Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 16
The New Guy
Written by: Bill Murray & Lorne Michaels
… Bill Murray
[Fade in on recently-hired cast member Bill Murray whosits at a desk, addressing the camera.]
Bill Murray: Hello, I’m Bill Murray. You cancall me “Billy” but, around here, everybody just callsme “The New Guy.” I want to thank the producer, LorneMichaels, for urging me to speak with you directly.You see, I’m a little bit concerned. I don’t think I’mmaking it on the show. … I’m a funny guy but Ihaven’t been so funny on the show. My friends say,”How come they’re givin’ you all those parts thataren’t funny?” Well, it’s not the material. It’s me….
It’s not that I’m not funny, it’s that I’m not beingfunny at the right time. Honest. Uh, before, you know,I could be funny whenever I wanted but now, as aprofessional, I have to learn to pick my spots, youknow? This morning, I picked up my laundry. The guysays to me, “Bill, you know, every time you come inhere, you say something funny. But I saw you on theshow Saturday night and you stunk.” … Well, thathurt, you know? Just totally destroyed my confidence.
Last Friday, I went to a party with Danny. There was apretty girl there I wanted to impress and, uh, I’m aparty animal. I was very funny. Danny saidnothing. He was saving it. She said to me, “You’re sofunny! I wish I had a tape recorder.” Well, I wish shehad, too, you know? Saturday night, after the show,when she went home with Dan, I could’ve played thetape back for her. …
Now, what I’m asking for is your support. I’ve gottensome nice letters from old friends and people I owemoney to. … But, from you people, I hear nothing.I’m not asking for letters but — I know this soundscorny — support. [slight pause] I’m a Catholic. …[applause] I’m one of nine children. [rattles off thenames rapidly] Ed, Brian, Nancy, Peggy, Laura, Andy,John and Joel. I can say that faster but I wanted themall to hear their names. I was raised in Wilmette,Illinois, a small mining town, north of Chicago– Thatreminds me of something funny. … My father died whenI was seventeen. … No, that’s not what was funny…. He was funny. People always said to me,”Aw, you’ll never grow up to be as funny as your dad.”And, now, he’s not around to see me be not as funny ashim. … My sister Nancy is a nun. My mom works tosupport the family. But that’s all beside the point.It’s no concern of yours whether or not theyneed the money I make. …
What I’m talking about is between you and me. If youcould see it in your heart to laugh whenever I saysomething. I don’t care what it is. Or, if youcan’t laugh, think about my family … and the fatherthat I never really got to know. … If I know you’reon my side, I’ll make you laugh so hard, you’ll haveto hold your sides to keep from pulling a muscle – ortearing a cartilage. It’s up to you. Yeah, you. Now, Idon’t want letters. I just want to make it as a NotReady For Prime Time Player. When that’s done, I’ll beable to stand here on a Saturday night, in the middleof Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, New York,one-oh-oh-two-oh … and say, [looking heavenward]”Dad? I did it.” [to the camera, with a smile] He’dlike that.[Applause. Bill salutes us as we pull back a littleand fade out.]