SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/26/77: Singles Bar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Singles Bar

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Man and Woman sitting at table in singles bar ]

Man: [ laughing ] So, anyway, the first time I ever came to one of these singles bars, I.. fell down the stairs and crashed into the cigarette machine!

Woman: [ charmed ] That’s what happened to me, too!

Man: You’re kidding me!

Woman: No!

Man: Well.. I’ll be honest with you: when I first saw you, I kinda figured that that happened to you, too.

Woman: [ excited ] Really?!

Man: Yeah. Just by looking at you. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll bet you play on “Old MacDonald” on push-button phones, too, right?

Woman: [ laughs ] Right! [ laughs ]

Man: You know, it’s funny.. we’ve only been together here, like, ten minutes, and already we have a lot in common!

Woman: I know.

Man: It’s really amazing. I mean, like, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Oh, I-I.. calibrate the pressure ratios for hydraulic valve systems.

Man: [ guffaws ] So do I! Oh! What did you do before that?

Woman: Well, I folded the little plastic index tabs that separate the sections in notebooks.

Man: [ amazed ] I did, TOO!!!

Woman: [ laughing ] Oh, no!

Man: I can’t believe this!

Woman: This is incredible!

Man: Hey, look – what does your tongue taste like to you?

Woman: [ thinking ] Um.. nothing. It has no flavor.

Man: Really?! Neither does mine! Oh! Wha-what’s your favorite loud noise?

Woman: Oh.. I-I don’t know.. I like all of them..

Man: Ah, you must have a special favorite..

Woman: No, I don’t have a favorite, I like them all equally well.

Man: What about when you turn on the bathroom water, and it doesn’t come out right away, and then suddenly it just all comes out!

Woman: I love that! Oh.. what about when it’s summer, and you’re sitting on a leather sofa, and you’re wearing shorts and you’re sweating, and you have to stand up real quickly?

Man: [ excited ] That’s my favorite pain! You said my exact favorite! That’s my favorite!

Woman: Listen.. don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting in your room, and you hear screams and shouts outside, becuase someone got hit by a truck?

Man: Yeah! Yeah! What’s your favorite land mass?

Woman: [ thinking ] Dalmation Islands, just off the coast of Yugoslavia.

Man: The southern one? A little further inland.

Together: Just above the 30th Parallel!!

Woman: I like your nose.

Man: Ah. And you’re so healthy looking, real natural.

Woman: Well, I try to eat right, and I exercise. And I never, uh.. open a safety pin and punch into my face all over.

Man: That’s good.

Woman: Look, uh.. don’t you just hate it when somebody dies in the apartment next door to yours, and they don’t find them for a couple of weeks.. and. when they do, their pet parrot ate half of them.

Man: Yeah. [ they kiss ] Hey.. you know what I’d like to do right now?

Woman: What?

Man: Have you seen “A Star Is Born”?

Woman: Yes!

Man: Well, let’s go stand in line.. and when it gets to be our turn, we’ll go back and get into the end of the line again!

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, I’d love that!

Man: Let’s go!

[ they both stand, hold one leg behind their back and begin to hop ]

Man: You like to hop!

Woman: Oh, everywhere!

[ they hop into the darkened set, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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