Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 13
Amy Carter In School
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Secret Service Agent #2…..Bill Murray
Black Student…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]
Teacher: Alright, class, is everyone ready for our morning quiz?
Class: Yes, Miss Branshat!!
Hello, Amy. You’re late again. Take your seat, Amy.
Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry. The limosine got stuck in traffic.
Teacher: You could have used your flashers! Now.. [ agents continue to scope the room before allowing Amy to take her seat ] ..settle down, boys. We’re gonna have an American History quiz this morning. now, who would like to tell me why we have quizzes?
Heather: Pick me! Pick me, Miss Branshat!
Teacher: Alright, Heather Thurman. You tell us.
Heather: We take quizzes to show what we know, not what we don’t know.
Teacher: That’s right, yes that’s very good! Alright, pupils, tablets ready. Now, in your best penmanship, write down the answers to these questions. Alright. Who is our new President?
Secret Service Agent #1: [ chuckles ] She should get that one!
Secret Service Agent #2: Yeah!
Teacher: Okay, now. Who was our first President? [ Amy answers the question, her agents look on ] Who was the President during the Civil War?[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]
Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.
Black Student: [ looks up and points to his quiz sheet ] I know it!
Teacher: Okay. Who was the President during the War of 1812?[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]
Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Madison. James Madison.
Teacher: Alright. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]
Secret Service Agent #2: [ looks at Heather’s paper, whispers the answer ] The pilgrims.. came to America.. to escape.. religious persecution. ..S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N.
Heather: [ notices the agent looking at her answers ] Miss Branshat, Miss Branshat! Amy’s cheating!
Amy Carter: I am not!
Heather: You are, too!
Amy Carter: I am not!
Heather: You are, too![ Sensing a security violation, the Secret Service agents quickly stuff Heather into her desk and pound on the top. Miss Branshat intercedes. ]
Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry, Miss Branshat, it won’t happen again.
Teacher: Well, just see that it doesn’t! Settle down, Heather. Alright, next question – and no copying this time! Compare and contrast the Jeffersonian and Jacksonian democracy in relation to the reformist movement of 1834.[ Amy turns to her Secret Service agents, but they slowly back away and exit the classroom ]
Secret Service Agent #1: I don’t really know that one..
Secret Service Agent #2: No..[ zoom out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Obscene Hog-Calling Contest” ] [ fade ]