SNL Transcripts: Jack Burns: 03/26/77: Executive Suicide


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Executive Suicide

Mr. Ross … Jack Burns
Sherry … Laraine Newman
Barry Spats … John Belushi
Policeman #1 … Bill Murray
Policeman #2 … Garrett Morris
Tom Sussman … Dan Aykroyd
Lois … Jane Curtin
Mistress … Gilda Radner

[Wealthy executive Mr. Ross sits at his desk in afancy skyscraper office high above the city. He speaksinto his intercom.]

Mr. Ross: Uh, Sherry, can you – can you comein, please, and, uh, bring your – bring your pad withyou?

[Sherry, a daffy blonde receptionist, with a thickCalifornia accent, enters.]

Sherry: Hi, Mr. Ross! Just look at this bosspen I got from a deaf and dumb person who came to thereception desk! It only cost me six dollars! You know,that seemed like a lot of money for a pen but hetalked me into it.

Mr. Ross: [rises] Well, uh, Sherry, will you -will you take a letter, please?

Sherry: [sits at desk] For sure.

[Mr. Ross opens the office window that looks out onthe city skyline, traffic noises drift in from thestreet below.]

Mr. Ross: [dictates, to Sherry] Uh, to, uh, towhom – to whom it may–

Sherry: Oh, damn it! Wait a second. This pendoesn’t work! [shakes the pen] Guy, my friend told meyou can get it to work if you shake it like this. Shesaid it had something to do with Kahoutec. Oh, it’sworking now.

Mr. Ross: Okay, dear.

Sherry: Okay.

Mr. Ross: Uh, to whom it may concern: My, uh,business has gone bankrupt. Fran has left me. I havenothing to live for. So, good-bye forever.

[Mr. Ross leaps up on the window sill and prepares tojump but before he can:]

Sherry: Okay, you want me to read that back toyou, Mr. Ross?

Mr. Ross: [looks back at Sherry] Yeah, okay.[climbs down from sill]

Sherry: Okay. [reads] “To whom it may concern:My business is bankrupt. Fran has left me. So,good-bye forever.”

Mr. Ross: Oh. Uh, make that: “Good-bye forever,good-bye.”

Sherry: [writing] “Good-bye forever,good-bye.”

Mr. Ross: Yeah. Now, would you send out somecopies to my, uh, attorney, my accountant and to theMorgan Trust Company, who is in charge of my estate,and, by the way, would you please cancel my threeo’clock appointment with Barry Spats? Allright?

Sherry: [looks at him, seriously] Mr. Ross. Ithink I know what you need. A nice hot cup of freshcoffee.

Mr. Ross: Uh, no, dear, I’m gonna kill myself.Heh, see?

Sherry: Oh. Well, can I get one?

Mr. Ross: Er, sure, yeah, okay.

Sherry: Thanks.

[Sherry rises and exits. Mr. Ross watches her go,shakes his head, returns to the window, peers down atthe street below. He sees a large fish tank next tothe window, thinks it over, nods, holds his breath,and then plunges his face into the tank, trying todrown himself. Sherry re-enters with a coffee mug andsees Mr. Ross at the fish tank. She crosses to him andtaps him on the shoulder.]

Sherry: Mr. Ross? Mr. Ross?! [pulls him out ofthe tank]

Mr. Ross: [dripping wet, impatient] What is it,Sherry?

Sherry: Look. I know you’re super-preoccupiedand everything but, like, I’d really like the rest ofthe day off. You see, my boyfriend Brad is flying infrom L.A. and he’s rully, rully pissed at me’cause he found out that I went to the Eagles concertwith this guy Greg, who’s rully gay but thatdoesn’t matter to Bra-ad — and, like, I told himthat I rully need some space and that he doesn’t ownme. Don’t you agree, Mr. Ross?

Mr. Ross: I can’t – I can’t – I can’t take itany more, honey. I’m sorry, I’m going! [leaps on tothe window sill]

Sherry: Oh, Mr. Ross! Don’t jump!

[Mr. Ross jumps out the window and screams as iffalling many stories but, in fact, he remains in viewjust outside the window. He turns around and looksdown to see that he is still standing. Laraine Newman,playing Sherry, breaks character.]

Laraine Newman: [dry sarcasm, to host JackBurns who has been playing Mr. Ross] Great leap, Jack.[disgusted, she removes her blonde wig]

Jack Burns: [also breaking character] Um, wha-wha- what happened?

Laraine Newman: Well, that was a realconvincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be askyscraper, you know, we’re supposed to be high abovethe ground and– You were supposed to duck!

Jack Burns: Well, why didn’t somebody tell me?I read the script. It just said jump. It didn’t sayanything about ducking. I mean, it’s– I – I didn’tknow that, you know, uh, Laraine. I–

[John Belushi, playing hip businessman Barry Spats,wearing blue suit and tinted sunglasses, burstsin.]

Barry Spats: Hi! How do you do?! I’m BarrySpats! I believe I have a three o’clock appointmentwith Mr. Ross! Hey!

Laraine Newman: John. Skip the lines. Jackforgot to jump, er, duck.

John Belushi: [instantly breaks character andscreams at an embarrassed Jack Burns] GREAT, JACK!NICE GOIN’! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DOHERE, JACK!

[Sirens wail.]

Laraine Newman: [to Jack Burns] Hey! Hear thosesirens? That’s supposed to be the ambulance thatarrives too late to save you!

Jack Burns: Well, uh, couldn’t we do it over?I’m willing to do it over again–

[Two uniformed policemen, played by Bill Murray andGarrett Morris, enter.]

Policeman #1: Hey, uh, a witness said that theysaw a man jump out of this window!

Policeman #2: Yeah, can you identify him forus? What’s the victim’s name?

Laraine Newman: Drop it, guys.

Policeman #1: [confused] Huh?

Jack Burns: [waves shyly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.

Bill Murray: [breaks character, annoyed] Nicework, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standingup?

[Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin, playing Tom Sussman, ajournalist in a trench coat, and his photographer,Lois, burst in.]

Tom Sussman: Okay! Hold it, everybody! Uh, TomSussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois!This is gonna be a great story! “Wealthy Exec GetsDepressed – Wife Leaves Him – He Takes thePlunge!”

Laraine Newman: Dan! Jane.

[The rest of the cast points or nods in Jack Burns’direction. Dan Aykroyd sees him and breakscharacter.]

Dan Aykroyd: Oh.

Jack Burns: I – I sort of feel responsible forthis, Dan. You see, what–

[Gilda Radner as Mr. Ross’ mistress entersdramatically, screaming horribly, eyes shut tight,clutching her hands to her head. Applause for herentrance.]

Mistress: I just saw him lying on the sidewalk!Oh, my God! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekendin Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we weregonna work it out! But I came to tell him it was over!I feel terrible!

John Belushi: You feel terrible? How do youthink I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving my bigspeech! [disappointed] Oh, God. [off Jack Burns]Because Mr. Improv over here didn’t know how to DUCK![to Jack Burns] ISN’T THAT RIGHT?!

Jack Burns: [quietly] That’s right. I didn’tknow it was in the script.

[Uniformed Boy Scout, carrying flag that reads TROOP35, enters.]

Boy Scout: He was – he was my troop leader.Does this mean the hike is off?

[Disgusted, the cast members begin grumbling andleaving the set.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, let’s get out ofhere.

Gilda Radner: Come on.

John Belushi: Give me a break. How about Mr.Realism over here?

Laraine Newman: You’re on your own,Jack.

John Belushi: Take care.

Bill Murray: Sweet workin’ with ya,Jack!

[The cast exits. Alone on the set, still standingoutside the window, Jack Burns smiles apologeticallyto the camera.]

Jack Burns: I – I – I feel kind of humiliated,you know, fouling the sketch up like this. I did try.I mean, I – I – I’ve been trying all week, uh, I wastrying to get in shape for the show mentally as wellas physically and, uh–

[Burns goes on to introduce a film by GaryWeis.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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