Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 12
Crazy Frank…..Dan Aykroyd
Crazy Frank: [ waving his a hands frantically into the camera ] CRAZY ERNIE!! Boy, is Ernie crazy!! He’s been at it again, folks, slashing prices so low you won’t believe it!! Shop around, then come see for yourself!! Crazy Ernie will NOT be undersold!! For the BEST bargains in stereos, color TVs, radios — Crazy Ernie is your man!! He’s got it ALL!! [??] hi-fi components, coaxial [??] with custom headphones — cassette decks — [??]and LOTS, LOTS MORE!!! CRAZY ERNIE!! His prices are IN-SANE!![ SUPER: “Amplifiers: $534.98 (scratched out) NOW: $49.95” ] [ SUPER: “Tapedecks: $349.98 (scratched out) NOW: $19.95” ] [ SUPER: “Stereo Speakers: $266.98 (scratched out) NOW: $4.00” ]
I mean it — his prices are IN-SANE!!! Because Crazy Ernie is really CRAZY!! And I don’t mean “crazy prices” crazy — I’m talking crazy “not playing with a full deck” crazy!! I mean, REALLY CRAZY!! Look at this: [ touches the turntable ] This [??] with face-lock circuitry and direct-motor drive: $900!! Marked down to $12!![ SUPER: “Turntables: $900.00 (scratched out) NOW: $12.00” ]
And this brand new ? now yours for fifty-two cents!!
WHY is Crazy Ernie slashing prices SO LOW??!! Because it’s NOT Crazy Ernie’s store!! [ checks over his shoulder ] In fact… [ whispers ] He’s not even Crazy Ernie — he’s Crazy Frank, Crazy Ernie’s cousin. You see, last Tuesday, the real Crazy Ernie — whose store this really is — ran off to the Bahamas with Crazy Frank’s girl. To tell you the truth, I DON’T LIKE BEING LEFT ALONE WITH HIM!! You know, if I had a shovel or something to stun him with, you know —
YOU’D be crazy not to tkae advantage of these bargains!! Cash in on this!! Crazy Frank wants to unload all this stuff by next Tuesday, when the REAL Crazy Ernie gets back from the Bahamas!! Crazy Frank!! His prices are IN-SA-A-A-A-ANE!!![ surrounding SUPER: “Crazy Frank” ] [ fade ]