Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 16
Officer 1…..Dan Aykroyd
Captain Matthews…..Broderick Crawford
Jack Kerouac…..John Belushi
Officer 2…..Garrett Morris
Siamese Twin 1…..Laraine Newman
Siamese Twin 2…..Jane Curtin
Father Tim…..Bill Murray
Father Roy…..John Belushi
Officer 3’s Voice…..Tom Davis
[ open on stock footage of “Highway Patrol” ]
Announcer: Whenever the laws of any state are broken, a duly authorized organization swings into action. They may be called the State Police, State Troopers, Militia, the Rangers, the Pigs, the Heat, the Klingons… or the Highway Patrol. These are the stories of the men whose training, skill, courage and equipment make for excellent TV entertainment.[ dissolve to police station, as Officer 1 enters ]
Officer 1: Captain Matthews? I pulled a car full of drunks over near Malibu.
Captain Matthews: So where are they?
Officer 1: Well, we locked all of them up, uhhh — but the driver. None of them have any identification.
Captain Matthews: Alright, then bring in the driver!
Officer 1: Okay. [ pokes his head out the door ] Come on in here, willya? [ the punk enters ] Sit down there, punk! Sit down, sit down, sit down![ the punk sits before Captain Matthews ]
Captain Matthews: What’s your name, kid?
Jack Kerouac: I have constitutional rights. I’m not obliged to answer that question.
Captain Matthews: Now, look, don’t make trouble for yourself! You want to get straightened out, alright I’ll give you a break — but right now you’re facing three months in the slammer for drunk driving! Now what the hell’s your name?!
Jack Kerouac: Jack Kerouac.[ music sting ]
Captain Matthews: Tell me — who was in the car with you?
Jack Kerouac: Neil Cassidy, Lawrence Ferlinghetti —
Captain Matthews: Kerouac? Now, wait a minute — Kerouac, Kerouac… Hey, I think I read that book you wrote!
Jack Kerouac: “On The Road”?
Captain Matthews: Yeah, “On The Road”! You know, that book makes you out a very unsafe driver, kid.
Jack Kerouac: It’s not me, man — it’s the American Highway! “Where goest thou, America? Where goest thou in my shiny black car in the night..?”
Captain Matthews: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa — hold it! [ to Officer 1 ] Lock this guy up and let him sleep it off![ Officer 1 pulls Kerouac to his feet ]
Captain Matthews: Hey, wait a minute — Kerouac. You know, you write pretty good prose?
Jack Kerouac: [ smiles ] Thanks a lot!
Captain Matthews: [ annoyed ] Oh, take him the hell out of here!
Officer 1: Come on, let’s go…[ as Aykroyd pulls Belushi out of the scene, he accidentally knocks a fire extinguisher off the wall ]
Officer 2’s Voice: 2125, to 2150.
Officer 1: Sorry, Captain.
Captain Matthews: Ah, that’s all right — pick it up!
Officer 1: Yes, sir.
Officer 2’s Voice: 2125! 2125, to 2150.
Captain Matthews: 2150 — bye!
Officer 2’s Voice: Trouble at the Pink —
Captain Matthews: Hey, what’s up!
Officer 2’s Voice: Hotel.
Captain Matthews: Uh, what’s up?
Officer 2’s Voice: A girl is holding her Siamese twin hostage. She’s got a gun.[ music sting ]
Captain Matthews: Well, keep her talking ’til I get there, willya? [ to Officer 1 ] Alright, come on, let’s move. [ Officer 1 remains still ] Come on, move, move, move!![ they run out of the precinct ] [ cut to stock footage of rapid movement between scenes ] [ Captain Matthews and Officer 1 arrive at the exterior scene and approach Officer 2 ]
Captain Matthews: Alright, what are their demands?
Officer 2: Demands?
Captain Matthews: Why is she holding her sister hostage?
Officer 2: Gee, uh, I didn’t think to ask. I’ve just been telling her that, you know, everything’s gonna be alright…
Captain Matthews: What’s her name?
Officer 2: Name? Uh, I didn’t think to ask her that, either!
Captain Matthews: [ grabs his bullhorn ] Gimme that thing, willya?! [ into bullhorn ] This is Captain Matthews of the Highway Patrol — why are you holding your sister hostage?[ cut to open window view of one Siamese twin holding a gun to the other’s head ]
Siamese Twin 1: I’m — I’m calling the world’s attention to the plight of repressed Siamese twins everywhere! I have two demands! If they’re not met, I’ll KILL my sister!!
Siamese Twin 2: Listen to her, she’s serious!!
Captain Matthews: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute! If you kill your sister, YOU’RE gonna die, too!
Siamese Twin 1: You got the picture, flatfoot! We’re talking murder-suicide here!
Siamese Twin 2: She doesn’t care! She’s crazy!
Siamese Twin 1: Shut up!!
Captain Matthews: Now, what are your demands?
Siamese Twin 1: Demand #1: I want a job that isn’t in any way connected with the circus! And #2: I want my sister and I considered as one person when we go to buy airline tickets!
Officer 1: Captain Matthews, uh — two priests from the parish are here. They want a chance to talk her down. [ the Siamese priests enter ] Captain Matthews, this is Father Tim and Father Roy, the siamese priests.
Captain Matthews: How are you, Fathers?
Father Tim: [ in thick Irish accent ] Hello, Captain Matthews. We thought maybe we could bring the Lord’s help.
Father Roy: [ also in thick Irish accent ] Give the girl half a chance… and she’ll give ME the gun!
Father Tim: That is, if she’s right-handed. If she’s left-handed, she’ll be handing ME the gun!
Father Roy: She’ll hand ME the gun! It was MY idea, I said it FIRST!
Father Tim: Yes, but I thought of it first! I had a —[ they begin to argue about who gets to be handed the gun, until Captain Matthews intercdedes ]
Captain Matthews: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Please, Fathers! Will you go and see what you can do about it?
Father Tim: Yes!
Father Roy: Alright, we shall![ the Fathers and a couple of officers step toward the building ]
Siamese Twin 1: Hey, what goes on here?! I didn’t ask for mo lousy priests! What are they trying to pull on me![ the two Fathers enter the room ]
Together: Don’t shoot!! We’re Siamese priests!!
Siamese Twin 1: This is none of your business!
Father Roy: Ohh, child, if you know half as much as we know about God’s plan, you wouldn’t be saying that right now.
Siamese Twin 1: You mean, a quarter as much.
Father Roy: Well, alright.
Father Tim: That’s a point well taken. Okay, child — [ extends his hand ] Give… me… the gun.
Siamese Twin 1: One more step closer, and I’ll SHOOT! I swear!
Father Roy: Alright. Then, give ME the gun!
Siamese Twin 2: Oh, she’s so depressed, she doesn’t care if she lives or dies! But I do!! You’ve GOT to meet her demands!
Father Tim: [ as he and Father Roy motion with their hands ] Well, I can’t do that… but I can do this: I will talk to the judge and see if I can get him to drop the kidnapping charges. Now… give… me… the gun.
Siamese Twin 1: I’ll shoot! I’ll…
Father Roy: Give ME the gun, then! Will you please, child, give me the gun?[ she slowly hands it over; Father Roy seizes it quickly ]
Father Roy: Ah!! [ singing ] I got the gun, I got the gun!
Father Tim: Aw, you two owe your necks to the Highway Patrol.
Father Roy: Officer! [ Officer 3 runs in ] You won’t be having any more trouble with these girls.[ Father Roy hands Officer 3 the gun as he handcuffs the Siamese twins and drags them away ]
Siamese Twin 2: Thank you, you’re wonderful!
Father Tim: God be with you.
Father Roy: Well, I knew she’d give me the gun…
Father Tim: [ angry ] You ALWAYS get the gun! It bothers me!
Father Roy: Well, you always get to shake hands. You’re right-handed…[ cut to stock footage of rapid movement between scenes ] [ Captain Matthews and Officer 1 return to the station ]
Captain Matthews: Oh, that was a tough one.
Officer 1: Yeah. Those Siamese twins, they always give us trouble, you know?
Captain Matthews: Yeah, I know.
Officer 3’s Voice: 2150! 2150!
Captain Matthews: 2150 — bye!
Officer 3’s Voice: Got a bad accident out here on Coast Highway!
Captain Matthews: Well, what happened?
Officer 3’s Voice: Hot rodder in a blue Porsche — he rolled it!
Captain Matthews: Well, is he critical?
Officer 3’s Voice: He bit it! License identifies him as James Dean, of Los Angeles.
Captain Matthews: James Dean? James Dean! [ to Officer 1 ] You know, he was a hell of a good actor?
Officer 1: Yeah, he was… but he didn’t take our defensive driving course.
Captain Matthews: Yeah, that’s too bad.
Officer 3’s Voice: 2130! 10-A-10-17 on a 10-99 and out!
Captain Matthews: 10-4.[ music sting ] [ fade to black ] [ fade back onto Captain Matthews ]
Captain Matthews: Well, that’s it. Be sure to watch the Highway Patrol in action next week. Until that, remember: when you drive… use a car.[ dissolve to card: “This program is dedicated to the Highway Patrols throughout the nation and their contribution to the safeguarding of public welfare. We are deeply grateful for the technical advice and assistance which made the authentic production of this program possible.” ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Didn’t Applaud For Tinker Bell” ‘