Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 15
Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller
[ open on interior, kitchen, white trash household ] [ Henry storms into the kitchen from the bedroom and pulls the fridge open, as his Wife enters behind him and sits at the table ]
Wife: Well, how do you think I feel? Two whole weeks we been married — I’m still the same girl I was before my wedding night.
Henry: Where’s my Cherry Slush?!
Wife: And I was lying under you tonight, never once thinking you’d find your manly power…
Henry: Not more than TWO HOUR AGO, I bought a Cherry Slush from 7-11 — now WHERE IS IT??!!
Wife: I was lying under you thinking about something else, just like you told me!
Henry: [ having found his Cherry Slush, he sits down ] now, where’s the foam?! Where’s the DAMN FOAM??!!
Wife: I was thinking about the noise the washing machine makes…
Henry: Well, I didn’t pay forty-five cents for TWO HOURS of LOUSY FOAM!!!
Wife: When that didn’t work — that didn’t help you find yor many powers — I started thinking about… dead people, and… if dead people secretly watch to see if you go to their funeral…
Henry: [ stands ] You lookin’ at certain parts of my body… and you think of the word “dead”?! Well, no wonder! If you’re wonderin’ why there is no wonder, well there is… NO… WONDERRRR!! [ paces the room ] You know… I have been with — if you know what I mean — a semi-professional singer.
Wife: I know.
Henry: I have had adult relations with a… semi-professional singer.
Wife: I know!
Henry: Not to mention, many others! Not to mention the rest — only to mention the one that PROVES to a man, who has been to Houston, and left behind a satisfied semi-professional singer!!
Wife: [ crying ] I have worn EVERY piece of underwear you have sent away for from the back of that magazine!
Henry: It’s not just a matter of wearing send-away udnerwear!! It has somethin’ to do with yew bein’ eighteen… and ME bein’ twenty-three! With yew comin’ to see… that certain THRILL to a man’s body!
Wife: Ah see that certain thrill. Yew may not SEE I see it, but I see it! [ quietly ] I’ve seen it… and I felt it two weeks ago, standin’ in the fire hall sayin’ “I do.” I apologized to God udner my breath for seein’ that certain thrill RIGHT THERE in front of that preacher!
Henry: And speakin’ of the preacher… what’s happenin’ those two weeks? Well, I’ll tell ya’. And it starts with this bein’ MY home, and it doesn’t feel like it… and it starts with YOU makin’ that NEW vegetable!!
Wife: Brussell sprouts!!
Henry: A NEW vegetable!! I don’t need a NEW vegetable — I have trouble enough with the OLD vegetable!! Without yew bringin’ in a NEW vegetable!! And… YEW… always ignorin’ me when I ask yew to buy FRUIT SLAW?!!
Wife: You didn’t EXPLAIN it!!
Henry: It’s fruit slaw! You buy it in the dairy case, it comes in a plastic thing! It’s like COLE slaw, only it’s made of FRUIT!! It’s FRUIT SLAW!! FRUIT SLAW!! Now, HOW MUCH MORE CAN A MAN SAY ABOUT FRUIT SLAW??!!!
Wife: [ crying ] I’m sorry…
Henry: [ sighs ] And yew always usin’ the word “casserole” to mean the food and the thing you put it in! [ he sits in his easy chair ] Not to mention, uh, you changin’ the channel ev’ry time I’m watchin’ my fav’rite program! Not to mention, the bathroom! no, all your things in the bathroom! It’s been TWO WEEKS of ME tryin’ to take care of MY business, and ev’ry time I sit down to it, my eyes comes smack against that bottle of Miss Clairol Sparklin’ Cherry Color Number 1-0-1 “for a natural, lustery sheen, full-bodied, glowin’ with highlights”! I KNOW all this crap by heart from TWO WEEKS of readin’ it!! You understand?! [ he jumps to his feet ] And you want to know whar ELSE I know?! [ sits at the kitchen table ] SUPER TAMPONS!! Yew wanna hear THAT?! [ he grabs a cigarette and a match ]
Wife: [ crying ] Yew just sayin’ all these things to hurt me…
Henry: [ flicking the match unsuccessfully until it lights ] No, I’m not.
Wife: [ she stands ] And what about YE-EW?!! Hunkerin’ around the house all the time, lookin’ in all the candy jars like you’re expectin’ to find candy in there… ‘cept this is YOUR house, and you know there ain’t nothin’ in there but safety pins and rubber bands, and yew givin’ me dirty looks! And how ’bout the other night when you shushed me? You SHUSHED me THREE times, when yew was watchin’ Lucie Armez on “$25,000 Pyramid”! Adn EV’RY night at dinner, yew ask me if I want my dessert, like we’re back in the high school cafeteria: “Yew want your dessert? Yew want your dessert?” LIKE WE GOT MARRIED SO YEW COULD EAT MY APPLE BROWN BETTY!!! [ she screams and runs across the room and sits in his easy chair ]
Henry: We-e-e-e-elllll, well, well!! So maybe it just proves what I been meanin’ to say for two weeks: yew should’ve married that handsome Rick Mooney!
Wife: [ aghast ] Well, if I’d known — if I would have known… what I know now, last summer, at cheerleader camp, when I was decidin’ between yew and RICK MOONEY!! [ quietly ] It all happened… at cheerleader camp, at morning devotion. We were all down on our knees, around the flagpole in the driveway… and you had to hold the jingle bells quiet on your tennis shoe laces… and I was holdin’ my jingle bells, thinkin’, “God… give me a sign… Henry, or Rick Mooney…” And I said “Amen”… and we all stood up, and I let go of my jingle bells to brush off the cinders off my knee. In the driveway, the cinders were MASHED into my knee and forming the shape of an “H” for “Henry”, and THAT’S when I KNEW!! [ she breaks into tears ]
Henry: [ tapping the kitchen table ] Is that so?
Wife: I learned two things at majorette camp last summer: I love yew… and they give free nuts to people on airplanes.
Henry: Is that so?
Wife: No. That’s not so. The truth is… the cinders in my kneeskin didn’t form the shape of an “H” — the cinders in my kneeskin didn’t form ANYTHING! But I made up that story because I LOVE you, and you never believed I loved you more than Rick Mooney! And I still love you, I still love you! And I have seen your warpaths without yew, and I’ve seen ALL those things with the seat stuck out on its own and all, and I’ve seen all of that and I still love you! [ she sighs ] So… now you know…
Henry: [ he sighs ] Now I know. Hey, uh — put your clothes on. Come on.
Wife: What for?
Henry: Well, we’re goin’ to the 7-11 — I’ll buy you a… Cherry Slush.
Wife: [ perks up ] Cherry Slush? Henry… [ they hug ] Oh, Henry, Henry…[ fade ]