Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 15
(Open on: Bedroom set with one pink wall, one happy face wallpaper wall, a pussycat clock, a “Hang in there, Baby” poster with a kitten, some Keane prints, lots of stuffed animals with the accent on pink poodles, cute dollies like Raggedy Ann, Mr. Peanut, or Snoopy, Ice cream soda candles, red and white dooted Swiss curtains, music box, bubble gum, or Disney character lamp, etc)
(Muffy and Bootsie are in room. Bootsie is wearing Dr. Dentons with animal feet, two ponytails with bows. She is bouncing on the bed, hugging her teddy bear purse. Muffy is wearing a very short school tunic and knee socks and is spanking her doll)
Muffy: Bad dolly!…Bad dolly!
Bootsie: Don’t hurt dolly! She’s so cute!
Muffy: Bad dolly made wee-wee all over her pretty dress! (she throws doll down)
Bootsie: (she jumps up and down on her bed twice) Bootsie has to make tinkle in pee-pee potty!
(Binky jumps into the room, holding her knees together. She is dressed as Shirley Temple)
Binky: Hello Muffy! Hello, Bootsie! Binky needs to go to the ‘ittle girl’s room ever-so-badly!
(Jane, wearing a white lab coat, hair pulled back, and glasses, steps into frame)
Spokeswoman: What do these three extremely obnoxious grown women have in common? They are all victims of Gidget’s Disease. In other words, they are terminally cute…too cute for thier own good. Let’s take a closer look…
(cut back to the “little girls”)
Muffy: (sings, mimicking action) “I’m a wittle teapot, short and stout, Here is my handle, here is is my— (breaks off song, realizing that she has made two handles with her crooked arms, instead of one handle and one spout)—“handle”? Oh, no, I’m a Sugar Bowl!
Binky: (plays Shirley Temple scene with Mr. Peanut doll) Please, judge–don’t send Gramps to jail…(shaking finger)…or I’ll be ever-so-cross with you! (getting an idea) I know! We’re show folk! We’ll put on a show for you! We got costumes in the barn and my dad knows music!
Bootsie: (talking to her foot) Mr Animal Slipper….Look who’s come to visit, Mr. Animal Slipper. It’s Mr Teddy Bear Purse! (slipper and purse “talk” to each other) “Hello, Mr Teddy Bear Purse, how are you today?” “Just fine, Mr. Animal Slipper. I have Goody Yum-Yums in my tummy” “Num num!” (feeds cookie from purse to slipper)
(cut back to Spokeswoman)
Spokeswoman: Really enough to make you puke your guts out. But there is help for these women. They and others like them can be cured by being forced to undergo pointless root canal work in what we like to call the Dental Theater of Cruelty. I know, because I was one of them. But I was lucky. These women might not be so lucky…(turns and looks mournfully back at “the girls”, who are all “cuted” out of control)
Spokeswoman: (slams fist into the palm of her hand, as though she would like to do it to them) We need your help. Send your dollars to:
GIDGET GOES TO SHOCK THERAPY
BUFFALO, NEW YORK
Submitted by: Shawn