Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 12
The Litella Sisters At Home
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Essie Litella…..Ruth Gordon
[ open on the Litella Sisters sitting at their kitchen table making toast ]
Emily Litella: Well, Essie, shall we have some nice toast for lunch?
Essie Litella: Oh, I love toast. But we had toast for breakfast. How about some nice cake?
Emily Litella: Oh, well, we could toast it. Although, real toast is one of my favorites of the foods.
Essie Litella: I know! Let’s have raisin toast, and let’s cut it in points.
Emily Litella: Oh, lovely, Essie! But it’s my turn to cut it, you cut it at breakfast.
Essie Litella: That was five points!
Emily Litella: Oh, Essie. [ puts bread in toaster ] There we go.
Essie Litella: Emily?
Emily Litella: Yes?
Essie Litella: I’m so happy that you’ve become the correspondent on “News Update”.
Emily Litella: Oh, yes.
Essie Litella: Have you decided what this week’s editorial is gonna be?
Emily Litella: Oh, no, I haven’t, Essie. I’m going to need your help. Now, that Jane Curtin girl is gonna be so angry with me if I don’t come up with something relevant! Now, Essie, what are the burning issues of the day?
Essie Litella: Hmm.. the burning tissues of the day? Oh, that’s ridiculous. How can you blow your nose on something that’s burning?
Emily Litella: Issues, Essie! Issues!
Essie Litella: Oh, well, uh.. oh! There’s this new fad.. uh.. transcendental medication. And then there’s all this hoopla they’re making over ships disappearing in the MacGruder Triangle.
Emily Litella: Oh, oh dear, no, no, no. That’s much too personal.
Essie Litella: Well, then.. what is all this ruckus Ralph Nader’s been raising about equipping every car in America with an air fag?
Emily Litella: Air fag? Well, that’s terrible! I didn’t know there were enough of those homos to go around! I say let’s keep them in Greenwich Village where they belong!
Essie Litella: [ has cut her toast into the shape of a duck ] Look, Emily! A duck!
Emily Litella: Essie! You watch your language! It’s your filthy mouth that’s kept you off the television all these years! Now, dear, dear, what am I going to do on “Update” this week? I mean, should I talk about toast?
Essie Litella: Emily, let’s pretend I’m the one who goes on “Update”. Introduce me, come on.
Emily Litella: Alright. [ ] And now, in response to a recent editorial that was shown on “Weekend Update”, here, with an editorial reply – watch it, Essie – is Miss Essie Litella.
Essie Litella: What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about flea elections in China? If Oriental insects want to run for office, that is their business!
Emily Litella: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella! Miss Litella!
Essie Litella: What?
Emily Litella: That’s flea erections. Flea erections!
Essie Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different. Never mind.
Emily Litella: [ picks the mail off of the table ] Oh! Essie, look! A postcard from Norm Crosby. Let me read it to you: “Dear Litella Sisters, keep up the good worm, all my lunch – Norm.” Well, that’s pretty stupid. Let’s toast it. [ drops the postcard in the toaster ] [ camera pans out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Mass Auto Eroticism” ]