop using itimmediately.

Make-Up Artist: Absolutely.

Gilda Radner: Skin cancer?

[Everyone is stunned and unnerved. Jane peersapprehensively into the make-up mirror and touches ahand to her face.]

Garrett Morris: [takes Nader’s hand] Ah, well,uh, well, Ralph –

Ralph Nader: That’s the tragedy withcarcinogens.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, well, hey, hey, hey-

Ralph Nader: It may be already toolate.

Garrett Morris: [guides Nader out of chair andleads him out of the room, leaving the stunned groupbehind] Yeah, let me take you to your – your – thewardrobe room so you can, uh, put on your costume,man.

Ralph Nader: [excited again] Costumes?! Youmean I wear costumes?!

Garrett Morris: [laughs]

Ralph Nader: Oh! This is gonna be fun!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, man. Right this way, man.

[Garrett, eating his hot dog, leads Nader around acorner.]

Ralph Nader: [serious again] What’s this, a hotdog you’re eating?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: A hot dog?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Do you enjoy eating rat excrementand rodent hairs?

[The two men stop walking. Garrett stares at hishalf-eaten hot dog.]

Garrett Morris: Uh, this has rat excrement androdent hairs in it, huh?

Ralph Nader: That’s right. [the two mencontinue slowly down the hall] Federal regulationspermit a minimum amount of rat excrement and rodenthairs in hot dogs.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, I – I – I didn’t knowthat, Ralph. Thank you…

Ralph Nader: No problem.

Garrett Morris: … very much.

Ralph Nader: No problem.

[Garrett leads Nader over to Laraine Newman, thenwalks off down the hall and disappears into a dressingroom.]

Laraine Newman: [thrilled to meet Nader] RalphNader!

Ralph Nader: [smiling, excited again] Hi!Laraine Newman!

Laraine Newman: Hey, you know, I’m a bigadmirer of yours, I really am. I just can’t helpmyself, I’ve gotta hug you.

[Laraine gives Nader a big hug.]

Ralph Nader: Why, thank you. Not too tight now,you’ll activate my air bag!

[Abruptly, we hear but do not see an air bag deploy -Laraine breaks the clinch and steps back.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, my God!

Ralph Nader: [looks down to see that the airbag – hidden somewhere on his person – has notdeployed] Whoops! [grins at Laraine] Well … [intothe camera, smiling] Live, from New York, it’sSaturday night!

[Cheers and applause. Nader smiles sheepishly andmoves off as we dissolve to the openingmontage.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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