SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Amy Carter In School



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13









76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Amy Carter In School

Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Heather…..Gilda Radner
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Secret Service Agent #2…..Bill Murray
Black Student…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Alright, class, is everyone ready for our morning quiz?

Class: Yes, Miss Branshat!!

Teacher: Good.

[ Secret Service agents enter classroom, and make sure everything is in order. They open the door and let Amy Carter in. ]

Hello, Amy. You’re late again. Take your seat, Amy.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry. The limosine got stuck in traffic.

Teacher: You could have used your flashers! Now.. [ agents continue to scope the room before allowing Amy to take her seat ] ..settle down, boys. We’re gonna have an American History quiz this morning. now, who would like to tell me why we have quizzes?

Heather: Pick me! Pick me, Miss Branshat!

Teacher: Alright, Heather Thurman. You tell us.

Heather: We take quizzes to show what we know, not what we don’t know.

Teacher: That’s right, yes that’s very good! Alright, pupils, tablets ready. Now, in your best penmanship, write down the answers to these questions. Alright. Who is our new President?

Secret Service Agent #1: [ chuckles ] She should get that one!

Secret Service Agent #2: Yeah!

Teacher: Okay, now. Who was our first President? [ Amy answers the question, her agents look on ] Who was the President during the Civil War?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.

Black Student: [ looks up and points to his quiz sheet ] I know it!

Teacher: Okay. Who was the President during the War of 1812?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Madison. James Madison.

Teacher: Alright. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #2: [ looks at Heather’s paper, whispers the answer ] The pilgrims.. came to America.. to escape.. religious persecution. ..S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N.

Heather: [ notices the agent looking at her answers ] Miss Branshat, Miss Branshat! Amy’s cheating!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

[ Sensing a security violation, the Secret Service agents quickly stuff Heather into her desk and pound on the top. Miss Branshat intercedes. ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry, Miss Branshat, it won’t happen again.

Teacher: Well, just see that it doesn’t! Settle down, Heather. Alright, next question – and no copying this time! Compare and contrast the Jeffersonian and Jacksonian democracy in relation to the reformist movement of 1834.

[ Amy turns to her Secret Service agents, but they slowly back away and exit the classroom ]

Secret Service Agent #1: I don’t really know that one..

Secret Service Agent #2: No..

[ zoom out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Obscene Hog-Calling Contest” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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