SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Amy Carter In School


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Amy Carter In School

Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Heather…..Gilda Radner
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Secret Service Agent #2…..Bill Murray
Black Student…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Alright, class, is everyone ready for our morning quiz?

Class: Yes, Miss Branshat!!

Teacher: Good.

[ Secret Service agents enter classroom, and make sure everything is in order. They open the door and let Amy Carter in. ]

Hello, Amy. You’re late again. Take your seat, Amy.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry. The limosine got stuck in traffic.

Teacher: You could have used your flashers! Now.. [ agents continue to scope the room before allowing Amy to take her seat ] ..settle down, boys. We’re gonna have an American History quiz this morning. now, who would like to tell me why we have quizzes?

Heather: Pick me! Pick me, Miss Branshat!

Teacher: Alright, Heather Thurman. You tell us.

Heather: We take quizzes to show what we know, not what we don’t know.

Teacher: That’s right, yes that’s very good! Alright, pupils, tablets ready. Now, in your best penmanship, write down the answers to these questions. Alright. Who is our new President?

Secret Service Agent #1: [ chuckles ] She should get that one!

Secret Service Agent #2: Yeah!

Teacher: Okay, now. Who was our first President? [ Amy answers the question, her agents look on ] Who was the President during the Civil War?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.

Black Student: [ looks up and points to his quiz sheet ] I know it!

Teacher: Okay. Who was the President during the War of 1812?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Madison. James Madison.

Teacher: Alright. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #2: [ looks at Heather’s paper, whispers the answer ] The pilgrims.. came to America.. to escape.. religious persecution. ..S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N.

Heather: [ notices the agent looking at her answers ] Miss Branshat, Miss Branshat! Amy’s cheating!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

[ Sensing a security violation, the Secret Service agents quickly stuff Heather into her desk and pound on the top. Miss Branshat intercedes. ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry, Miss Branshat, it won’t happen again.

Teacher: Well, just see that it doesn’t! Settle down, Heather. Alright, next question – and no copying this time! Compare and contrast the Jeffersonian and Jacksonian democracy in relation to the reformist movement of 1834.

[ Amy turns to her Secret Service agents, but they slowly back away and exit the classroom ]

Secret Service Agent #1: I don’t really know that one..

Secret Service Agent #2: No..

[ zoom out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Obscene Hog-Calling Contest” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x