SNL Transcripts: Ralph Nader: 01/15/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11













76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Bill Murray
… Laraine Newman
Mr. Rigg … Ralph Nader
Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!

Jane Curtin: [before she can begin, the phonebeside her on the desk rings and she picks up]Hello?

John Belushi: [on the phone] Hi, Jane? This is,uh, John. John Belushi!

Jane Curtin: Hi, John! How are you?

[Black and white photo of Belushi fills the screen.SUPER: VOICE OF JOHN BELUSHI]

John Belushi: Well, uh, not too good, actually,uh, ha! You probably noticed I haven’t been in theshow yet. Well, uh, y’see, that’s ’cause I’m in thehospital. I have a hurt leg, you know. Uh…

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: I got a knee injury, you know,kind o’ like, uh, Joe Namath kind of thing, youknow?

Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah, yeah.

John Belushi: And, yeah, I’ve been here, like,a week, Jane, and, uh, see, nobody’s come to visit meor anything. And, uh, nobody’s even called. And therehasn’t been any publicity about me not doing the show.I mean, when Chase was in the hospital, there was, uh,a lot of publicity in the–

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: Yeah, John. John, we didn’t – wedidn’t want to depress everyone during the first partof the show so we thought we’d wait until thegoodnights to tell them about it.

[Another black and white photo of Belushi fills thescreen. SUPER: IN HAPPIER TIMES]

John Belushi: Oh. Oh, okay.

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: Well, I just want to telleveryone that I am in the hospital. I hurt my leg.It’s a, uh, torn meniscus in the knee, it’s acartilage. It needs to be …

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

John Belushi: … uh, operated on. But Iwill be back next week. With or without myleg.

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

John Belushi: They’re thinking about cutting itoff with a chain saw but I’m hoping not to.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

John Belushi: By the way, hey, uh, who’s thatnew kid in the show? The one with the mustache? Er,Murphy? What’s his name?

Jane Curtin: No, no, no. Billy Murray. Isn’t hegreat? He can do anything.

John Belushi: [sarcastic] Heh. Yeah, sure. Uh,I’m sure he can. How ’bout a samurai? Can he do asamurai?

Jane Curtin: Oh, John, Billy does the bestsamurai I have ever seen. It’s like watching ToshiroMifune.

John Belushi: Yeah, well, you know, imitationsare easy. They’re cheap, you know, anybody can doimitations. Can he act, Jane? Can heact?

Jane Curtin: John, I have been doing sceneswith him all week and he is a gem to work with.

John Belushi: [skeptical] Yeah.

Jane Curtin: And, you know, he doesn’tmind being a Bee? [laughs, Belushi joins inironically] Hey, John, I gotta go. Call us when, uh,you get back from the hospital, okay? And come up andvisit us at the office any time.

John Belushi: Hey, listen, do I get paid forthis show this week, you know?

Jane Curtin: [laughs] Bye, John!

John Belushi: I’d like to buy myselfflowers–

[Jane, laughing, hangs up, clears her throat andstarts the news.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of President Ford putting a medal aroundLadybird Johnson’s neck] In one of his final acts asCommander-in-Chief, President Gerald Ford made a lastditch effort this week to beautify America bystrangling Ladybird Johnson. … [applause]

In Aspen, Colorado, a jury found Claudine Longetguilty of, quote, “criminally negligent homicide,” endquote, and sentencing was set for January 31st. If themaximum sentence is handed down, the former wife ofsinger Andy Williams could be sent up Moon River fortwo years. …

Last month, Jimmy Carter caused an uproar amongtraditionalists when he said he didn’t intend to wearthe customary stovepipe hat to his inauguration.However, this week, he bowed to the traditionalistdemands and here he is shown in his inaugurationattire, including the hat. [Doctored photo of Carterin top hat and a jacket covered with smiley faces]…

Jane Curtin: Well, the inauguration is onlyfive days away and, as a special feature, Bill Murrayhas a look at our future First Lady. Bill, you’ve beenfollowing Rosalyn Carter now for about two years, isthis right?

Bill Murray: [nods] Following indeed, Jane.[Bill and Jane share a laugh] Rosalyn Carter is notonly going to be a dynamic First Lady but also a veryattractive one. Her lush brunette good looks aresultry, Southern, and S-E-X-Y. … Those big browneyes and those full, pouty, pouty lips bring asmoldering sensuality to the White House. There issomething about the back of a woman’s leg. And if Iwere to look in my heart at our new First Lady’s leg,I would see her in the black-seamed stockings of theforties that have never gone out of style in my book.I see the First Lady’s seam going up a nicely-definedcalf, underneath the lace of her slip and riding overthe meaty part of the upper leg … up and over thebuttock to the hip. Truly, a journey of the damned…. And one that this reporter might just book passageon. [chuckles] Next week, Miss Amy Carter. Back toyou, Jane. [Applause.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill.

[Doctored photo of President Ford and his familywearing outfits with an “F” insignia on their chests]Concerned with their futures, President Ford and hisentire family has signed a contract with the WilliamMorris Agency. The talent agency feels that the Fordshave a great future in the entertainment field,claiming that this is the first time to theirknowledge that a president’s family has developed atrapeze act. The Flying Fords plan to entertain atstate fairs and circuses and hope to get it togetherin time to be the opening act for Jerry Vale at theConcord Hotel on Labor Day weekend. …[applause] [Photo of an elderly nun sitting on a motorizedscooter] Well, a lot older and much wiser since her TVseries was canceled, the Flying Nun now resorts to amore conservative means of transportation. Says thegrounded sister, “The scooter is not quite as excitingas flying but it gets me where I want to go and I’mnot shot at by duck hunters as much as I used to be.”…

Jane Curtin: Solar energy has become acontroversial issue today because the oil industrysees it as a threat to their profits. This week, aSenate Select Committee on solar energy has beenmeeting in secret and, for more on this, here isLaraine Newman in the Capitol.

[Cut to Laraine with microphone in hand, standing infront of a closed door.]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing outside thecommittee room waiting for the session to break up. Ithink it’s about to break up now. [The door opens andthe pompous Mr. Rigg, an oil company executive,emerges to join Laraine] Oh, we’re in luck, Jane. Thechairman of the board of Texxon which dominates mostof the oil industry, as you know, has just come out ofthe room. Mr. Rigg, did you attend the committeesession?

Mr. Rigg: Well, yes, the senators always allowme to sit in with them at their sessions.

Laraine Newman: Well, what happened inthere?

Mr. Rigg: We — that is, the Texxon Corporation– said that we would be glad to go along with thesolar energy program — if the committee would onlymake three minor concessions to protect ourinvestment.

Laraine Newman: I see. And what were thoseconcessions?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon thinks it, first, should ownthe sun.

Laraine Newman: I see.

Mr. Rigg: We also need a Solar Depletion TaxAllowance — since the sun depreciates overtime.

Laraine Newman: Ah, that’s two. And thethird?

Mr. Rigg: And Texxon must have the right toorder its prices raised whenever there is aneclipse.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. Uh, what next, Mr.Riggs?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon is about to consume allAmerican solar, coal, oil, gas, geothermal firms.[standing stiffly at attention] Monopoly ispatriotic!

Laraine Newman: [disenchanted] Ah. Thank you.This is Laraine Newman in the Capitol Building inWashington.

[Back to Jane at the desk. Applause.]

Jane Curtin: President-elect Carter put hisfinancial holdings in a blind trust and outlined acode of ethics for his cabinet members to follow toavoid conflicts of interest. [Doctored photo of BrockAdams with SPACE AVAILABLE / CALL 555-8782 printed onhis forehead] Here, his Secretary ofTransportation-designate Brock Adams tells the SenateCommerce Committee he will stop renting out his hugeforehead as a billboard. …

[Photo of young children in zebra-striped outfits] Inresponse to complaints about the officiating in thisyear’s National Football League season, CommissionerPete Rozelle announced the formation of anNFL-sponsored twenty-year officiating program thatstarts aspiring officials at an early age. …

Doomed slayer Gary Gilmore has taken a cue fromPresident-elect Carter and is inviting all of Americato the Utah State Prison on Monday for what he iscalling “a people’s execution.” There will be apre-execution gala concert and, following Gilmore’sdeath by firing squad, there will be a series ofpost-execution balls and receptions. Gilmore will notattend the latter. …

Jane Curtin: And now a new addition to ourUpdate team is correspondent Emily Litella withtonight’s commentary. [applause] Well, Miss Litella -you’ve badgered us all for a long time and now youhave a job. Welcome.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Oh, well, thank you, Jane. It’svery lovely to be part of a news team. Ah, tonight’scommentary is very important because I hearthat President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico asteak! … Now, why does he have to make them asteak? I didn’t think those people even likedmeat. … Now, let me warn all of you. If you makePuerto Rico a steak, the next thing they’ll want is abaked potato! With sour cream and chives andlittle tiny bacon bits and pieces of toast! And thenthey’ll probably want a salad bar! Why, they’ll belined up for miles! If President Ford wants to beremembered as a great president in his final days, heshould do something about the price of coffee! Notsteak! It’s outrageous! I can’t believe what that manis doing–

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What? What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] MissLitella, you’ve done it again. That’s not “steak.”President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico astate. Not a steak — a state.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhh. Well, I’m sorry.[squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. …[applause]

Jane Curtin: Miss – Miss Litella. Let – let’sget something straight. We’ve put up with your slighthearing impairment for a long time now and in thebeginning it was cute. But now you’re part of a newsteam and we like to report the news accurately. Now,if you don’t report the news accurately, we’ll have tolet you go. No job is permanent. Do you understand me?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes, yes, I do. I’ll – Iwill certainly do my best. I’ll try to do better,hm.

Jane Curtin: Please do.

Emily Litella: Bitch! … [applause – after amoment, Miss Litella briefly holds up two fingersbehind Jane’s head to the crowd’s delight]

Jane Curtin: That’s our news for tonight. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jane turns and glares at Miss Litella as we push inand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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