Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 14
Gern Blanston……Steve Martin
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Garrett Morris
Sandy Duncan…..Laraine Newman
Vincent Price…..Dan Aykroyd
Rose Marie…..Jane Curtin
George Jessel…..Al Franken
Hal Linden…..Bill Murray
Robert Blake…..John Belushi
Farrah Fawcett-Majors…..Lily Tomlin
Steffy Hellers…..Mitchell Laurance
Trink Mexico…..Tom Schiller
Sonja Bordva…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Sister Mary Margaret Mary…..Rosie Schuster
Cy Blickman…..Tom Davis
Star #2…..Cheryl Hardwick
Star #3…..Jim Downey
Star #4…..Howard Shore
Woody Allen’s sister…..Anne Beatts
Garth Lunthro…..Michael O’Donoghue
Harold Giblan…..Alan Zweibel
[Open on a red “Hollywood Bingo” sign, bordered with flashing lights,two of them burnt out. Very fast-paced, jolly theme music plays]
Don Pardo V/O: And now it’s time to play Hollywood Bingo! Solet’s bring out your host, Gern Blanston!
[applause; Gern walks out and stands in front of a small bingomachine, an empty blue backdrop behind him. He bows and points to thecamera]
Gern Blanston: Thank you, Don Pardo! Thank you and goodevening. I’m Gern Blanston , and welcome to Hollywood Bingo,where you meet the big stars, go for the big prizes and the big money.You know how the game is played: [channeling Peter Marshall] Sixacrossupordownandtheresafreespaceandgoforthebigmoney –[pauses] OK now, let’s meet the stars. Hello, stars!
[Cut to a very oversized bingo card. In place of the numbers aretwenty-four stars and a Free Space. The stars wave]
Stars: Hello, Gern!
Gern Blanston: OK! Right away, under the B, why it’s thatLatina hot tamale Charo!
Charo: Oh holy tamale I can’t tell you, I’m so hootchie-hootchie-hootchie — [shakes her chest at Gern]
Gern Blanston: Charo will be appearing at the Imperial BoomBoom Room in Lake Tahoe throughout March. Say, if anyone can, theCandyman can, ’cause the Candyman is none other than I-19, SammyDavis, Jr!
[Sammy’s head barely pops out from the bottom of his square. Noglasses, his eyes are shut]
Sammy Davis, Jr: Oh you’re embarrassing me, man, like you’remuch too kind, man
Gern Blanston: Thank you, Sammy! Sammy will be opening withDean in Vegas. Say, here’s a crazy kooky nut who sees things Sammy’sway, Sandy Duncan!
Sandy Duncan: Hi, everybody. I’ll be starring in Stratford,Connecticut, where I’ll be playing Kate in “Taming of the Shrew.”[laughs as her glass eye wanders]
Gern Blanston: Next star, author, actor gourmet chef,all-around great guy G-50, Vincent Price!
Vincent Price: You know I adore doing the show, Gern, and Ijust want to say I have a cookbook coming out from Viking Press.It’s called Through His Stomach. [leers at the camera]
Gern Blanston: Hey, our next gal is a great old gal, thelovely, or talented , Rose Marie!
Rose Marie: [laughs in her gravelly voice] Ha ha ha! What’reya doin’ after the show?
Gern Blanston: Ro will be appearing on old reruns of “The DickVan Dyke Show.” Hey, I love to kid our next star, Mr. Show Bizhimself, B-8, Georgie Jessel!
George Jessel: It’s- it’s a real pleasure to be here, Gern.And believe me, at my age, it’s a pleasure to be anywhere .
Gern Blanston: Ha ha ha! Georgie just cut an album on the MCAlabel, “Jessel Does It to Jolson.” Hey, I’m real proud to be able tocall our next star my close personal friend, Mr. Television himself,Hal Linden!
Hal Linden: You know, uh, I love “Barney Miller,” but my realroots are in the legitimate theatre. And I’d love to sing a song for
Gern Blanston: [interrupting Hal] Great, great, Hal. Nowlisten, Hal’s hoping to do a guest shot on “The McLean Stevenson Show”next year. Good luck on that one , Hal! Hey, here’s a star whomade the successful transition from movies to television, the actorand star of “Baretta,” Robert Blake!
Robert Blake: [with a cigarette hanging from his mouth] Fiveyears ago, I woulda done this show on a dare! I’m doing it nowbecause I got a big hit. You can bank on thatdese, dem, dose, dem
Gern Blanston: Ladies and gentlemen I have to say, you know, ifGod had angels as pretty as this next guest, he wouldn’t have died.Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett-Majors!
[Farrah says nothing, but giggles and shakes her head back and forth]
You know, Farrah and her hair will be appearing in separate cities.And now, a Fonzie lookalike, Steffy Hellers, O-67.
[Steffy gives a thumbs-up to the camera]
OK, I don’t know who he is. OK, let’s see, under the B, let’s welcomeTrink Mexico.
[Trink smiles and waves his wire bow tie]
Trink is in the national touring company of “Love on a Pin.” OK, now,the sensational Sonja Bordva.
[camera pans to Sonja; Gern is moving through the stars more quickly now]
Sonja is currently appearing on “Hollywood Bingo.” OK, that brings usup to the Charley Weaver Memorial Free Square. [Gern suddenly takes ona solemn tone of voice. The face of Charley Weaver appears in thecenter square] And Charley will be appearing nowhere. You know,Charley would’ve loved that joke.
Next, G-56, a real nun and a real cad to boot. It’s Sister MaryMargaret Mary, the Nutty Nun!
[Sister Mary waves, wearing a Groucho disguise]
Hey, isn’t she funny? How about O-72, Cy Blickman!
[Cy shows off his wine glass]
Cy will understudy Rip Taylor in the L.A. production of “Dial N for Nurder.”
[The camera pans past the next four stars quickly as Gern tries torecognize them]
And under the B never saw him before, don’t know who he is never seenhim before not sure about him and we’re not sure about this personeither, ladies and gentlemen–
[The camera reaches the last person in the row]
But we do believe this next person right along here is Woody Allen’s sister!
[She wears Woody Allen’s glasses, and gives a nervous wave to the camera]
Alright now, under the B, it’s Garth Lunthro, road manager for Micky Dolenz!
[Garth smiles and points to his right]
Now I-28, Fern Ligman.
[Fern appears frightened]
Fern just finished King Kong, in which she played “A FrightenedPerson.” OK, say hi to Harold Giblan, butcher.
Harold will be appearing behind the meat counter weekdays ’til 6.Now G-49, that’s my old cousin Peter Libra.
[Peter is picking his nose until he notices the camera’s on him]
And finally, O-73, Joanie from next door. Joanie eats food.
[Jodie crams a slice of cake in her mouth]
And those are our stars tonight on Hollywood Bingo! [buzzer rings;the theme music starts up again] Hey, we’re all out of time. Don’thave time to play the game, but tune in next week when 25 differentstars will plug 25 different things. Goodbye, stars!
[Gern waves at the stars, and they all wave back. Applause; fade]
Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo