SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Fran Tarkenton’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Fran Tarkenton’s Monologue

…..Fran Tarkenton
Coach…..John Belushi
Lee Whitehead…..Bill Murray
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Fran Tarkenton!

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, thank you. Thank you very much. Uh, now I’m not going to predict how this show will turn out. Uh — [ he laughs ] You know, I’ve never hosted a TV show before, and I really don’t have the best track records… as far as predictions go. Before the Superbowl, I kind of made a fool of myself. I got on national television, and told the whole world the Vikings would definitely win the game. And, as you probably know, we… were narrowly defeated. Uh — [ he laughs ] by a very, very lucky Oakland team.

Uh — before we go any further, I’d like to say something about the kind of people here on “Saturday Night”. They asked me to do this show a week before the Superbowl, and, uh — I thought if we lost the game, “Saturday Night” would be well within their rights to, uh, call me the next day and cancel. Well… [ he chuckles ] I was wrong, and, uh, they called me at Half Time.

Now, I want everyone to know — especially you Vikings fans out there — that the Vikings aren’t dead yet. [ the audience cheers ] Uh — we’re a team, uh, built on pride and discipline. And, next July, we’re going back to Mankato, Minnesota — we’re gonna work harder than ever. We’re gonna put on those bonnets and purple jerseys, and strap those little shoulder pads on, and I guarantee ya’ that… we’ll BE in that Superbowl next season! And I predict… we’ll lose again.

[ the audience applauds the joke ]

You know, in the NFL, most plays are sent into the court of act from the sidelines. But, I’m a little different. I call my own plays, and I’m gonna try and do that tonight. So, right now, I’d — I’d like to sing a song. [ he nods ] Uh — a song that’s really, uh — very, very special to me, and… here it is.

[ music begins to play, as Tarkenton grabs a microphone, and pulls up a stool and sits ]

“Feelings!
Nothing more than feelings!”

[ on the sidelines, John Belushi cringes at the results of Tarkenton’s performance ] [ commentator Lee Whitehead appears in superimposed circle on the left side of the screen ]

Lee Whitehead: Well, you can’t help but wonder if maybe Coach John Belushi has made a technical error tonight, in letting Fran Tarkenton try his luck as a singer. Now, don’t get me wring — I’m not badmouthing Tark, uh, but you just can’t expect a guy who’s passed over 25,000 yards and 300 touchdowns to be able to pull off a dramatic ballad.

[ Belushi angrily slams a chair against the sidelines ]

Lee Whitehead: Now, I’m sorry, but that’s my opinion, uh —

[ Belushi grabs Garrett Morris off the bench ]

Lee Whitehead: Now, it seems that, uh, Belushi is sending in a play, with Garrett Morris, the talented running back out of Julius Irving High School here. And I wonder, uh, if we can get our statistician, Bobby Van Ry, to find out how many miles 45,000 yards adds up to.

[ Garrett runs up to Home Base ]

Lee Whitehead: Now, it looks like Garrett is gonna make a little bit of a change here. Back to the action for a second.

[ Garrett and Tarkenton agree to switch places for the good of the team, as Tarkenton shuffles away from Home Base and Garrett continues the song ]

Garrett Morris: [ singing ]“Feelings!
Wo-oh-oh-oh, feelings!
Wo-oh-oh-oh, feelings!”

[ on the sidelines, Tarkenton balks at the switch, so Belushi smacks him ]

Garrett Morris: [ singing ]“Again… in my… hea-ea-ea-earrrrrttt!!”

We’ll be right back!

[ Garrett bows gracefully, as the crowd cheers ]

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