Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 15
76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin
Amy’s Bedtime Story
Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Walter Cronkite…..Bill Murray
Amy Carter…..Sissy Spacek
Mary Fitzpatrick…..Garrett Morris
Stagehand: [ enters ] Well, thank you, Mr. President! That’s a wrap!
President Jimmy Carter: Thank you!
[ crewmen begin to remove all the television equipment ]President Jimmy Carter: [ to Cronkite ] Well, that was — that was okay. That worked out okay.
Walter Cronkite: Yeah, that was pretty good. We’ll have to do that again sometime.
President Jimmy Carter: [ looks offscreen ] Hello, Amy!
[ Amy quietly enters the scene ]Amy Carter: Hi, Daddy!
President Jimmy Carter: Amy, this is Mr. Cronkite.
Walter Cronkite: Hello, Amy.
[ Amy shakes hands with Mr. Cronkite ]President Jimmy Carter: Uh, honey — I’m going to walk Uncle Walter out to his car, and then I’m gonna come back in, we’ll have some milk and cookies in the kitchen, okay? [ looks offscreen ] Mary?
Mary Fitzpatrick: Yes, Mr. President?
President Jimmy Carter: Mary, will you mind Amy while I get back? Um — this is Mr. Cronkite. This is, um, Amy’s nanny, Mary.
Mary Fitzpatrick: Ah yes, the ex-convict from Georgia! Hello, pleased to meet you.
President Jimmy Carter: Yes, okay. Fine. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.
[ Carter and Cronkite exit the scene ]Mary Fitzpatrick: Child, your father sure knows how to USE the media. Come on, let’s go back and get some milk and cookies, alright?
Amy Carter: Nanny, is it true that you lived in a state prison?
Mary Fitzpatrick: [ she stops in her tracks ] Yes, child, I made some mistakes, I had some ba-a-ad breaks!
Amy Carter: Nanny, you’re ni-i-i-ice…
Mary Fitzpatrick: So are you, sweetheart.
Amy Carter: Nanny, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, sure. Come on — sit on my knee! [ Amy sits ] Okay! Now, this is the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears! Now, it was the summer of ’70… and after just working for a long time for the State Department of Agriculture, Goldilocks FINALLY got her letters from the parole board!
Amy Carter: The parole board?
Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah! See, she just done the big quince downstate for wastin’ some lowlife cat in Gainsville, honey.
Amy Carter: The big quince?
Mary Fitzpatrick: A QUINCY! Five big ones! You know, uhhh —
Amy Carter: Oh, yeah —
Mary Fitzpatrick: YEARS!
Amy Carter: — like you been locked up and stirred?
Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right! Yeah! So, there she is, out of the joint, right? Back on the street with nothing but a state-owned pair of jeans. So she takes a bus to Tampa, she gets some heat from a friend, right? She steals a car, and then she POPS a supermarket for some free eagles!
Amy Carter: She knocked off a store for some money?
Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right, honey! Yeah! Then, she drives north of town, right? Into the dark, wet Everglades.
Amy Carter: She have her hipwaders on?
Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, yes, she did. Mmm-hmm. Are you sure I haven’t told you this one before? Hmm?
[ Amy shakes her heads no ]Mary Fitzpatrick: Well, anyway… pretty soon, she comes up on this shack sittin’ on the steps, right? Now, by now, little Goldilocks is hungrier than a porpoise at Marineland, child.
Amy Carter: Marineland?
Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah, it’s like a fish zoo, you know? So… she pulls her piece, removes the lock on the door — BOOM! BOOM! — and then, she goes in and she eats THREE bowls of hot gator soup! [ mimes eating sloppily from a bowl ] Right? And then she crashes for the night. And when she finishes — rather, when she wakes up — she’s looking right down there, straight into the twin barrels of a 16-gauge shotgun, honey. You see, what she done was, she broke into the home of the Three Bears — Mama Bear, Cleofus Bear, and Winston Bear. You know? But, luckily, she had been in the joint with Winston’s old lady, and Cleofus got her a job as an ambulance dispatcher in Miami. And — and it happened.
Amy Carter: [ suddenly riled up ] Don’t you jive me with none of that bull fairy tale jive, honey! I know that Goldilocks sure don’t go no place there like Florida! I know what goes down someplace like… Bovaria, or German, or someplace like that! Jive!
Mary Fitzpatrick: Noooo, no! Honey, you thinkin’ about Hansel & Gretal!
Amy Carter: Oh, yeah… I forgot…
Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah. I don’t know — for a child your age, you gettin’ mighty streetwise! Come on, let’s go eat some cookies.
Amy Carter: Yeah!
Mary Fitzpatrick: Okay!
[ they stnd and run off into the kitchen ] [ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Taxidermy The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of?” ] [ fade ]