SNL Transcripts: Ruth Gordon: 01/22/77: The Litella Sisters At Home


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Litella Sisters At Home

Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Essie Litella…..Ruth Gordon

[ open on the Litella Sisters sitting at their kitchen table making toast ]

Emily Litella: Well, Essie, shall we have some nice toast for lunch?

Essie Litella: Oh, I love toast. But we had toast for breakfast. How about some nice cake?

Emily Litella: Oh, well, we could toast it. Although, real toast is one of my favorites of the foods.

Essie Litella: I know! Let’s have raisin toast, and let’s cut it in points.

Emily Litella: Oh, lovely, Essie! But it’s my turn to cut it, you cut it at breakfast.

Essie Litella: That was five points!

Emily Litella: Oh, Essie. [ puts bread in toaster ] There we go.

Essie Litella: Emily?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Essie Litella: I’m so happy that you’ve become the correspondent on “News Update”.

Emily Litella: Oh, yes.

Essie Litella: Have you decided what this week’s editorial is gonna be?

Emily Litella: Oh, no, I haven’t, Essie. I’m going to need your help. Now, that Jane Curtin girl is gonna be so angry with me if I don’t come up with something relevant! Now, Essie, what are the burning issues of the day?

Essie Litella: Hmm.. the burning tissues of the day? Oh, that’s ridiculous. How can you blow your nose on something that’s burning?

Emily Litella: Issues, Essie! Issues!

Essie Litella: Oh, well, uh.. oh! There’s this new fad.. uh.. transcendental medication. And then there’s all this hoopla they’re making over ships disappearing in the MacGruder Triangle.

Emily Litella: Oh, oh dear, no, no, no. That’s much too personal.

Essie Litella: Well, then.. what is all this ruckus Ralph Nader’s been raising about equipping every car in America with an air fag?

Emily Litella: Air fag? Well, that’s terrible! I didn’t know there were enough of those homos to go around! I say let’s keep them in Greenwich Village where they belong!

Essie Litella: [ has cut her toast into the shape of a duck ] Look, Emily! A duck!

Emily Litella: Essie! You watch your language! It’s your filthy mouth that’s kept you off the television all these years! Now, dear, dear, what am I going to do on “Update” this week? I mean, should I talk about toast?

Essie Litella: Emily, let’s pretend I’m the one who goes on “Update”. Introduce me, come on.

Emily Litella: Alright. [ ] And now, in response to a recent editorial that was shown on “Weekend Update”, here, with an editorial reply – watch it, Essie – is Miss Essie Litella.

Essie Litella: What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about flea elrctions in China? If Oriental insects want to run for office, that is their business!

Emily Litella: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella! Miss Litella!

Essie Litella: What?

Emily Litella: That’s flea erections. Flea erections!

Essie Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different. Never mind.

Emily Litella: [ picks the mail off of the table ] Oh! Essie, look! A postcard from Norm Crosby. Let me read it to you: “Dear Litella Sisters, keep up the good worm, all my lunch – Norm.” Well, that’s pretty stupid. Let’s toast it. [ drops the postcard in the toaster ] [ camera pans out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Mass Auto Eroticism” ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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2 days ago

Nononono — you blew the punch line! “That’s free elections …” Yeesh.