SNL Transcripts: Sissy Spacek: 03/12/77: Burger Master

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Burger Master

1st Employee … Gilda Radner
2nd Employee … Garrett Morris
3rd Employee … Laraine Newman
1st Customer … Bill Murray
2nd Customer … Jane Curtin
3rd Customer … John Belushi
4th Customer … Jim Downey

[Behind the counter at the Burger Master fast foodrestaurant, three employees stand with their backs tothe camera, wearing garish orange and yellow caps anduniforms. They turn to face the camera, holdinghamburgers.]

Three Employees: [hum a note and then sing]Hold the lettuce, hold the cheesesSpecial orders don’t displease us

1st Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I’d like aburger, medium rare. Could you put grilled onions onit but no pickles. And if it’s not too much trouble,would you mind pouring some Kukoa Colombian frog bloodall over it, please?

1st Employee: [obnoxious grin] No trouble at allllll![turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exitsas the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Burgers any way you want ’em
You tell us what’s off or on ’em

2nd Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I’d like aburger, well done. Put a little relish on it, somecold water detergent and, if it’s not too much of aproblem, would you mind blowing your nose on the bun?

2nd Employee: Comin’ up! [turns, fixes burger, blowsnose in it, hands it to customer who exits as thethree employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Drive thru Burger Master and see
Burgers plain and burgers fancy

3rd Customer: Hey, I’d like a burger.

3rd Employee: Hey! Anything on that?

3rd Customer: Why, yes. A used hair-net, moth crystals, old radio parts, confetti, cole slaw, a cat-nipped mouse and the entire contents of a lava lamp.

3rd Employee: You’re the boss! [turns, fixes burger,hands it to customer who exits as a 4th customerenters and shows a piece of paper to the employees]

Don Pardo: [voice-over] Yes, at Burger Master, you’rethe boss! Burgers the way you like ’em at pricesthat’ll make you wonder where we get our meat. So whynot drop down to Burger Master today?

1st Employee: [to the 4th customer] Ah, right! Herethey are, sir! [employees bring out three trays ofburgers and place them on the counter] Fifty burgers,each prepared in their own special way!

4th Customer: Oh, one more thing. Would you mindjumping up and down on them until they’re mashed intoa disgusting pulp?

1st Employee: No trouble at all!

[The employees sing as they climb up on the counterand stomp on the burgers in time with the song:]

Three Employees:
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!etc.

[After a closer view of the smashed burgers being trodunderfoot, we pan up and away from the set — wherethe employees continue to stomp and sing — to revealthe applauding audience above. As the SNL band kicksin, we slowly zoom in one one young woman over whom asuperimposed text reads: LAUGHED WHEN BAMBI’S MOTHERDIED. The woman reads this and cracks up.]

Submitted Anonymously

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