SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Home Restaurant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Home Restaurant

Man…..Bill Murray
Woman…..Jane Curtin
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Daughter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on couple sitting at a table in an in-house restaurant ]

Man: How’s the drink?

Woman: Strong. But it’s really good. And they actually live here?

Man: Mmm-hmm. The Vice-President of DataCorp, Bill Holding, told me about this place, a man and his wife turn their own home into a restaurant three nights a week. It got a four-star rating in Food Map magazine.

Woman: Oh, wow!

Man: They said it was real expensive, but I made reservations two months in advance, because you’re worth it.

[ laughs ] [ Husband enters dressed as waiter ]

Husband: Is everything satisfactory?

Man: Oh, yes, everything is great!

Woman: And you have a lovely home!

Husband: Oh, thank you, thank you very much. You know, it is our pleasure to serve you, and extend the hospitality of the region of Alsace to you here in America, at Maison Alsace American. This is my wife, Ellen, she will assist me in preparing the meal for you tonight, and making you feel at home in our home. This is our home, as you know. I am the cook, I would like to tell you – I told you a ittle bit about it on the phone when I confirmed your reservation. What we are going to have for you tonight, exclusively for you. As you know, this is our home. I cook only three nights a week, for only one couple. This week I have chosen you. This way we can serve you exclusively, and give you our full hospitality. Now, tonight, for you, I have supper from the Alsace region of France. You will have, to start, Pate de Foie Gras. A soup made from leeks and tomatoes..

Wife: Excuse me, Maitre? The tomatoes are not as fresh as the red peppers.

Husband: We will be using the tomatoes in the soup, they are perfect for the soup. As I have said before – I am the cook, this is my home.

Wife: If you will excuse me. [ exits to kitchen ]

Husband: And, we will have, for you, some Quiche Lorraine with Apple, and you will have Les Cotelettes D’agneau, lamb chops, with green beans, Haricot Vert we say, and candied carrots and a little sauce on that, for you. We have the Patisserie for dessert, and the wine will be a red Alsatian wine, 1968 vintage. Does that sound good to you?

Woman: Oh, that sounds really good!

Husband: Alright, and for your entertainment pleasure, our daughter Francine will play the recorder for you. I come back. I hope you enjoy. Please. [ exits to kitchen ] [ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife can be heard yelling and screaming in the kitchen ] [ Husband re-enters with the soups ]

Wife: And, for you now, the soup.. and the Pate.. for your pleasure.

Husband: And, the wine. I hope you enjoy it, vintage 1968, from the Alsace region.

Wife: Right. Please, enjoy yourselves, we are only here to serve you, you should have a lovely time.

Woman: Oh, I’m sure we will!

Husband: And, for you. I am glad you enjoy it, it is a very good wine, and we have more downstairs for you. Alright. And, for your entertainment pleasure – Francine – our daughter Francine will play, for you, the recorder. [ exits to kitchen ] [ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, crashing noises can also be heard ] [ Husband re-enters with main course ]

Husband: And, for you now, the main course, which is, of course, Les Cotelettes D’agneau, with the small mint sauce on it, for you. Excuse me, I hope you enjoy it. Les Haricots-Verts. And a small light sauce on the carrots.

Man: Are you okay?

Husband: It’s nothing. I drop a plate.

Woman: The soup was delicious!

Husband: Soup is very good, I’m glad you enjoy it. Please enjoy your meal, please feel free to be at home in our home. And, for your entertainment pleasure now, Francine, our daughter, will play, for you, the recorder. Please enjoy. [ exits to kitchen ] [ Daughter plays the recorder, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, banging things up terribly ]

Daughter: [ screams ] Please!! I cannot take it any longer!! You must help me, I am in trouble!! I have to go to Colorado to see my boyfriend!! All I need is $35 more for the bus, oh please!!

[ Wife stumbles out of the kitchen ]

Wife: When you are through with your meal, the Patisserie – eclair, eclair – for later. Are you enjoying your meal, is everything satisfactory?

Woman: Delicious!

Wife: Oh! And now, for your enjoyment, our daughter Francine will play the recorder. [ exits to kitchen ] [ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, ruckus heightening ]

Daughter: [ screams ] Oh, please!! All I need is $35!! If you have $20, please give it to me!!

[ Man slips Daughter a $20 bill as Husband re-enters the room ]

Husband: I hope you are enjoying the meal.

Man: Great!

Husband: Myself, for myself – and I speak for myself – I am having some trouble in the kitchen. Having some trouble with, you say, La Four, the stove, the oven is giving us some troubles tonight. How are your carrots? Good for you tonight? Oh, not as good as last week, because my wife does not know how to prepare a sauce, you see? These carrots are not as good as last week! She is so stupid sometimes! So stupid, my wife! Sometimes – yes, my wife!

[ Wife stabs Husband in the back, piercing the bill with the knife ]

Wife: And here.. the check. But do not rush. Sit, enjoy your meal, take as much time as you like. And, for your listening pleasure,Francine will always play. Thank you! [ exits to kitchen ]

Man: [ looks at the check, smiles ] Hey, now that is not bad at all!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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