SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Grand Stand

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Grand Stand

Bryant Gumbo…..Garrett Morris
Lee Whitehead…..Bill Murray
…..Fran Tarketon
Conductor…..Howard Shore

[ open on “Grand Stand” logo ] [ pan out to reveal Lee Whitehead and Bryant Gumbo seated at the sportsdesk ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, it’s, uh — it’s certainly been an exciting first half of comedy, here in the RCA Building. Hello, I’m Lee Whitehead.

Bryant Gumbo: And I’m Bryant Gumbo. We’ll have some of the first half highlights with Fran Tarkenton, after this message.

[ dissolve to repeat of “Wrigley’s Gum” ad parody from Season 1 ]

Bryant Gumbo: Hello, welcome back to “Grand Stand”. We’re talking with Fran Tarkenton, host for “Saturday Night”.

Lee Whitehead: Fran, uh, you had a pretty good first half — you completed 11 out of 16 jokes, for a total of 97 laughs. Now, uh, some of the jokes have been pretty hard-hitting — do you think this is a dirty show? [ no response from Tarkenton ] Well, it appears that, uh, Fran cannot hear us. We’ll have that interview in just a few moments. But, first — let’s take a look at the “Saturday Night” blimp, uh, which is now above the studio.

[ cut to a close-up of the blimp above the audience, pan out for long shot ]

Lee Whitehead V/O: And, uh, the blimp, of course, is just a small part of the amazing technological hook-ups which bring us “Saturday Night Live.”

[ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk ]

Bryant Gumbo: Uh, excuse me — excuse me, Lee, I think Fran can hear us now. Is that correct, Fran?

Lee Whitehead: Uh, we’ve got Fran here. Hello, Fran? Fran? [ Tarkenton just grins like an idiot, unable to hear either of the sports anchors ] Well, I guess we’re not ready yet for that interview with Fran Tarkenton.

Bryant Gumbo: Yeah, yeah. And while we wait, uh, let’s look at some highlights from a show that is already in progress on ABC. Their late night movie is “That’s Entertainment, Part 10”. Uh, it has an exciting scene from “EVery Man’s House”.

[ cut to black-and-white film footage, with SUPER: “In Progress On ABC” ] [ a man sings “It’s… A… Big… Wide… Wonderful World…” to a bird in his hand, while his wife brings coffee and they sit at the table ] [ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk ]

Lee Whitehead: And, of course, we’ll be keeping you posted on the development in that show. Uh, I understand that, uh, FRan can hear us now. So, Fran, is that right? Can you hear us? Hello, buddy. [ no response from Tarkenton, who just smiles dumbly on the monitor ] Well… so, uh, Fran can’t hear us! So, let’s take it down to the floor — Howard Shore and his band, for some of that Half Time pageantry!

[ cut to a marching band playing on the field, as the Conductor steps forward and climbs a ladder before them ]

Announcer: And now, the White Plains Marching Band… saluting blind, non-white American composers! To begin our tribute, the band will perform… “You Are the Sunshine of My Life… while forming a pair of giant sunglasses in the c of the field.

[ the band stumbles about in an effort to form the shape ] [ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk, in mid-interview ]

Lee Whitehead: — a hard-hitting show. Do you think this is a dirty show, Fran?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, no, I don’t think so. I — I think it’s good, clean comedy. You know, no one’s taking any cheap shots out there, except, maybe, that Stevie Wonder joke we just heard.

Bryant Gumbo: I — I hope Stevie’s not hurt, speaking of cheap shots. Uh, when Don Meredith announced during the Superbowl that you were going to host “Saturday Night” — you know? — he said you were going a long way with no talent. Uh, what do you think about that?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, well, Lee — [ he laughs ], I’m not a vicious kind of guy, but, you know, there are three quarterbacks in the NFL who are gay, and… when Don was playing, there were four!

Bryant Gumbo: Okay, Fran, uh — [ he coughs ] Let’s take a look at some highlights from, uh, the first half.

[ show slow-motion footage from the Monologue ]

Bryan Gumbo V/O: Now, uh, this was early on in the show, and I think it was your first big laugh.

Fran Tarkenton V/O: Yes, I-I’d say this was definitely the turning point of the first quarter. John Belushi, he set me up just beautifully, and I went in for the laugh untouched.

Bryan Gumbo V/O: Yeah, uh —

Lee Whitehead V/O: Now, why don’t you tell us what’s happening in this scene, here —

[ show slow-motion footage from the Steroids ad parody ]

Lee Whitehead V/O: Right here.

Fran Tarkenton V/O: Well, now, I’m getting the time to get my jokes off, and I-I’m connecting with the audience, and I hope to do a lot more of that before the show’s over.

Lee Whitehead V/O: Terrific steroid bit, if I must say so. You look pretty good here, uh, no question about it. This next piece of tape we’re gonna see here, uh —

[ show slow-motion footage from the Hotel sketch ]

Lee Whitehead V/O: Oh, yeah, you look REAL good here! Now, you want to tell us what kind of condition you have to be in to pull this one off?

Fran Tarkenton V/O: Well, yeah, I think condition’s a big factor, and that’s why the show is so funny tonight. [ he chuckles heartily ] [ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk ]

Well, thank you, Fran, and that’s all the highlights. And we hope you’ll continue to be funny for us in the second half, or else — [ he mimes cutting his throat ]

Fran Tarkenton: Well, thank you, Lee and Bryant, and, uh —

Bryant Gumbo: Yeah, and, uh, thanks — that’s “Grand Stand”. Thank you, Lee, for anchoring.

Lee Whitehead: Thank you, Bryant, for providing the color!

[ they all augh uproariously at the joke ] [ the credits begin to scroll ]

Announcer: The preceding broadcast is the property of the National Comedy League. Any reproduction or rebroadcast, without the expressed written consent of the NLC, is strictly prohibited by common sense.

[ fade ]

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