Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 16
76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters
Julie Nixon…..Laraine Newman
President Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
J. Edgar Hoover…..Broderick Crawford
Guard #1…..Bill Murray
Guard #2…..Garrett Morris
[FADE IN on a dimly lit bedroom where a man is asleep in bed. A lone trombone plays in the background. ROLL narration up the screen.]
Don Pardo: In June of 1970, Richard Nixon attempted to establish a secret police force under the now infamous Huston Plan. The plan called for the formation of a “new, dynamic” domestic security group authorized to wiretap, commit burglary, and violate other laws.[dramatic pause]
Don Pardo: The bedroom of J. Edgar Hoover, June 27, 1970.[ZOOM IN on the right hand window. Two figures approach from outside and carefully pull the vertical sills open. Nixon is wearing a trenchcoat, with his daughter Julie next to him in a blue sweater. Crickets chirp softly as they peer in.]
Julie Nixon: He sure is gonna be surprised, Daddy.
Richard Nixon: [warbling] Well, this ought to show him. Richard Nixon wouldn’t ask anybody to do anything he wouldn’t do himself.[He wags his finger inside a loose rubber glove.]
Julie Nixon: You mean you’d lead a night patrol on the Viet Cong?
Richard Nixon: I’m not stupid, princess![Julie starts to crawl inside.]
Richard Nixon: Wait, wait, you can’t go in there.
Julie Nixon: Why?
Richard Nixon: Well, Julie, he… he doesn’t understand women. You wait here until I’m finished.
Richard Nixon: [standing with hands up] Wait! Don’t shoot!
J. Edgar Hoover: Don’t shoot, don’t shoot, it’s the President!
Guard #1: [doubtfully] Yes, sir.
Guard #2: Yes, sir.
J. Edgar Hoover: [as the aides leave] What’s the meaning of this, Nixon? How’d you get through our security?
Richard Nixon: I told them I was the President. Now, look, J. Edgar… [He steps over and sits next to him on the bed.] I’ve got a new plan for that special intelligence group we’ve been needing at the White House.
J. Edgar Hoover: [puts pistol away] Well, I’ve got another plan. It’s three o’clock in the morning–now, why the hell don’t you go home, take a fistful of Valium, and get some sleep?[laughter]
Richard Nixon: You think I’d come here if this wasn’t important? We’re public servants, we’re on call 24 hours a day!
J. Edgar Hoover: All right, all right, I’ll think about it! All right, stand up! [takes his arm] Now, turn around, turn around. But don’t peek! I’m gonna put my robe on.[Hoover gathers his blue robe off the foot of the bed as Nixon steps away.]
Richard Nixon: [peeking] Now, this, this is a real different plan. Not like the Colson plan or the MacGruder plan. This is a scale way down. For instance, get this idea: we don’t randomly spy on people anymore, we just spy on people whom we have a reason to spy on! Great, huh?[Nixon grins and mugs toward the audience, which laughs as Hoover finishes belting his robe.]
J. Edgar Hoover: What agencies are involved?
Richard Nixon: Well… the CIA taps the phones, and, uh, reads the mail and letters of, like, foreign agents, including Americans who have gone overseas.
J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, like Daniel Ellsburg, Jane Fonda?
Richard Nixon: Yeah. Ted Kennedy, Joe Namath…
J. Edgar Hoover: But what about my boys?
Richard Nixon: Well, the FBI does domestic surveillance. Y’know, left-wingers who might sympathize with a violent Communist revolution.
J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, Abbie Hoffman, Huey Newton, the Black Panthers?
Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy, Shirley Maclaine…
J. Edgar Hoover: Okay, okay, okay.
Richard Nixon: Now get this: the White House will have a special unit. The only job they have is to plug leaks. Guess what they’re called?
J. Edgar Hoover: The Plumbers.
Richard Nixon: [looks at him askance] Yeah. The Plumbers. How did you know? I guess it leaked out already.
J. Edgar Hoover: Look, if we get caught, who takes the rap for it?
Richard Nixon: Oh, I dunno, some patsy. Mitchell, for example.
J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, no. I’m not goin’ along with it. I’m not goin’ along with any illegal plan unless you give me written consent to break the law.
Richard Nixon: Gee. I sure wish I could do that, but I can’t. That’d be sure grounds for impeachment. I may not be fast on my feet, but I’m not dumb enough to get myself thrown out of office! Huh! It would take a real idiot to do that![laughter and applause]
J. Edgar Hoover: All right, Nixon. Nixon, I can’t go along with ye.
Richard Nixon: Well, I didn’t want to do this, J. Edgar, but I’m afraid you’ve forced my hand. The White House has proof that you’re a virgin! [faces him dramatically]
J. Edgar Hoover: You’re bluffing, Nixon.
Richard Nixon: I am?
J. Edgar Hoover: There is no definitive test for determining a man’s virginity.
Richard Nixon: What the hell was Liddy talking about, then? [scratches his head]
J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, you’re really an idiot, Nixon.[laughter]
J. Edgar Hoover: Blackmailing me is like trying to bribe Howard Hughes! Hey, hey. Do you remember that Chinese broad you brought into Washington?
Richard Nixon: [shocked] Soon-Ling?
J. Edgar Hoover: Yeah.[Hoover walks over to his nightstand and picks up a cassette recorder.]
J. Edgar Hoover: Listen. [presses button]
Nixon’s Voice: [on tape] Soon-Ling!
Soon-Ling: [in Chinese accent] Meester Pwesident!
Nixon’s Voice: Soon-Ling!
Soon-Ling: Oh, Meester Pwesident!
Nixon’s Voice: Ohhhhh, Soon-Ling…
Soon-Ling: Meester Pwesident…
J. Edgar Hoover: [stops tape] The meeting’s over, Nixon. Get lost, huh?[He pushes Nixon away as the audience laughs.]
Richard Nixon: [turns back] Can I have that tape?
J. Edgar Hoover: No way, buster.
Richard Nixon: How about a copy?
J. Edgar Hoover: No chance.[Hoover tosses the cassette recorder across the bed onto the floor. Sudden screams and pounding sounds are heard from the window.]
Richard Nixon: What the heck’s going on here?[PAN to the window as Hoover’s guards are dragging Julie Nixon into the bedroom.]
Guard #2: Mr. Hoover? We caught her sneaking around in the bushes.
Julie Nixon: Let go of me!! Let go of me!!
Richard Nixon: Julie!
Julie Nixon: Have them killed, Daddy!!
Richard Nixon: I can’t, princess, they’re G-men!
J. Edgar Hoover: All right, boys, you go ahead to the steam room–I’ll meet you there in about a half hour.[laughter]
Guard #1: Yes, sir!
Guard #2: Yes, sir![Audience continues to giggle as the guards exit and Julie pops back out through the window.]
Richard Nixon: [walks toward window] Well, princess, let’s call it a night!
J. Edgar Hoover: Wait a minute, Nixon, Nixon! Come here! Come here! [He points to the floor as Nixon obeys.] Let me look at you. [peers at him] You know somethin’? If you parted your hair on the other side, you’d be a pretty nice-lookin’ fella.
Richard Nixon: You really think so, J. Edgar? [touches his own hair]
J. Edgar Hoover: [nodding] Yeah.
Richard Nixon: Well, I’ll think about it. [walks toward window] I’ll see you next week, Hoover![Nixon beats it as the audience breaks into applause and the trombone plays again. Without taking off his robe, Hoover crawls back into bed, reaches down behind it, and pulls up a teddy bear. He cuddles it and settles back into the pillows. CUT to a wider shot of 8H and ZOOM OUT from the stage over the audience. SUPERIMPOSE, “COMING UP NEXT… HOW TO SWALLOW LYING DOWN.” FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean