Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 16
Broderick Crawford’s Monologue
… Broderick Crawford
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, BroderickCrawford![The elderly, overweight, balding, avuncular, andbeloved character actor walks to a comfortable chairat Home Base and sits.]
Broderick Crawford: Well, thank you, thank youvery much. As a very old and dear and rather rotundfriend like myself used to say, “How sweet it is!” …You know, it’s been a long time since I been back inthis studio. Thirty-seven years, to be exact. That wasback in the days of radio. Some great radio shows cameout of here. And when television came in, greattelevision, great music.
I worked for NBC thirty-seven years ago. I was workingon a play over on Broadway, the Music Box Theater,Forty-Fifth Street. And, in those days, you didn’t getvery much bread – you kind o’ had to work for theminimum. And so we supplemented our income by doin’ alot o’ radio. And I had small part in a radio serieshere. And, one day, after the matinee, I came out ofthe Music Box Theater and I had to be here at NBC butI couldn’t find a taxi. So I started to run. So I hadmy script in my hand and I ran like mad. I flewthrough Security down– They didn’t know what I was. Ijust went right by them. Then I came up to the thirdfloor and I went into 3-B. I didn’t notice the lightwas on, saying “On the Air.” I had my script in myhand and I waved it to the producer in the controlroom and pointed to it. He came out and said to me,”Wrong studio. [points] You’re two down the hall.” …
So, out I go again. I saw the light, “On the Air.”Well, I walked in, script in my hand and pointed. Andjust as I was waving to the producer to come out, Iheard somebody reading my lines. So there was nothingI could do but sit down and wait until the show wasover. Well, I waited. The producer came out. I didn’tlike the look on his face but he came out. And Istarted to say, “I’m sorr–” And he said, “You’refired.” Well, that’s a pretty terrible feeling. Butnow I’m very happy that, after forty years, NBC isgiving me another chance. … [applause]
And, please, cross your fingers and hope I don’t blowit this time. … Well, all right, I tell you what I’mgonna do. I’m gonna sit back and enjoy the show. Andwhy don’t you do that, too? All of us, justenjoy.