Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 13
Credit Card Counseling
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
Barbara: Look, Miss Weiss, I’ll say it again – we would not be suspending your MasterBank card if you exercised better control over your spending.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, I am terribly sorry. I can’t tell you what an embarassment it is for me to be called in like this.
Barbara: Regardless, Miss Weiss, it seems to have happened. These records all show you were way over your credit limit, and the card must be suspended. They speak for themselves! Here, let’s look at your receipts..
Rhonda Weiss: [ reluctantly ] Alright.
Barbara: Now, this first one –
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, alright, it’s for the silk blouse I’m wearing.
Barbara: For which you paid $65.39.
Rhonda Weiss: On sale!
Barbara: You call that a sale? I got a silk blouse for $35 at Saks!
Rhonda Weiss: Well, I got a silk blouse for $20 at Bloomingdale’s, marked down twice.
Barbara: I once purchased a pure silk blouse for $10 at Bonnewitz, originally $99.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, I have, in my possession, a 100% silk blouse which was given to me by the head buyer at Gimball’s, for free.
Barbara: It so happens a friend of mine once paid me $10 to take a silk blouse off her hands when she was moving. You understand?
Rhonda Weiss: You actually made money getting a silk blouse?
Barbara: And it is so gorgeous, it’s to die for. To kill yourself from! You could take a bottle of aspirin, put a knife through your heart, a bullet through your head, and throw yourself out a window from this blouse!
Rhonda Weiss: Not to mention the $10.
Barbara: Exactly. [ looks through her papers ] Now, this receipt, from Sun Drugs for $25.95?
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, yeah. Now that’s for several things.
Barbara: For instance?
Rhonda Weiss: Well, uh, first of all, once a month –
Barbara: Oh, yes..
Rhonda Weiss: Well, all I can tell you is, on the first day I go through one every half-hour.
Barbara: On my first day, I go through two every fifteen minutes.
Rhonda Weiss: Plus, I get so bloated I cannot zip my pants. I mean, we are talking miss Blimp.
Barbara: Bloat? Bloat?! You want to talk from bloat?! I retain water like a reservoir! But even worse, I get so sore I cannot sleep on my stomach, you know what I’m saying!
Rhonda Weiss: Do I know what you’re saying? Listen, I’m just lucky if I can put on a blouse!
Barbara: And then, of course, there’s the cramp.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, don’t talk to me! I drop dead for 24 hours!
Barbara: Is that all? Mine last for a week, and they start the week before.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, when I get those, they start two weeks before, and go for a week after! We’re talking cramps for one entire month! I mean, one ends, and an hour later Miss Blimp drops dead!
Barbara: Well, that explains the drugstore. [ looks through her papers ] Now.. Li Pha Ho’s Restaurant, $15. you like Chinese food?
Rhonda Weiss: It’s my life!
Barbara: Well, I know where to get the best Chinese food in New York.
Rhonda Weiss: Where?
Barbara: The East Side. Wong’s. Very few people know about it.
Rhonda Weiss: Really? Well, I know where to get the best Chinese food in the country.
Rhonda Weiss: Denver. Hong’s. Nobody knows about it!
Barbara: I know where to get the best Chinese food in the world.
Rhonda Weiss: Where?
Barbara: China. Even I don’t know about it! They blindfold you before you go in, so you don’t see the name. [ looks at Rhonda ] Oh, such cute earrings.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I got them from my brother. He’s a dentist and a jeweler.
Barbara: Really? My brother’s a doctor and a lawyer.
Rhonda Weiss: Really?
Barbara: And a furrier! When I had my accident, he examined me, defended me, and replaced my coat.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, my other brother is a dentist, a jeweler, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, and the owner of a Sweet and Low factory.
Barbara: Oh, how nice for you. Well, Miss Weiss, I think you understand we’ll be expecting a payment from you at the end of the month.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, look, could I have a little extension? I mean, I’m having my nails wrapped, and I’m not allowed to hold a pen for four weeks.
Barbara: Well, why don’t you use the penny nails? They’re wonderful! You can type!
Rhonda Weiss: Really?
Barbara: Yes! I typed all your warnings!
Rhonda Weiss: Where do you get ’em?
Barbara: At a little place downstairs, I’m going there in ten minutes.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, can I come along?
Barbara: Oh, Miss Weiss, I repaid you –
Barbara: Look, look, look.. I know a diet where you can lose 100 pounds in one hour.
Rhonda Weiss: [ giving in ] You can use my card.
Barbara: Thanks![ pan upwards to audience, zoom in on bored-looking man with SUPER: “Lost Interest at 11:31” ] [ fade ]