SNL Transcripts: Sissy Spacek: 03/12/77: How Your Children Grow



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15



76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

How Your Children Grow

… Jane Curtin
Dr. Ross … Bill Murray

[Soothing music of strings and woodwinds accompanies agraphic that reads: HOW YOUR CHILDREN GROW. Dissolveto the set of a talk show where Jane Curtin addressesthe camera.]

Jane Curtin: Good evening and welcome to “How YourChildren Grow.” I’m Jane Curtin and my guest tonightis one of America’s foremost authorities on learningdisabilities, Dr. Alan Ross. [Pull back to reveal Dr.Ross seated beside Jane] For those of you who are notfamiliar with Dr. Ross’ work, he has just been awardeda seven million dollar grant with which he will openthe Ross Foundation in Rochester, Minnesota. Isn’tthat true, Doctor?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: In doing my own research on what you do,sir, I learned that many people who work with childrenpossessing learning difficulties at one time had sucha condition.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: I guess that would make one moreempathetic to the plights of such a child.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: And I imagine that it doesn’t matter howbig you are in your field, no one’s immune, as Idiscovered that you yourself, Dr. Ross, had, as achild, a severe learning disability.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: And I guess we can speak about it. Itcertainly is nothing to be ashamed of. Your problemwas called quintlexia.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: For those of you who are not familiarwith the term “quintlexia,” it comes from the prefix”quint” meaning “five” — and “lexia” from the Greekroot “lexus” which means “words.” Therefore, anyonewho is afflicted with quintlexia has the ability tospeak only five words. Did I describe it correctly?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Now, as I understand it then, as a child,you only knew five words.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Which words were they?

Dr. Ross: That’s, True, You’re, Absolutely, Right.

Jane Curtin: I get the impression that you still havethis condition.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Now, let me get this straight. You wentto Harvard undergraduate, got your Ph.D fromDartmouth, you’ve been given a seven million dollargrant to build a foundation, and have been teachingchildren for close to eleven years. And your entirevocabulary consists of five words.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. [chuckles] You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: It is truly amazing that you have overcome such a handicap and have accomplished so much.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: I guess it just goes to show what a landof opportunity America really is.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: You sleep in a wedding gown, don’t you?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Is it true that you’re wearing underwearmarked “January”?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Oh ho ho, we could go on like this all night!

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Oh, shut the hell up! Thank you forjoining us and I urge all of you concerned parents toread Dr. Ross’ new book [holds up the book to thecamera] — “That’s True – You’re Absolutely Right.”It’s fascinating reading.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Good night.

[Dissolve back to the opening graphic and the soothing music.]

[TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: On his second line, Bill Murrayactually flubs and says, “That’s true. You’reabsolutely right about th–” but since that prettymuch ruins the sketch, we’ve decided to pretend thatthe error never occurred. Also, Sinead O’Connor neverripped up that photo of the Pope. You just imaginedit. Thank you.]

Submitted Anonymously

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