Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 13
Team Saturday Night
…..cast of “Saturday Night”
[ open on a locker room set ]
Coach: I can’t… play the game for you, I don’t know what else to tell ya’. I don’t know what else to do. This is the Big One! Our last two games, we were off our games. Okay? We blew some sure laughs. We were SLOPPY! We didn’t have any GUTS! Let’s face it: we didn’t want it BAD enough!! Okay. Now, we’re losing some strength — Belushi’s gonna be out this week. But I’ll be on the sidelines, sending in those jokes — WHEN it’s necessary! Now, when you get out in front of those cameras, I want you yto act what you feel! Act what you KNOW!! And, remember: what’s the most important thing?
Cast: BE FUNNY!!!!
All: Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight..!!
Coach: Okay, alright! Now, Tark — you’re gonna be out there first. You got any questions?
Fran Tarkenton: Uh, yeah — if I tell a joke, and it doesn’t get an immediate response, uh, do I wait for a laugh?
Coach: No! [ he punches a locker ] No, no! Bill!
Bill Murray: Uh — when a joke doesn’t get a laugh, tell the joke it should make a face.
Coach: What kind of a face?
Bill Murray: Uh, a FUNNY face!
Coach: A funny face. Alright. Fight![ everyone repeats the chant ]
Coach: Okay, okay, okay! Alright, alright! Any more questions? [ Fran Takenton raises his hand ] Tark?
Fran Tarkenton: Uh, Coach, if I blow a line or a word, uh, what do I do? Ignore it?
Coach: No, no, NOOO!!! [ he swats Tarkenton against a locker ] Gilda!
Gilda Radner: Uh — when you blow a line or a word, the blower of the line or word should acknowledge it and have fun with it!
Coach: Good! and, Jane, WHY do we have fun with it?
Jane Curtin: [ stands and shouts ] Because if WE don’t have fun with it, the AUDIENCE won’t have fun with it!! [ she initiates the group into their chant ]
Coach: Alright, alright, alright! Good! Uh — are there any other questions?
Fran Tarkenton: [ raises his hand ] Yeah.
Fran Tarkenton: I forgot, uh… the first joke of my monologue!
Coach: [ stunned ] What? Are you clutching? Is that it? You’re telling me it’s true what they say about you, that Fran Tarkenton can’t win the Big One? Oh, boy… That you’re a loser? [ wraps his arm around Tarketon ] Fran, let me tell ya’ a story. A story about a… kid who, uh, played football in high school. His grades were pretty bad. But he played football. He played four years, and his grades got up. He went to the University of Illinois. Football scholarship, got good grades there. He played football there, then he went on to Harvard Law School, graduated and… went to Chicago to become a successful banker. That’s boy’s name… was Bob Buckley.
Fran Tarkenton: Who’s Bob Buckley, Coach?
Coach: A guy I went to high school with.
Voice: Hey, come on! [ the chant begins again ]
Coach: Alright!! Now, look — I can’t host the show for you! You’re gonna be out there hosting that show for yourself! You lose your head out there, out in front of those cameras, YOU are gonna make a fool out of yourself! Alright?! Okay, now look — [ he turns to a blackboard ] What do you do here? [ he points to the center of the board ]
Fran Tarkenton: I do my monologue.
Coach: Your monologue. Good! [ poits to an upper corner ] What do you do here?
Fran Tarkenton: My act.
Coach: Your act. Alright, good. [ points to the other corner ] What do you do here?
Fran Tarkenton: Well, I introduce Leo Sayer and Donny Harper and his singers.
Coach: Good! Now, look, Tark — just maintain your sense of humor. Just kind of laugh, have some fun with it! Stay loose! Stay in condition! Yuo know, that was what was wrong with Tony Orlando & Dawn — they didn’t stay IN CONDITION!! Okay? Laugh![ the cast begins their chant again ]
Coach: Everybody! Everybody! Let’s have some of them exercises — comedy cals! Okay! Take to the RIGHT!!
Coach: Take to the LEFT!![ they all jerk their heads to the left ]
Coach: Double-take, RIGHT!![ they all double-jerk their heads to the right ]
Coach: Double-take, LEFT!![ they all double-jerk their heads to the left ]
Coach: Okay! Right eyebrow, UP!![ they all lift their right eyebrows ]
Coach: Left eyebrow, UP!![ they all lift their left eyebrows ]
Coach: Both eyebrows, UP!![ they all lift both eyebrows ]
Coach: Okay, now MUG!![ they all mug their faces ]
Coach: Funny faces!! Mug!! Cross yor eyes!! Good! Good! Come on, MUG, Curtin, MUG!! Aykroyd!![ everyone is contorting their faces into ridiculous positions ]
Coach: Okay! Good, good, good, good!! [ everyone stops mugging ] Okay, we’re good and loose. Okay, let’s get together for a team prayer. Get down on one knee. [ everyone kneels upon one knee ] “Dear Lord… please give us the zaniness and courage these men need to make America laugh. Because America is the funniest nation in the world. Help them remember what their coach has told them, so that every man here will have learned something about himself. And please, Lord, help guide Fran Tarkenton… so that he will NOT humiliate himself… like he did… in the Superbowl.”
All: AMEN!!! AMEN!!![ everyone rises ]
Coach: GET OUT THERE!!!
All: HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!![ everyone runs out onto one of the main stages. They huddle together, then fling their arms into the air in a collective stance. ]
All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!”