SNL Transcripts: Broderick Crawford: 03/19/77: Lucy’s New Job

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Lucy’s New Job

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Lucy…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Witherbottom…..Dan Aykroyd

[ Mr. Witherbottom enters the conveyor room of the nuclear power plant, with Lucy Ricardo right behind him ]

Mr. Witherbottom: Well, Mrs. Ricardo, this is your first day on the job. Don’t make any mistakes.

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: This is a conveyor belt.

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: I’m now going to pull the lever that starts the conveyor belt. [ pulls the lever ]

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: Now, this, Mrs. Ricardo, is a nuclear warhead. Your job is to take a can of whipped cream, spray the nuclear warhead like so.. [ demonstrates ] ..put a cherry on the top of the nuclear warhead, and place it on the top of this shelf like so. Do you understand so far?

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: Now, if, for any reason, you want to stop the conveyor belt, simply pull this lever down into the off position. [ pulls lever down ]

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: And one more thing: these nuclear warheads are amred and very dangerous. So don’t let any of them hit the floor. Is that clear?

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: Alright, then, get to work, I’ll check back in a few hours to see how you are doing. [ exits ]

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom. Thank you, Mr. Witherbottom. Goodbye Mr. Wither..bottom.

[ Lucy pulls the lever up, then sprays whipped cream and puts cherries on her first nuclear warhead. The operation goes smoothly at first, but soon the nuclear warheads are coming out faster and more numerous. Lucy attempts to spray multiple warheads at once, but they keep coming down the conveyor belt faster than she can prepare them for the shelf, so she proceeds to push some back as she collects an armful of the others. As the operation becomes more and more intense, Mr. Witherbottom re-enters unseen. ]

Mr. Witherbottom: Well, Mrs. Ricardo?

[ caught by surprise, Lucy screams and throws an armful of nuclear warheads into the air ]

[ cut to stock footage of A-bomb exploding in the sky ]

[ cut back to Lucy and Mr. Witherbottom standing in the smoking conveyor room, their hair and clothing frazzled from the explosion ]

Lucy: What do we do now, Mr. Witherbottom?

Mr. Witherbottom: Now we get some canned goods and we go live in the basement for 10 or 15 years.

Lucy: Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! [ a beat ] Mr. Witherbottom? Does that mean I’m fired?

Mr. Witherbottom: No, Mrs. Ricardo. Anybody can make a mistake.

[ long shot, in color, pull out to reveal SUPER: “Coming up Next… Win A Date With Charles Manson” ]

[ fade ]

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