Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 13
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Before I begin my regular news broadcast tonight, I’d like to read you a letter. [ holds letter ] “Dear Jane Curtin: I certainly miss Chevy, he is real sexy. You can’t hold a candle to him. Would you please send me his photograph? Yours sincerely, Margie Kaufman.” [ puts letter down ] I’ve been getting letters about News Update lately with phrases like “Going Downhill”, “Not What It Used To Be”, and “Just Plain Boring.” Mostly the letters are about how Update isn’t as good as when that “sexy Chevy Chase” did it. The network says the ratings are slipping, and they’re putting a lot of pressure on Lorne to try somebody new, like that new kid Murray, or whatever his name is. You see, I just assumed it was responsible journalism you wanted, not sex. I gave you more credit than that. But I was wrong. What can I say, besides… “Try THESE on for size, Connie Chung!” [ she rips open her blouse and exposes her black bra ] If it’s raw news you want, it’s raw news you get!
Our top story tonight: following the Vatican declaration that women cannot becoem priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources report that Colonel Sanders has declared that he will not employ anyone that does not resemble a chicken.
Well, everybody talks about the weather, especially this cold winter, but many times they are inaccurate. A spokesperson for the Association of American Witches & Warlocks said today, “A witches’ breast is no colder than the average American woman’s breast.” More on this story as it develops.
Since Jimmy Carter has been in the White House, the telephone switchboards there have been jammed with 80,000 calls a day. Operators say that 1,000 are official business, and 79,000 are obscene phone calls traced to a phone booth in San Clemente, California.
In a shattering landmark ruling, the Swedish government has released this statement: [ Jane recites a corny Swedish ramble ]
The United States Army has announced that it has developed a cruise missile in retaliation to a similar weapon built by the Soviet Union. The Army is spending $2.6 billion for this missle that tracks down its target no matter where it is. “Weekend Update” was able to sneak its cameras into the testing site in the Nevada flats, and obtained this footage of the first trial launching of the cruise missile.
[ footage from an old silent film is played, as Jane narrates ]
There’s the launch, and a cruise missile is off! Ah, it spots its target. There it goes. There’s just no stopping this cruise missile, folks! $2.6 billion! In pursuit of its target. It’s a heat-seeking device, but always get its man, and, sometimes, its woman. $2.6 billion. Uh-huh. Look out. It’s the cruise missile.
[ end footage ]
Still To Come: Jimmy Carter likes Amy’s friends. After this message.
[ dissolve to “Community Appeal” ]
[ return from ad parody ]
Jane Curtin: Hi!
Former President Gerald Ford enjoyed a round of golf today near his Palm Springs home. When a reporter asked him whether he regrets not being the Chief Executive, Ford said, “I’m glad I’m not the Chief Executive, or the President, because then there would be two Presidents. I believe in the One-President System.”
In the wake of the phenomenal success of the TV production of “Roots”, based on Alex Haley’s bestseller, Mr. Haley has reportedly revealed a mistake in his research of his family origins. Instead of tracing himself back to an 18th century Kunte Kinte, Haley says he goes back only as far as the 1930’s vocal group The Inkspots. Haley has apologized to his publisher and to the American Broadcast Company, and, for some unknown reason, Shirley Temple Black. I don’t know why.
[ Jane playfully pulls back the collar of her blouse to reveal bare skin ]
“Weekend Update” would like to correct a mistake in one of our news items last week. In a profile of Mamie Eisenhower, we inadvertently reported that she once knocked out Floyd Patterson to win the Heavyweight crown. Well, we stand corrected!
Our final story tonight… I’m overwhelming you, aren’t I?
Despite the fact that this is the coldest winter in years, and that, with the chill factor, temperatures have been well below zero, the members of New York’s famed Polar Bear Club were not discouraged from taking an early morning swim today. Sixteen members entered the frigid waters off Coney Island this morning, clad only in bathing suits to prove that they could brave even the roughest of elements. One humorous note: all sixteen members froze to death.
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.