Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 14
The Coneheads At Home
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
IRS Agent…..Steve Martin
[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ] [ Beldar comes down the stairs to Prymaat in the living area ]
Prymaat Conehead: Good morning, dear. How was your sleep phase?
Beldar Conehead: Sufficient! And yours?
Prymaat Conehead: I dreamt of the Gelatin Bowl on our home planet Remulak.[ they touch cones, emitting high erotic pitch ]
Beldar Conehead: Mmmmm.. you have stimulated me! Let us return to the sleep chamber immediately![ Connie enters front door; her cone is painted in psychadelic colors ]
Connie Conehead: Good morning, parental units. I must inform you now that I will not be home from school tonight.
Beldar Conehead: [ alarmed ] Your cone! Unacceptable! Undesirable! Unacceptable!
Connie Conehead: Oh, come on, Dad! I have altered my cone for tonight! I’m attending a concert of a popular music group, called Peter Frampton. For some reason, I am the only girl who could get backstage.
Prymaat Conehead: Mip! I cannot comprehend those irregular sound patterns that you enjoy. Now, the Vigra Orbs of Remulak – that was music.
Beldar Conehead: Yes.
Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy.. I hate school so much. I have absorbed all the knowledge there is to know. When will the star cruisers come to take us off this planet?
Beldar Conehead: Hear me, young one: you are privileged. When I was a small cone, my family lived in an isolated quadron. I had to walk ten dextrons, knee-deep in farlite-crystals each day, to a little red one-room data center! I’ll never forget my first programmer, Miss Morlax. I wonder if her life functions are still active.[ doorbell rings ]
Connie Conehead: I have to split. I will respond to the door signal.
Beldar Conehead: Allow the human to enter. Return at the pre-determined time coordinates.
Connie Conehead: I will try. [ opens door to IRS Agent ] Greetings. Enter. My name is Connie, I think you’re cute. [ exits ]
IRS Agent: Uh.. is this the, uh.. [ reading form ] ..Con-Ed residence?
Beldar Conehead: Conehead! The name is Conehead! Please identify yourself!
IRS Agent: Uh.. I’m Eli Turnbull, of the Internal Revenue Service.. and I have some questions I have to ask you here.
Beldar Conehead: Very well. Sit!
IRS Agent: Uh.. you see, Mr. Conehead, according to our records, you’ve only, uh.. [ Beldar begins to chugging a whole six-pack of beer ] ..you’ve only been filing since 1968. Uh..[ Prymaat wheels out a breakfast cart ]
Beldar Conehead: Ahhh! The morning meal! Shredded swine flesh.. and fried chicken embryos! Here. Dry citrus.
Prymaat Conehead: Bacon and eggs.
Beldar Conehead: [ eating slovenly ] Mmm..
IRS Agent: I guess you folks are really into breakfast!
Prymaat Conehead: Visitor, we advise you to.. to consume mass quantities.. of food.
IRS Agent: Hey, hey, that’s okay. Um.. Mr. & Mrs. Conehead,, I’m just trying to sort out your tax situation before ’68. Now, for the last nine years, you’ve only been filing under the name “Mr. & Mrs. Conehead.” Do you have a first name?
Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar!
Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!
IRS Agent: O-kayy.. [ writing information down ] “Beldar Conehead.” That’s great. Now, it says here, you’re currently employed as a driving school instructor?
Beldar Conehead: Correct.
IRS Agent: [ picks up bottle of Tang, chuckles ] Hey.. isn’t this the drink the astronauts took to the Moon?
Beldar & Prymaat: Astronauts to the Moon!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!
IRS Agent: Yeah.. Okay, now, uh.. from ’68 to ’70, you were living at the Burdette Falls Season Trailer Park in Moleen, Ohio?
Beldar Conehead: Iowa. Correct.
IRS Agent: Okay, now about these deductons for last year – you claimed $2,000 for stocking caps.. $7,000 for beer.. and $2,000 for titanium; what is titanium, anyway?
Beldar Conehead: [ quick ] The most durable metal known to mankimd!
Prymaat Conehead: We need it to survive.
IRS Agent: Okay, fine.. now.. now, my main question is: where were you before 1968?
Beldar Conehead: We had not yet landed on this- in this country.
IRS Agent: Oh, I see.. then, you’re, you’re, you’re not from this country, you’re illegal aliens.
Prymaat Conehead: Yes! We come from France!
Beldar Conehead: France! We came from France!
IRS Agent: So.. you are aliens! That’s what I thought!
Beldar Conehead: Yes, our records were lost, when the craft which brought us from France plunged into Lake Michigan. We crawled from the bottom of the lake, and lived by night for years off our remaining proto-caps.
IRS Agent: Ye-eah.. listen.. I think I’ve got al the information I need right here. Um.. I’m just going to trn this over to Missing Records, and, uh.. there’s no problem! You know, I mean, I know where you’re coming from, hey! Stocking caps, titanium and beer – what the heck, it happens all the time! So, I’ll be going. [ heads for the door ]
Beldar Conehead: All things are woven of the same molecular fiber!
IRS Agent: [ humoring Beldar ] That’s so true.. I’m gonna write that down. Hey, taxes are no big deal, so, uh.. you call us! No problem!
Prymaat Conehead: Have a safe journey.
Beldar Conehead: Someday, you can take me to your supervisor.
IRS Agent: [ hurriedly ] Great.. great.. [ exits ]
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Do we have time for a quick one before I must prepare for work?
Prymaat Conehead: Yes. Let’s do it right here in the living room.
Beldar Conehead: Yes. Let’s.[ they toss sensor rings upon one another’s cones ]
Beldar Conehead: You have stimulated me..! You have stimulated me..![ zoom out to fade ]