SNL Transcripts: Ruth Gordon: 01/22/77: The Mr. Bill Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Hands: It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!

Mr. Bill: Okay! Ohhhhh! It’s so good to see all you boys and girls, we’re going to have a great time today! And here’s my friend, he helps me all the time – Mr. Hands!

[ Mr. Hands emerges from the shadows ]

Mr. Hands: Hey, Mr. Bill, one of your good friends is coming to visit! [ singing ] “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog..” [ molds Spot into shape ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh! Spot! Ohhhh! It’s so good to see you, Spot!

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill, your best pal’s coming to visit right now.

Mr. Bill: Oh, who’s that, huh?

Mr. Hands: It’s Mr. Sluggo! [ molds Sluggo into shape ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh, no! He hurts me all the time, he’s gonna hurt me!

Mr. Hands: No, he just says he’s hungry. [ points to Spot ] He says that dog looks mighty tasty.

Mr. Bill: No! Leave Spot alone! Ohhhhh!!

[ close-up of Sluggo’s face shows Spot’s tail hanging out of his mouth ]

Mr. Hands: Mr. Sluggo says Spot was delicious.

Mr. Bill: Ohhh, why did you let him do that to Spot, huh?

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill, you know it’s important to be well-groomed when expecting visitors.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I can’t do that! I can’t do that! Wait!

Mr. Hands: Sure. Let’s comb your hair. [ takes a brush to Mr. Bill’s head and starts combing back, scraping his head apart ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh! I don’t want to be bald!

Mr. Hands: You’re not going to be, because I made you a new “Mod-Look” toupee. [ molds toupee and wraps it over Mr. Bill’s head ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t like it! I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, a visitor’s coming right now, and he’s a world-famous magician.

Mr. Bill: Ohh, who is that, huh?

Mr. Hands: It’s the Amazing Sluggo the Magician.

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! He’s not a magician, he’s just gonna hurt me again!

Mr. Hands: And I’m his assistant. And for Slugg’s first trick, he’s goning to levitate you. [ holds Mr. Bill sideways and wraps a cloth around him ]

Mr. Bill: I can’t do that! I can’t do that!

Mr. Hands: And to make it more interesting, he said to put these poison-tip spikes beneath you. [ drops spikes underneath Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! He’s just going to hurt me!

Mr. Hands: Here we go. Levitate yourself. [ drops Mr. Bill onto the spikes ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill, you didn’t think positive. Now for the traditional saw-the-man-in-half trick.

Mr. Bill: No, I can’t do that! He’s gonna hurt me!

Mr. Hands: No, Mr. Bill, I’ve seen it done thousands of times. [ puts Mr. Bill in the box, then closes the lid over his hand ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Okay, Mr. Bill, now, just get in the right frame of mind, and here we go. [ starts sawing the box in half ] He says to saw you in half right now!

Mr. Bill: No, no! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Okay, Mr. Bill, let’s check those results. Here we go. [ empties contents of both halves of the box, dispensing Mr. Bill in three pieces ] Oh, Mr. Bill, something must have gone haywire.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill’s going on an outer space adventure right now. [ places parts of Mr. Bill on a board balanced over a rusty can, then sends Mr. Bill flying into the air ] So, until next week, Mr. Bill says so long, and so long from Mr. Sluggo, Mr. Spot, and everybody else!

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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