Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 16
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Good evening! [ a beat ] I’m wearing… black mesh stockings… and studded leather boots with eight-inch spiked heels… and a garter belt…[ Jane looks offscreen with admiration as a male audience member whistles at her descriptions ]
Of course, you’ve all seen my bra… [ she leans in ] but let’s talk about my panties for one second: they’re mesh — black mesh string bikini. I love them. You would, too. I wish I had them on right now! They’re in my laundry basket — at home. Therefore… under this suit… [ she hesitates ] You get the picture…
Our top story tonight: 19-month old Jason Carter, grandson of the President, was busted today by Washington police, locked up and charged with leaking classified materials on the White House front lawn. Young Carter faces up to twenty years of toilet-training at a federal institution.
First-Lady Rosalyn Carter, last Friday, formally unveiled the new official portrait of the President’s painting, on commission by artist Villam Cacouna.
And, in a heartwarming gesture of show buisness, comedian Bob Hope has donated his brain to Lucille Ball. Posing for this picture, just after the transplant operation, Lucy said, “I feel much funnier already!” Mr. Hope said nothing.
Jane Curtin: And now, “Weekend Update” reporter Garrett Morris reports on the Black Governors Conference, being held in the Americana Hotel in New York. Come in, Garrett.[ cut to Garrett standing in front of an empty conference hall ]
Garrett Morris: This is the second day of the third annual Black Governors Conference. The expected showdown between the conservatives and liberal Black governors has NOT materialized because of the fact that, for the third year in a row, no one has shown up. Now, I’m told that this is due to the fact that there are no Black governors… in… the United States.[ Garrett shifts his eyes, thinking ]
You couldn’t find a Black governor in the United States if my LIFE depended on it! I mean — I mean, I thought this was Laraine Newman’s thing. You know, uh, Jane? Showing up where nothing’s happening? Just because I’m Black, you know, doesn’t mean you can pull that stuff on me, too! You know, I’ve got friends! I’ll get Alex Haley… to cancel your roots! Honky!
This is Garrett Morris, at the Americana Hotel. Signing off.[ cut back to Jane, smiling ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Garrett! We all wondered when you’d catch on to our little joke! Have fun next week, when we send you to the conference on Black Popes!
Sources in Hollywood say that film director Roman Polanski has announced he’s quitting the movie business and will open a babysitting service.
In a surprise move this week, Idi Amin has stepped down as President of Uganda to fulfill a dream he’s had since childhood. That is, become a member of the Harlem Globetrotters.
[ Harlem Globetrotters theme music plays over still footage of Amin at a basketball court ]More on Meadowlark Amin as the season progresses.
Well, the movie “Earthquake” opened in Malaysia this week. Unfortunately, a careless projectionist turned up the SensaRound a bit too much, killing thousands and leaving untold millions homeless.
Still to come: beekeepers hold Black man hostage, after this message.[ cut to repeat of “Puppy Uppers / Doggie Downers” ] [ return to Jane at the newsdesk ]
Jane Curtin: This just in: [ speedily ] In Brooklyn, a man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, says, “Doctor, Doctor! No one will talk to me!” The doctor says, “Next?” [ she chuckles heartily ] God, that new writer is just terrific!
And now, because of St. Patrick’s Day, Mr. John Belushi is here to discuss the luck of the Irish.
John Belushi: Thank you, thank you very much. Well it’s come that time again, St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone and well the sons of Ireland are basking in the glow. When I think of Ireland I think a lot of colorful Irish expressions like, “Top of the morning to ya,” “Kiss the barney stone,” “May the road rise to meet ya,” “May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead,” “I’d like to smash you in the face with my shalalee,” “Danny-boy,” “Bhagora,” “Wail of the banshee,” and “Whiskey for the leprechauns, whisky for the leprechauns.” But the expression I think most people identify with the Irish, is, of course, the luck of the Irish.
The luck of the Irish. Sure. Let’s say you’re in a pub somewhere in Ireland, oh, anywhere in Ireland, some guy comes up to you and says, “Hey is that a bomb on you I hear ticking?” And then BAM!!! Your small intestines are on the ceiling and your brains are on your car across the street. That’s the luck of the Irish for ya, who’s kidding who, okay?
Let’s talk about the bad luck of the Irish, all right? How about this, POTATO FAMINE!! How about that? It scares them, doesn’t it? Well it should. That’s why they came here in the first place. So they wouldn’t have to work in the potato fields. That’s why they became politicians, priests, and cops. Luck? Gimme a break.
I got a friend, his name is Dan Sullivan, he’s Irish as they come. We used to drink together a lot. After two drinks, he would look like an Irish pirate. You know? You think he had luck? In one day he got his car stolen, and the stupid, he had no insurance, and no license, and he gets locked up for being drunk. And after that, he takes off for someplace like India or Nepal, or someplace like that. And his mother dies, ya know, so they wire him to tell him to come to the funeral. It’s his mother’s funeral, that’s all. And he’s in India or Nepal, sitting squat-legged listening to some sacred cow. So he comes back and he gets stopped at U.S. Customs for trafficking illegal drugs, not holding, he’s trafficking. I mean, here’s this guy Sullivan, his old lady kicks off, he gets popped at the border and he’s sitting on fifty pounds of black Tibetan finger hash and two keys of slam. Now that’s not bad luck, that’s DUMB luck. I don’t think luck has anything to do with it, I don’t think he has any brains at all. First of all, he’s drunk, then he’s a junkie. I don’t know what’s worse. Don’t ask me, ask Sullivan. And what happens? He calls me up and says, “Hey man, I got busted at the border. I need five grand bail.” I said, I said, “Five grand man!? Hey man, I’ve never even seen five thousand dollars in my life, so don’t ask me for it, man, why don’t you ask your mother!!” Which was a dumb thing for me to say because his mother just died. Right now, I got this drunken Irish junkie who wants to kill me because of what I said about his mother being in terminal dreamland. Oh pal. One thing! One thing!!! They love their mothers, boy, oh they love their mothers. It’s momma this, momma that. Oh my Irish mother! Ireland must be heaven, because my mother.. aauugghhh! Aaauugghhh!!!
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.