SNL Transcripts: Jack Burns: 03/26/77: The Farbers Meet The Coneheads



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17









76q: Jack Burns / Santana

The Farbers Meet The Coneheads

Bobbi Farber … Gilda Radner
Larry Farber … John Belushi
Beldar Conehead … Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead … Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead … Laraine Newman

[The spacious living room of the Farbers, a middleclass Jewish-American couple with high-pitched, nasalvoices. Bobbi walks down the stairs to confront herhusband Larry.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry Farber!

Larry Farber: What?

Bobbi Farber: Did you use the guest towels? I mean, Ijust finished cleaning that bathroom. Our newneighbors will be over any minute.

Larry Farber: Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I’ll put out freshones.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, no, no, no, no. What time did theysay they were coming over?

Larry Farber: Gee, I talked to ’em on the phone. Itold ’em to come over for drinks about eight o’clock.

Bobbi Farber: Eight o’clock?

Larry Farber: Yeah.

Bobbi Farber: You better start the broiler or we won’thave dinner till ten. Now, how many are coming?

Larry Farber: Well, I told the whole family. Mr. andMrs. Cohen, uh, I believe, and, uh, their – theirteenage daughter.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, well, what are their first names?

Larry Farber: Gee, I forgot to ask.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, Larry, you shouldn’t– [doorbellrings] Oh, wait a minute. There they are.

Larry Farber: Okay.

[Bobbi goes to the front door and opens it to revealthe Coneheads, an extraterrestrial family from theplanet Remulak trying to fit unobtrusively into theAmerican suburbs. There are three of them: Beldar, thefather, Prymaat, the mother, and their teenageddaughter Connie. They wear ordinary American clothesbut with small silver capes tied around their necksand shoulders, speak with nasal robotic voices, andhave unnaturally large hairless heads shaped likecones.]

Beldar Conehead: Greetings!

[Cheers and applause. Weird alien music. SUPER: THEFARBERS MEET THE CONEHEADS]

Bobbi Farber: Oh, hi! Larry! It’s our new neighbors!Uh, I’m Bobbi Farber and this is my husband Larry.

Larry Farber: Hi! How are ya? You can just call me theFarb.

[The Farbers chuckle nasally as the Coneheads enter asa group and approach Larry.]

Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar. This is Prymaat andConnie. I trust we have arrived at the predesignatedtime coordinates.

Larry Farber: Well, actually, you’re a bit early butthat’s okay. Uh, look, come on in and sit down. Justdon’t put your feet on the furniture. That’s the onlyrule we have around here. Ha! Other than that, you cango crazy. [The Coneheads sit together on one sofaopposite the Farbers on another, a coffee tablebetween them] Uh, Cohen, Cohen. Is that spelled withan ‘H’?

Prymaat Conehead: Conehead. The name is Conehead.

Larry Farber: Conehead?

Connie Conehead: We come from France.

Bobbi Farber: Ohhhhh! Oh, France! Well, that explainseverything.

Larry Farber: So, uh, you think you’re gonna like yournew house?

Beldar Conehead: It will be more than adequateshelter.

Prymaat Conehead: It is also visually pleasing.

Bobbi Farber: Why was it glowing last night?

Larry Farber: Yeah, uh, well, say, how ’bout a drink?What do you say? Huh? How ’bout a drink?

Prymaat Conehead: Most certainly. We would enjoyconsuming mass quantities of any substance you have tooffer.

Connie Conehead: Yes. I dig liquids.

Bobbi Farber: [rising] Ah, well, come on… Come on,Prymaat. Come with me in the kitchen. I justremodeled.

[Prymaat rises and presses up against Bobbi – theConeheads have little understanding of “personalspace” – and the two women exit to the kitchen.]

Larry Farber: [watching them go] Very – veryattractive wife you have there. She’s quite a – quitea –

[Beldar puts an entire pack of cigarettes in his mouthand lights up with a flaming cigarette lighter.]

Larry Farber: Hey, uh, that’s another rule we’ve gothere…

[Beldar exhales smoke and lights up again.]

Larry Farber: Hey, uh, Beldar, that’s a – heh heh -that’s another rule we have around the Farberhousehold. No smoking. You know, it’s just somethingthat bothers me.

Beldar Conehead: I will comply. [puts out cigarettes]

Larry Farber: Thank you. I mean, uh, there’s nosmoking, no putting your feet on the table or — Imean, other than that, you can go nuts here.

Connie Conehead: [picks up a cube from the coffeetable] What is this cubicle object?

Larry Farber: Oh, oh, those are some pictures that,uh, we took on our trip to Disney World.

Beldar Conehead: Disney World?

Connie Conehead: Yes. A vast man-made constructionwhich duplicates human psycho-sexual experiencesthrough tension-releasing fantasy mechanisms.

Larry Farber: Yeah, that’s me on the pirate ride,here. [points]

Beldar Conehead: [to Connie] Similar to the Vactrothpods of Remulak.

Larry Farber: Yeah, Remulak, what is that? A coughmedicine?

Connie Conehead: No! It’s a small town in France.

Larry Farber: Oh. Right.

[Bobbi and Prymaat return carrying a tray of liquorand some snacks which they place on the coffee table.]

Bobbi Farber: Okay, everybody, here’s the drinks. Haveone or two. Right, you know, Larry used to be asemi-professional bartender.

Larry Farber: Aw, come on. I do it – I do it, uh,twice a year for the VFW.

[The Coneheads each grab a bottle from the tray andsit on the sofa chugging from them, to theastonishment of the Farbers.]

Bobbi Farber: [dismayed] Ohhhhh.

Larry Farber: Boy! You people sure know how to suck itback, don’t you? Where do you put it all, huh?

[Larry decides to imitate them and knocks back abottle of his own, much to Bobbi’s alarm.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry, Larry, Larry. Why – why – whydon’t you have some chips and dip? Enjoy yourselves.

[The Coneheads grab fistfuls of chips, plunge theminto the dip and start snarfing them down, fillingtheir faces, spilling crumbs everywhere.]

Bobbi Farber: Here. Watch the table. [Larry imitatesthe Coneheads to Bobbi’s dismay] Larry, Larry, stopit. [wipes crumbs off his mouth] Larry, oh, now Idon’t want you to drink too – Larry, don’t drink toomuch. You remember what happened to me last year whenI drank all that kalua and ate all those scallops.

Larry Farber: Wow, boy, did she get sick. And guesswho had to clean it up? You had to see it! Scallopsand kalua all over the bathroom floor.

[The Farbers laugh nasally, then the Coneheads jump inwith an even more nasal laugh. The Farbers just stareat them.]

Larry Farber: That was funny.

Bobbi Farber: [rises] Wow, gee, we’re still around anhour away from dinner. Why don’t we play a littleScrabble?

The Coneheads: Scrabble?

Beldar Conehead: Scrabble?

Prymaat Conehead: Scrabble?

Connie Conehead: Small rocks for paving roads?

Larry Farber: No, no. That’s gravel. [the Farbersclean off the coffee table] Um, you know, Scrabble,it’s a game. Haven’t you ever heard of Scrabble?

Connie Conehead: Do you have an instruction manual?

Bobbi Farber: Oh, yes. One second. [Bobbi gets theScrabble box]

Larry Farber: Yeah, we do. It’s written right in here.

Bobbi Farber: Here ya go. [hands Scrabble box top toConnie]

Larry Farber: Right there on the back.

[Connie speed reads the instructions to theaccompaniment of an alien sound effect, then handsthem to Beldar who does the same thing and passes theinstructions to Prymaat. When she finishes, she putsthe instructions aside and all three begin rapidlychanting “Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble” andjoin the Farbers in setting up for the game.]

Bobbi Farber: You keep score, Larry.

Larry Farber: I’ll keep score. You catch on prettyfast, you know.

Beldar Conehead: Let us commence!

Larry Farber: Okay.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, wait a minute. I have a word here.I’ll go first.

Larry Farber: Yeah?

Bobbi Farber: F-R-E-S-C-A. Fresca.

Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hooooold it. You can’t usethat.

Bobbi Farber: Why not?

Larry Farber: ‘Cause it’s a soft drink.

Bobbi Farber: So what?

Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.

Prymaat Conehead: S-E-B-F-A-R-G. Sebfarg.

Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hoooold it. Now, what’s asebfarg?

Beldar Conehead: Sebfarg. One of the ten protoids.Self-reproducing fuel source used in our early starcruisers.

Prymaat Conehead: In France.

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, I see.

Larry Farber: [keeping score] How many ya got there?One, two ….

Connie Conehead: K-L-A-T-U. Klatu.

Larry Farber: Hey, maybe we shouldn’t play this gameif we keep using French words. I don’t know.

Bobbi Farber: Right. Larry doesn’t know French becausehe’s a salesman.

Larry Farber: Hey, I’m not a salesman any more,y’know, I got a little piece of the action now,y’know. I don’t know what your bag is, Beldar, but,uh, I’m doing pretty well right now in, uh, women’scommercial hair dryers.

The Coneheads: Hair dryers?

Larry Farber: Oh, yeah. I distribute ’em on thewholesale level.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, oh, show them, Larry.

Larry Farber: [rises] Oh, yeah, let me show ya mynewest model. [briefly exits]

Bobbi Farber: Show them. [to the Coneheads] Larry isthe best salesman in his district, really. This year,he’s done incredibly well. I’m very proud of him.

Larry Farber: [enters with a large hair dryer, thekind you find women sitting beneath in a beauty salon]Yeah, we call this one the Farm.

Bobbi Farber: Right.

[The Coneheads squeal in fear at the sight of the hairdryer which apparently resembles some sort of torturedevice for cones. They rise, move in a panic aroundthe sofa and leap through the large window in the rearof the living room. Beldar goes first, shattering theglass and disappearing from view. Then Connie. ThenPrymaat who stumbles horribly at the sill beforefinally exiting through the frame. Bobbi rises andjoins a confused Larry by the hair dryer.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry?

Larry Farber: Yes, honey?

Bobbi Farber: Do you–?

Larry Farber: Yes, honey?

Bobbi Farber: Do you think “hair dryer” meanssomething bad in French?

Larry Farber: [shrugs] I don’t know. I guess.

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set and pan over thecameras and microphones to the applauding audience inthe Studio 8H balcony. SUPER: COMING UP NEXT …ZIPCODES OF THE GODS]

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