SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Amy Carter In School

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Amy Carter In School

Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Heather…..Gilda Radner
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Secret Service Agent #2…..Bill Murray
Black Student…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Alright, class, is everyone ready for our morning quiz?

Class: Yes, Miss Branshat!!

Teacher: Good.

[ Secret Service agents enter classroom, and make sure everything is in order. They open the door and let Amy Carter in. ]

Hello, Amy. You’re late again. Take your seat, Amy.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry. The limosine got stuck in traffic.

Teacher: You could have used your flashers! Now.. [ agents continue to scope the room before allowing Amy to take her seat ] ..settle down, boys. We’re gonna have an American History quiz this morning. now, who would like to tell me why we have quizzes?

Heather: Pick me! Pick me, Miss Branshat!

Teacher: Alright, Heather Thurman. You tell us.

Heather: We take quizzes to show what we know, not what we don’t know.

Teacher: That’s right, yes that’s very good! Alright, pupils, tablets ready. Now, in your best penmanship, write down the answers to these questions. Alright. Who is our new President?

Secret Service Agent #1: [ chuckles ] She should get that one!

Secret Service Agent #2: Yeah!

Teacher: Okay, now. Who was our first President? [ Amy answers the question, her agents look on ] Who was the President during the Civil War?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.

Black Student: [ looks up and points to his quiz sheet ] I know it!

Teacher: Okay. Who was the President during the War of 1812?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Madison. James Madison.

Teacher: Alright. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #2: [ looks at Heather’s paper, whispers the answer ] The pilgrims.. came to America.. to escape.. religious persecution. ..S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N.

Heather: [ notices the agent looking at her answers ] Miss Branshat, Miss Branshat! Amy’s cheating!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

[ Sensing a security violation, the Secret Service agents quickly stuff Heather into her desk and pound on the top. Miss Branshat intercedes. ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry, Miss Branshat, it won’t happen again.

Teacher: Well, just see that it doesn’t! Settle down, Heather. Alright, next question – and no copying this time! Compare and contrast the Jeffersonian and Jacksonian democracy in relation to the reformist movement of 1834.

[ Amy turns to her Secret Service agents, but they slowly back away and exit the classroom ]

Secret Service Agent #1: I don’t really know that one..

Secret Service Agent #2: No..

[ zoom out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Obscene Hog-Calling Contest” ] [ fade ]

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