SNL Transcripts: Broderick Crawford: 03/19/77: Goodbye Saccharine


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Goodbye Saccharine

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Cheryl Hardwick, Paul Shaffer

Rhonda Weiss … Gilda Radner
Rhondette #1 … Jane Curtin
Rhondette #2 … Laraine Newman
Rhondette #3 … Linda Ronstadt

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, SaturdayNight is proud to present Rhonda Weiss and theRhondettes!

[Music begins. Applause for Rhonda Weiss andRhondettes, a sixties-era girl group whose lead singeris Jewish-American Princess Rhonda Weiss who wears apink gown and holds a hand mike. The Rhondettes arethree backing vocalists who have identical blackhairstyles, wear black gowns and carry purses whilestanding in front of microphones at Home Base before aglittering curtain. The Rhondettes apply make-up andsing their backing vocals behind Rhonda:]

Rhonda: [sings]They say you gave rats cancer
And I say that can’t be true
Because you’re just so very sweet
That’s something you’d never do
I love you, I needed you
We had a fine relation
Till last week when it was ruined by the Food and DrugAdministration
[sings the refrain]And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron…

Rhondettes: … but, sugar …

Rhonda: … there’s no sugar substitute tosubstitute for saccharin!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Goodbye, sacc-ha-rine!

Rhondettes: Bye bye!

Rhonda: [spoken] Goodbye, saccharin! Uh!
[sings]When I had my first taste of you
And you stopped my teenage sobbin’s
By showing me there was a big, wide world
Outside of Baskin and Robbins

Rhondettes: [pull ice cream cones out ofpurses, lick them] Robbins!

[As the music continues, Rhonda and Rhondette #1 havea spoken interlude:]

Rhondette #1: So what did you weigh in college?

Rhonda: I went up and down.

Rhondette #1: Like, around what?

Rhonda: Between one-fifteen andone-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Closer to one-fifteen orone-twenty-five?

Rhonda: Between, like, one-twenty-three andone-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Like, around one-twenty-four?

Rhonda: [annoyed] Bitch!

[Cheers and applause distract Rhonda who forgets tosing the opening lines of the next verse but theomitted lyrics are shown here in brackets:]

Rhonda: [sings][We have been together ever since
You gave me my] first chance
To wear my clothes without imprintin’ in my skin
The elastic from my underpants

Rhondettes: [pull panties out of purses, wavethem] Underpants!

But they don’t care about the fact
That, since you’ve been around,
You’re the only reason I can zip my jeans
Without lyin’ down!

Rhondettes: [spoken] There’s nothin’ you cando!

Rhonda: [spoken] That’s not true!
Imagine: I step into my car,
Drive a little too fast to the market,
I’m panicked, it’s rainin’ real hard
And I can’t find a place to park it.
But, finally, exhausted, I race from the store. Itfeels really far.
And pile everything they have that contains artificialsweetener
In the front seat of my car.
Then I squeeze in and pull out,
Headin’ for the next food place.
Too bad I didn’t see the Good Humor truck
Comin’ straight at me before the case of Tab slidacross my face!

[Sound effects: tires squeal, automobilecrashes]

Rhondette #2: [spoken] Have ya got insurance?!Have ya got insurance?! Have ya gotinsurance?!

Rhonda: [spoken] Watch me die!

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]And the truth is, that’s what happened
Last Friday night at seven
[church bellstoll]

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]Now saccharin and I will be together forever
In low-calorie Heaven!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: You left a bad taste in mymouth!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: But you kept my seams frombusting!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Without you in my life …

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: … my body would be absolutelydisgusting!
[sings the refrain]And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron…

Rhondettes: … but, sugar …

Rhonda: … there’s no sugar substitute tosubstitute for saccharin!
[spoken]But I’ll be thin forever and maybe you should tryit
Just do what I’ve done and go on the Car Crashdiet!
Goodbye, Akron! Hello, saccharin!

[Song ends. Cheers and applause.]

Rhonda: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thankyou! And, now – and now, everybody, everybody, I’dlike to introduce the Rhondettes! Jane Curtin fromBoston! [cheers and applause] Laraine Newman fromL.A.! And, finally, Linda Ronstadt from the PlazaHotel! [louder cheers and applause] Thank you. And,now, ladies and gentlemen …

Rhonda and the Rhondettes: Live from New York,it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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