SNL Transcripts: Ruth Gordon: 01/22/77: The Mr. Bill Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Hands: It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!

Mr. Bill: Okay! Ohhhhh! It’s so good to see all you boys and girls, we’re going to have a great time today! And here’s my friend, he helps me all the time – Mr. Hands!

[ Mr. Hands emerges from the shadows ]

Mr. Hands: Hey, Mr. Bill, one of your good friends is coming to visit! [ singing ] “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog..” [ molds Spot into shape ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh! Spot! Ohhhh! It’s so good to see you, Spot!

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill, your best pal’s coming to visit right now.

Mr. Bill: Oh, who’s that, huh?

Mr. Hands: It’s Mr. Sluggo! [ molds Sluggo into shape ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh, no! He hurts me all the time, he’s gonna hurt me!

Mr. Hands: No, he just says he’s hungry. [ points to Spot ] He says that dog looks mighty tasty.

Mr. Bill: No! Leave Spot alone! Ohhhhh!!

[ close-up of Sluggo’s face shows Spot’s tail hanging out of his mouth ]

Mr. Hands: Mr. Sluggo says Spot was delicious.

Mr. Bill: Ohhh, why did you let him do that to Spot, huh?

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill, you know it’s important to be well-groomed when expecting visitors.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I can’t do that! I can’t do that! Wait!

Mr. Hands: Sure. Let’s comb your hair. [ takes a brush to Mr. Bill’s head and starts combing back, scraping his head apart ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh! I don’t want to be bald!

Mr. Hands: You’re not going to be, because I made you a new “Mod-Look” toupee. [ molds toupee and wraps it over Mr. Bill’s head ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t like it! I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, a visitor’s coming right now, and he’s a world-famous magician.

Mr. Bill: Ohh, who is that, huh?

Mr. Hands: It’s the Amazing Sluggo the Magician.

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! He’s not a magician, he’s just gonna hurt me again!

Mr. Hands: And I’m his assistant. And for Slugg’s first trick, he’s goning to levitate you. [ holds Mr. Bill sideways and wraps a cloth around him ]

Mr. Bill: I can’t do that! I can’t do that!

Mr. Hands: And to make it more interesting, he said to put these poison-tip spikes beneath you. [ drops spikes underneath Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! He’s just going to hurt me!

Mr. Hands: Here we go. Levitate yourself. [ drops Mr. Bill onto the spikes ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill, you didn’t think positive. Now for the traditional saw-the-man-in-half trick.

Mr. Bill: No, I can’t do that! He’s gonna hurt me!

Mr. Hands: No, Mr. Bill, I’ve seen it done thousands of times. [ puts Mr. Bill in the box, then closes the lid over his hand ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Okay, Mr. Bill, now, just get in the right frame of mind, and here we go. [ starts sawing the box in half ] He says to saw you in half right now!

Mr. Bill: No, no! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Okay, Mr. Bill, let’s check those results. Here we go. [ empties contents of both halves of the box, dispensing Mr. Bill in three pieces ] Oh, Mr. Bill, something must have gone haywire.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill’s going on an outer space adventure right now. [ places parts of Mr. Bill on a board balanced over a rusty can, then sends Mr. Bill flying into the air ] So, until next week, Mr. Bill says so long, and so long from Mr. Sluggo, Mr. Spot, and everybody else!

[ end ]

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