SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Hotel Sketch


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Hotel Sketch

Alice…..Laraine Newman
…..Fran Tarkenton
Lee Whitehead…..Bill Murray
Referee…..Joe Dicso
Coach…..John Belushi
Waterboy…..Mitchell Laurance

[ open on Fran Tarkenton showing Alice into his hotel room ]

Alice: Ohhh, so this is your room?

Fran Tarkenton: [ as he helps to remove her jacket ] Yeah… [ he chuckles ] Uh, Room 411. My last night here.

Alice: Wow! [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] It’s really incredible running into you after the Superbowl, you know? I mean, it was outrageous! I thought to myself: “Fran Tarkenton, in this bar, all alone, with all that energy to be spent!”

Fran Tarkenton: [ he laughs as he sits next to her ] Yeah, well — uh, you know, I’m beat. uh — I’m about ready to crash…

Alice: Really? I could talk ALL night, man! Did I ever tell you –? [ stops herself ] No, I couldn’t have, we just met. About, when I was in the fourth grade, you know? And this girl, Jean Romberg, had a fly on her, you know? And, like, it really blew my mind, but she didn’t know it, man! And I thought, “Well, if I had a fly on me, I would know it, you know? And, like, that’s when I realized that I saw things and felt things on a much deeper level than most people.

Fran Tarkenton: [ nods his head wearily, then jumps to his feet ] Uh — TIME OUT! TIME OUT!

[ a Referee runs onto the set and stops the scene, as Tarkenton runs off the set to join the Coach on the sidelines. A waterboy joins in offering comfort to Tarkenton. ] [ Lee Whitehead appears in a circle on the left side of the screen ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, it looks like Tark has called Time Out, uh — he’s heading to the sidelines to talk over the situation with Coach John Belushi. You know, Belushi’s kind of an even-tempered, kind of a stoic kind of a guy. But he’s got one of the winningest records in the entire network, so he’s the kind of guy you’re not — you’re not gonna let loose. That’s the kind of guy you’re gonna pay a lot of attention of —

[ Tarkenton begins to return toward the set ]

It looks like they’re deciding on some kind of a — some kind of a plan of action over there, but, uh —

[ Tarkenton turns and returns to the Coach’s side ]

No, wait a second… it looks like he’s going BACK to the sidelines. Apparently, they’re gonna double-check on something. You don’t want to have any kind of miscommunication at this stage. Uh, certainly you want to make sure that there’s no misinformation on anything that’s going on. You know — Tark, they call him the “Little Viking”, but it just so happens that he’s got a huge, huge Oldsmobile that he loves to drive around, just run it into parking meters! It’s a funny story. [ he laughs ] But we can’t tell it now.

[ Tarkenton runs back toward the set ]

He seems to be confident now, and he’s running back for his next move.

[ Referee blows his whistle, then steps off-camera as the scene continues ]

Fran Tarkenton: How about a drink?

Alice: Oh, thank you!

[ Tarkenton jumps over to the minibar and fixes her a quick drink as she brushes her hair ]

Alice: You know, it’s really weird the way hair collects in my hairbrush…

Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, uh… yeah, uh… [ he dims the lights ] There, that’s uh — that’s better.

[ Tarkenton runs over to the nightstand and begins to undo his tie ]

Alice: Like, maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, bu,t like… fottball’s such a territorial thing. I perceive it as a very male thing.

Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, uh — [ he chuckles ] Yeah, it gets pretty rough out there!

Alice: Oh, I HATE violence — I really hate it. I mean, I’m sooo sensitive, you know? And, you know, a lot of women don’t like me. I mean, you can understand why. [ Tarkenton sits on the bed ] And, like, it really depresses me. I mean, sometimes I would like to take a razor blade and slice up my face.

Fran Tarkenton: Uh — [ he chuckles ] Yeah. Um, you mind if I lie down?

Alice: Oh, outrageous! [ Tarkenton lies down across the bed ] I had this premonition of me unfolding in front of you like a flower while you were lying down! [ she lies next to him ]

Fran Tarkenton: [ excited ] Oh, far out, man!

Alice: Fran, does it ever bother you that you’re called “Fran”? I mean, you know about, in that song, “A Boy Named Sue”? Well, like, I was thinking: if you have a son, you’ll name him “Bob” or “George” or “Frank” — anything but “Fran”.

Fran Tarkenton: Uh — you like music, huh? Uh, I’ve got my cassette player with me here. Uh —

[ he reaches over to the nightstand and turns his cassette player on ]

Voice of Bob Dylan: “Lay, lady, lay… lay across my big brass bed…”

Alice: Oh, wow! I just KNEW you’d be into Dylan! You know, I am so psychic that it’s frightening!

Fran Tarkenton: [ rubbing his back ] Uh, my back’s a bit sore — I think I’ll start up the Magic Fingers here. [ he turns on the massaging device connected to the bed, as it begins to vibrate ]

Alice: Fran? Why do they call you “The Scrambler”?

Fran Tarkenton: [ he chuckles ] I don’t know. I guess ’cause I scramble around a lot!

Alice: [ solemnly ] Tell me about Joe Namath’s —

[ Tarkenton climbs out of bed, throws on his robe, and stomps off of the set towards the Coach standing on the sidelines, as the Referee blows his whistle ] [ Lee Whitehead appears in a circle on the left side of the screen ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, with only a few seconds remaining, Tark has stepped out-of-bounds and stopped the clock. Uh, once again, he’s conferring with Coach John Belushi, uh — gonna see if he can put some scoring, maybe on the clock’s score, just before the clock runs out, here on the first half. Uh, you know, it’s a real psychological defeat to go all the way down, and get this far, and not score. But, uh, Tarkenton’s a pro, he’s been there before, he’s the kind of guy who hits and hits hard and keeps coming — you know what I’m talking about, ladies and gentlemen! He’s the kind of guy who goes once, twice, three times, and the kind of guy who likes to come back late from practice, if you know what I’m talking about.

[ Tarkenton runs back onto the set ]

Back to the action!

[ Tarkenton removes his shirt and jumps into the bed, as the Referee blows his whistle ] [ 0008 seconds remain on the clock ]

Fran Tarkenton: Alice?

Alice: What, Fran?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, want to go to bed?

Alice: Sure!

[ as the seconds wind down to 0000, Alice climbs on top of Tarkenton ] [ a gun fires, ending the scene ] [ Tarkenton and Laraine hop out of bed and run off the set to the sidelines, as Team Saturday Night retreats for Halftime ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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