SNL Transcripts: Sissy Spacek: 03/12/77: Amy’s Bedtime Story


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Amy’s Bedtime Story

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Walter Cronkite…..Bill Murray
Amy Carter…..Sissy Spacek
Mary Fitzpatrick…..Garrett Morris

[ dissolve back onto the Carter set ]

Stagehand: [ enters ] Well, thank you, Mr. President! That’s a wrap!

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you!

[ crewmen begin to remove all the television equipment ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ to Cronkite ] Well, that was — that was okay. That worked out okay.

Walter Cronkite: Yeah, that was pretty good. We’ll have to do that again sometime.

President Jimmy Carter: [ looks offscreen ] Hello, Amy!

[ Amy quietly enters the scene ]

Amy Carter: Hi, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Amy, this is Mr. Cronkite.

Walter Cronkite: Hello, Amy.

[ Amy shakes hands with Mr. Cronkite ]

President Jimmy Carter: Uh, honey — I’m going to walk Uncle Walter out to his car, and then I’m gonna come back in, we’ll have some milk and cookies in the kitchen, okay? [ looks offscreen ] Mary?

[ Mary the Nanny comes down the stairs ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yes, Mr. President?

President Jimmy Carter: Mary, will you mind Amy while I get back? Um — this is Mr. Cronkite. This is, um, Amy’s nanny, Mary.

Mary Fitzpatrick: Ah yes, the ex-convict from Georgia! Hello, pleased to meet you.

President Jimmy Carter: Yes, okay. Fine. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.

[ Carter and Cronkite exit the scene ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Child, your father sure knows how to USE the media. Come on, let’s go back and get some milk and cookies, alright?

Amy Carter: Nanny, is it true that you lived in a state prison?

Mary Fitzpatrick: [ she stops in her tracks ] Yes, child, I made some mistakes, I had some ba-a-ad breaks!

Amy Carter: Nanny, you’re ni-i-i-ice

Mary Fitzpatrick: So are you, sweetheart.

Amy Carter: Nanny, can you tell me a bedtime story?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, sure. Come on — sit on my knee! [ Amy sits ] Okay! Now, this is the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears! Now, it was the summer of ’70… and after just working for a long time for the State Department of Agriculture, Goldilocks FINALLY got her letters from the parole board!

Amy Carter: The parole board?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah! See, she just done the big quince downstate for wastin’ some lowlife cat in Gainsville, honey.

Amy Carter: The big quince?

Mary Fitzpatrick: A QUINCY! Five big ones! You know, uhhh —

Amy Carter: Oh, yeah —

Mary Fitzpatrick: YEARS!

Amy Carter: — like you been locked up and stirred?

Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right! Yeah! So, there she is, out of the joint, right? Back on the street with nothing but a state-owned pair of jeans. So she takes a bus to Tampa, she gets some heat from a friend, right? She steals a car, and then she POPS a supermarket for some free eagles!

Amy Carter: She knocked off a store for some money?

Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right, honey! Yeah! Then, she drives north of town, right? Into the dark, wet Everglades.

Amy Carter: She have her hipwaders on?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, yes, she did. Mmm-hmm. Are you sure I haven’t told you this one before? Hmm?

[ Amy shakes her heads no ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Well, anyway… pretty soon, she comes up on this shack sittin’ on the steps, right? Now, by now, little Goldilocks is hungrier than a porpoise at Marineland, child.

Amy Carter: Marineland?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah, it’s like a fish zoo, you know? So… she pulls her piece, removes the lock on the door — BOOM! BOOM! — and then, she goes in and she eats THREE bowls of hot gator soup! [ mimes eating sloppily from a bowl ] Right? And then she crashes for the night. And when she finishes — rather, when she wakes up — she’s looking right down there, straight into the twin barrels of a 16-gauge shotgun, honey. You see, what she done was, she broke into the home of the Three Bears — Mama Bear, Cleofus Bear, and Winston Bear. You know? But, luckily, she had been in the joint with Winston’s old lady, and Cleofus got her a job as an ambulance dispatcher in Miami. And — and it happened.

Amy Carter: [ suddenly riled up ] Don’t you jive me with none of that bull fairy tale jive, honey! I know that Goldilocks sure don’t go no place there like Florida! I know what goes down someplace like… Bovaria, or German, or someplace like that! Jive!

Mary Fitzpatrick: Noooo, no! Honey, you thinkin’ about Hansel & Gretal!

Amy Carter: Oh, yeah… I forgot…

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah. I don’t know — for a child your age, you gettin’ mighty streetwise! Come on, let’s go eat some cookies.

Amy Carter: Yeah!

Mary Fitzpatrick: Okay!

[ they stnd and run off into the kitchen ] [ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Taxidermy The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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