SNL Transcripts: Jack Burns: 03/26/77: Marine Wedding

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Marine Wedding

Chaplain … Jack Burns
Groom … Dan Aykroyd
Bride … Jane Curtin

[Below deck on a ship, a wedding ceremony is inprogress. Most of the guests wear civilian clothes butthe bride, groom, and chaplain are in Marine dressuniforms.]

Chaplain: We are gathered here today in this ship tounite this man, Sergeant Louis Boyd and, uh, thiswoman, Private Kathryn Lazetti, in holy matrimony. Letus be mindful, however, in one sense, that these twopeople are already united under the holiest of allmatrimonies, a commitment to the United StatesMarines. [the bride and groom smile and glance attheir guests] Am I right, Sergeant Boyd?

Groom: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: I can’t hear you.

Groom: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: I still can’t hear you.

Groom: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: I can’t hear you!

Groom: YES, SIR!

Chaplain: [quietly] Living within the sacred, sacredbonds of wedlock requires love, patience andconsideration on the part of both. The rewards, ofcourse, are the warmth and growing beauty which growsfrom a lifelong companionship. [suddenly yells at thebride] Right, maggot?!

Bride: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: Right, maggot?!

Bride: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: Slime?!

Bride: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: What are you?!

Bride: We are slime, sir!

Chaplain: LOUDER!


Chaplain: LOUDER!


Chaplain: [quietly] Do you… do you Sergeant Boydtake this woman, Kathryn Lazetti, to be your lawfullywedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness andhealth, for richer and poorer until the death do youpart?

Groom: [quietly] I do.

Chaplain: I can’t hear you.

Groom: I do.

Chaplain: I can’t hear you!

Groom: I do!

Chaplain: I can’t hear you!

Groom: I DO, SIR!!!

Chaplain: [quietly] And do you, do you, PrivateLazetti… [suddenly yelling] … know the categoriesof explosive mines?! Sound off! On the double!

Bride: Anti-tank! Anti-personnel! Anti-airborne! Anti-Anti-amphibious, sir!

Chaplain: And do you take this MAGGOT!,Sergeant Louis Boyd, do you take him to be yourlawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to holdin hand-to-hand assault position as in combat drillnumber A-1750?! Move!

[The bride and groom instantly perform the drill: heattacks her, she grabs his arm and throws him to theground. He quickly rises and they resume theirplaces.]

Chaplain: Do you?!

Bride: [demurely] I do.

Chaplain: [quietly] All right. I now pronounce you manand wife. [to the groom] You may now describe the 75mm recoilless rifle.

Groom: Air code, single shot, breach-loading weaponusing fixed ammunition, portable, designed to be firedfrom a machine gun tripod mount!

Chaplain: Kiss the bride.

[Groom leans over mechanically, gives bride a quicknoisy smooch, then resumes his place.]

Chaplain: Congratulations. I hope you’ll both be veryhappy and uncomfortable. Reception is on deck. Bridalcouple, wedding guests, file, single, two, move![Bride takes groom’s arm and they hustle off, thewedding guests run off after them, the chaplainscreaming at them] Move! Move it! Move, you people!Move, you slime! I HATE YOUR GUTS!!!

[After all have exited, the chaplain quietly salutesGod and mouths a thank you to Him before we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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