SNL Transcripts: Fran Tarkenton: 01/29/77: Sugar-Coated Anabolic Steroids

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Sugar-Coated Anabolic Steroids

…..Fran Tarkenton
Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Fran sitting at the kitchen table ]

Fran Tarkenton: Hi, I’m Fran Tarkenton. You know, it takes strength and stamina to play pro football. You need to replace lots of lost muscle tissue fast, and sometimes your metabolic system just can’t pull it off alone. That’s why I start each day… with a big bowl of Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids.

[ he pours a box of the cereal into a bowl ]

This cereal is a delicious synthetic derivative of male hormones, and in one eight-ounce bowl I get more than my body would produce in three years.

[ he holds up the individual colored pieces ]

There’s testosterone, for quick weight gain.

Stanazol, to boost your strength.

And these androgens, to help promote aggressiveness and turn your grapes into raisins.

But the BEST part — [ he chuckles ] has got to be the taste. It’s great with milk, or right from the box. [ he pours milk into his cereal bowl, and chugs a few pieces by hand ] Mmm! Slightly sweetened, and mixed with chewy arshmallow magnesium bits to help slow sudden muscle decay.

So, whether you’re a professional athlete… or just a housewife — [ camera pans right to reveal his bearded wife seated next to him ] lower your metabolism the way the pros do: with Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids. The male hormone cereal. Oh! I almost forgot.

[ cut to a young boy seated at the table, also bearded ]

Kids like it, too.

Announcer: Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids. The official cereal of the Soviet Union Shotput Team.

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with CAPTION: “Flunked Body Language” ] [ fade ]

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