SNL Transcripts: Jack Burns: 03/26/77


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 17

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 26th, 1977

Jack Burns



Bob Van Ry

Anne Beatts

Mitchell Laurance

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Rosie Shuster

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel
John’s DemandsSummary: Having not been given the opportunity to open the show until now, John Belushi holds the sketch hostage and requests that a list of his demands be met before he says the opening line.



Jack Burns’ MonologueSummary: Jack Burns fulfills the desire to touch himself on national television.

The Farbers Meet The ConeheadsSummary: Larry (John Belushi) and Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) invite their new neighbors, The Coneheads, over for dinner.

Recurring Characters: Larry Farber, Bobbi Farber, Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.


Santana performs “Black Magic Woman”

Marine WeddingSummary: Marine Sergeant Wee Boyd (Dan Aykroyd) and his bride, Private Kathleen Lizetti (Jane Curtin), endure a military wedding service.


A Town Without PitySummary: Eliot Ness (Dan Aykroyd) is called in to take India from Indira Gandhi’s (Laraine Newman) hands, as is the will of the people

Recurring Characters: Indira Gandhi, Eliot Ness.

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin invites a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner to join her at the Weekend Update desk. Jane announces this year’s Oscar winners based on results stolen from the Price-Waterhouse accounting firm.


Leech-Tab 100Summary: A pharmicist (Dan Aykroyd) prescribes leeches as the old-fashioned headache remedy.

The Story Of The SquattersSummary: Early American crouchers settle the frontier for their clan.


Executive SuicideSummary: A sketch about a business executive (Jack Burns) who commits suicide is ruined when Jack Burns forgets to duck after jumping through the window.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.


Jack Burns is RockySummary: Jack Burns trains to be like “Rocky”, in a film by Gary Weis.

Ask Big DaddySummary: As a follow-up to “Ask President Carter”, Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) interviews Idi Amin (Garrett Morris), who is quiet about a recent massacre.

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Idi Amin.

MirageSummary: In a short film, a vending machine appears in the desert.

PantygramsSummary: Richardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) endorses the underwear message service.

Recurring Characters: Richardo Montalban.

Santana performs “Europa”

Drunk Comedy WriterSummary: Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin meet washed-up comedy writer Gags Beasley (Jack Burns) in a bar, and listen to some of his stale jokes.


SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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