SNL Transcripts: Ruth Gordon: 01/22/77: Mr. Mike’s Least Loved Bedtime Tales


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Mr. Mike’s Least Loved Bedtime Tales

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue
French Maid…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Mr. Mike touching the neck of a pink plastic flamingo in front of his chair ]

Mr. Mike: Fifi? Fifi, come here this instant!

French Maid: [ enters ] Oui, oui?

Mr. Mike: Fifi, there’s dust on my flamingo.

French Maid: Oh, no, Mr. Mike!

Mr. Mike: You know, why I have a half a mind to take you over my knee, and.. – oh, nothing. Say, why don’t you just hop up here on my lap, and I’ll tell you the story of “Willy The Worm”.

French Maid: Willy ze Worm? Ooh-la-la! I have never heard zis story!

Mr. Mike: Yes, you see.. one day, while crossing the highway, Willy the Worm was run over by a large truck. His back half was just.. mashed. He was rushed to the worm doctor, who took one look at him, shook his head slowly from side to side, and said, “Willy, I have bad news for you. I’m afraid you’ll never crawl again.”

“Not crawl? Not crawl? But crawling’s my whole life,” exclaimed Willy, and set out to prove the doctor wrong. Many years past, and progress was slow, but Willy never gave up. His fierce dtermination drove him on, and finally Willy could crawl just as well as he ever did.

“It’s amazing,” said the worm doctor. “Why, you’ll be written up in medical journals.” Indeed, worms had medical journals. “That’s nothing, watch this, Doc,” cried Willy. And he quickly crawled up a rock, down the other side, over a log, around a stump, and partway across the highway, where he was run over by another truck, even larger than the first. This time, his front half was mashed. The end.

French Maid: Oh, what a fine story, Mr. Mike! Merci beaucoup. [ kisses Mr. Mike’s cheek ]

Mr. Mike: Well, you saucy scamp, hadn’t you better be attending to your many duties?

French Maid: But, of course. [ exits ]

Mr. Mike: In closing, I’d like to say.. it’s all very easy to laugh at yourself, the difficult thing is learning to laugh at others.

French Maid: Oh, Mr. Mike! Mr. Mike! I have lost my feather duster! Will you help me retrieve it?

Mr. Mike: Well, I have to go now. I have to help Fifi retrieve her feather duster. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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