SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/26/77: Celebrity Weightlifting


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Celebrity Weightlifting

…..Bill Murray
Vasselai Alexev…..John Belushi
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis…..Gilda Radner

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to Bill Murray standing in front of a weightlifting mat and a pair of barbells ]

Bill Murray: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Celebrity Weight Lifting. Tonight’s big treat, of course, is the cleaning jerk competition, featuring Vasselai Alexev, the big Russian, who’s won this event three times in the Olympic Games — three Golds.

[ reveal Alexev strutting in the background ]

And his opponent tonight will be Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, the socialite and former First Lady.

[ reveal Onassis smiling sweetly in the background ]

Now, there’s no doubt about it, that Alexev is at the top of his form now. Of course, he won — he broke his old record last year at Montreal in the Olympic Games there, no question about it. Jackie, of course, has been plagued with injuries — most recently, that big rib cage separation she suffered just a few weeks ago over at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, uh, their Imperial Russian Costume Exhibition over there. Uh, that must still hurt — just how much, we’re gonna see in a moment.

[ Onassis steps away from the mat ]

Okay, it looks like Vasselai is about ready to make his first attempt, at a weight of 250 kilograms.

[ Alexev stands before the barbells and preps himself ]

Ohhhh, look at that neck! I understand it’s a nineteen-inch neck, the Russian has.

[ Alexev grabs one end of the barbell, then grabs the other, then lifts it up to his neck ]

It’s up! It’s up! He’s cleaned in…

[ Alexev lifts the barbell high above his head, poses, then thrusts it down at the mat ]

AND IT’S GOOD!! A very fine win for Alexev — 250 kilograms! You can see why he won the Gold Medal last year at Montreal.

[ as Alexev steps out of the way, Onassis prances forward and toward the barbell ]

Now, uh, it looks like Ms. Onassis is approaching the bar — this will be her first attempt. What a competitor, she’s got a lot of drive — it runs in the family, you know. And, uh, she’s approaching the bar…

[ Onassis poses in front of the barbells, keeping her knees locked in position at all times ]

You know, she tried Gatorade, uh — she gave some Gatorade to Alexev, in the locker room. He said he never tried it, they were going to arrange to try to get a couple of cases sent over to the Soviet Union, so he could use it in his own training camp.

[ Onassis grabs two ends of the barbell, starts to lift, then releases her grip to check her nails ]

Oop — she’s not happy with her grip. And I don’t blame her. If you’re not ready, you just walk away from the bars. That’s the way they say to do it, and she’s right to do it.

[ Onassis daintily bends down and grabs the barbells again ]

Okay, she’s got it…

[ Onassis attempts to lift the barbells, but faces difficulty as she crouches down and struggles to lift them past her knees ]

She seems a little bit unsteady

[ Onassis slowly struggles to rise with the barbells in her grip ]

She’s got it… she is cleaning it… she’s trying to clean it, she’s trying to clean, she’s at — shes’s cleaning! She’s cleaning it…!

[ Onassis struggles, but she finally lift the barbells over her head and shakily holds it in place ]

She’s got it!!

[ Onassis is unable to maintain her balance ]

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Gotta be steady!

[ Onassis, still gripping the barbells, galls backwards onto the mat ]

Ohhhh!!! NO!!! Oh!! You had to remain steady, of course, and the judges are gonna give it to Alexev.

[ Alexev steps forward, beaming with victory ]

Oh, Vasselai — another convincing victory, if only she could have hung on. How do you feel about your weight tonight?

Vasselai Alexev: [ rambles in Russian until: ] — maybe you could get me a pair of blue jeans, some time?

Bill Murray: [ chuckles] Love to, Alexev! You certainly did outdo your performance tonight. Let me check on Ms. Onassis’ condition. [ looks over her slumped body ] Uh — Jackie? How are you? What do you think about the lift?

Jackqueline Kenney Onassis: Oh, I… I think it’s my collarbone… I… I think I broke it…

Bill Murray: [ jumps to his feet ] Ah, she broke the collarbone! Well, it’s always the collaegone — that’s what they always say! Well, you can’t help but wonder if maybe Jackie will be missing that big, uh, party for Rudolph Nureyev this Monday night. She won’t be able to compete at the jerkfest, no doubt about it. But, we’re about of time, right now, but please come on back, join us next Saturday night, when the Finals of the Two-Handed Snatch will, uh, feature Aretha Franklin and Eric Severeid. We’ll see you then, you take care!

[ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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