Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 12
Written by: Anne Beatts & Rosie Shuster
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner
TV Voice: Due to the mature subject matter dealt with in the following film, parental discretion is advised.
Announcer: And now: “Babies in Make-Up”.[ Babysitter turns the TV off ]
Little Girl: Oh, no! Oh, no! Please, Mrs. Gilley, please can I watch it? Oh, please, I’ll be so sad if I don’t, it’s gonna be the best show on television! Please!
Babysitter: No. Your mother told me you’re not allowed to watch it.
Little Girl: Why?
Babysitter: Because it’s dirty.
Little Girl: Dirty, like take-a-bath dirty?
Babysitter: Not exactly.
Little Girl: Dirty, like barenaked-in-front-of-strangers dirty?
Babysitter: Yeah, more like that.
Little Girl: Like, when your pajama trap door is open and there’s company over and your bum shows?
Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley?
Babysitter: What, Penny?
Little Girl: Want to see my bum?
Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley, Why do girls have more dirty parts than boys?
Babysitter: Because.. boys are always losing their things. God figured, if you clump all the dirty parts together, they’d know where to find them.
Little Girl: Well.. if.. if.. boys don’t have fuzz bumps, how come they still have two pink dots right here?
Babysitter: Yeah. Well, see.. that’s for when God blew them up.
Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley, how do you get a baby?
Babysitter: Well, the man takes the lady out to a fancy dinner, then go home and they do the Cha Cha lying down?
Little Girl: And then what happens?
Babysitter: Well, then the next day, the mommy calls up her best friend from across the road, asks her to go out and buy pillows so she can stuff them up her sweater.
Little Girl: Oh, no, no, that’s wrong! Tell me the real way you get a baby.
Babysitter: No, you’re too young.
Little Girl: Oh, please, please!
Babysitter: Oh, okay. Here’s the real story. You see, the man zips and unzips his pants seven times real quick, and then he says, “Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby!”
Little Girl: [ excited ] Oh.. well, I know all this stuff, anyway. First, the lady marries a daddy, and then they have a baby.. and then the lady marries another daddy, and then they have another baby, and then the babies go on television.
Babysitter: Where’d you learn that?
Little Girl: “Sonny & Cher”.
Babysitter: Well, that’s all wrong, see.. the daddy takes off his jockey shorts, and the mommy puts them on. Then they go in the kitchen and they eat bacon and eggs off the same fork.
Little Girl: Oh. Well.. now that I know everything, can we watch the movie?
Babysitter: Okay. But don’t tell your mother, huh?
Little Girl: Okay.[ Babysitter turns the TV back on ]
Voice on TV: Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby..[ pan out to audience full shot ] [ SUPER: “Is Helen Gurley’s Brown?” ] [ fade to black ]