Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 15
Sissy Spacek: And now, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce two very funny men — the comedy team of Franken & Davis.[ writers Al Franken and Tom Davis step out on stage ]
Franken & Davis: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you, Sissy!
Sissy Spacek: I understand you’re going to improvise something for us tonight?
Tom Davis: Well, that’s right, Sissy. We’re going to take TWO suggestions from you, the audience… we’re going to confer, or huddle, for about ten seconds, and then we’re going to perform a scene based on those suggestions right off —
Franken & Davis: Right off the top of our heads!!
Sissy Spacek: It sounds really exciting. Take it away!
Tom Davis: Thank you very much!
Al Franken: Thank you, Sissy! [ to the audience ] Okay, uh, everyone — we, uh, need the, uh, name of a place where, where people meet.[ audience members yell out various ideas: “Pittsburgh”, etc. ] [ Franken and Davis look around as the responses fly in ]
Al Franken: A doctor — a doctor’s office! I heard that! And now, uh, we need a, uh, a profession. A, uh, uh —
Al Franken: I heard meteorologist! I heard meteorologist over here. Okay, we’ve got meteorologist, we’ve got a… a, uh, what — a doctor’s office. We’ll see you in ten seconds![ Franken and Davis turn around and quietly discuss their premise ]
Al Franken: Okay, okay — let’s do the gynecologist…
Tom Davis: We can’t do that.
Al Franken: No?
Tom Davis: No, we need a girl to do that!
Al Franken: Oh, that’s right. Okay, okay…
Tom Davis: Maybe we could do a Canadian..?
Al Franken: No, no, they might be watching…[ they shake their heads, then finally turn around to face the audience ]
Al Franken: Uh, we — we’re sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we — we couldn’t think of anything. Maybe you should just, uh — some more suggestions. Just anything.
Al Franken: World War III? World War III.
Tom Davis: World War III. [ thinking ] Okay, how about a newscast, on the night of the day of World War III?
Al Franken: Yeah, we’ll “improvise” it! [ he gives a sly wink to Davis ] Okay![ Davis turns around to prepare for his character, as Franken addresses the camera ]
Al Franken: Tragedy! Death! Catastrophe! Highlights tonight’s news, after this message!
Tom Davis: [ turns around ] Tonight’s news is brought to you by the makers of Jim Crow Rice. Remember: every grain is separate but equal, and “Mmm” so good! [ turns back around ]
Al Franken: Good evening, this is Ronald Brooks, substituting for the deceased… Ray Thompson! Yes, today it happened: World War III. According to White House sources, the War was initiated… by mistake. President Carter said, “Gee, I’m sorry… I’m awfulyl sorry.” And with 80% of the bombs in, WOMB computer analyses shows that the United States has won the War! Yes, according to our ocmputers, only 85 million Americans will have died, as compared to over 155 million Russians, and a whopping 575 million… Chinese! And now, with the Weather, our own Bill Cory. Bill!
Tom Davis: [ turns around ] Well, hi! Temperatures up to 8,000 degrees in New York tonight… cooling off tomorrow to an uninhabitable 450 degrees, so if you’re still planning a weekend outing, you’d better wear an asbestos suit! [ motions his arm ] Well, the polar ice caps have melted, and both the East and the West Coast should be consumed by tidal waves tomorrow. So if there are any surfers on Long Island, you should expect swells of up to 800 feet. Well, that’s the weather outlook for today. Ronald?
Al Franken: Why, thanks, Bill! The Stock Market closed today — for good! And now, with Sports, our own Barney Johnson. Barn!
Tom Davis: Thank you, Ronald. Good evening, sports fans. Bobby Orr fried today at his home in Toronto. Well, the entire New York Yankees baseball team perished in a firestorm during practice at their Fort Lauderdale Spring training camp — bad news for you season ticket holders. That’s the Sports scene for tonight. Ronald?
Al Franken: Why, thanks, Barn! And that’s the way the world was! And this is Ronald Brooks —
Tom Davis: And Barney Johnson!
Al Franken: Saying that this is Ronald Brooks —
Tom Davis: And Barney Johnson.
Al Franken: Saying… good night.
Tom Davis: Good night!
Al Franken: Thank you.[ fade ]