Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 17
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
[ open on Jane seated at newsdesk leaning over toward a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: I think you know what I’m talking about, Harry. You’ve gotta forget her — it’s futile! That woman will stop at nothing. So she makes more money than you do? You have the credibility and can pronounce your R’s. You’re not getting any younger, you know. And I understand you. Join me here at “Weekend Update” — I will be your co-anchorperson, and I will also be your companion. I know what it takes to make a man happy. Have you ever heard of the, uh… Yokahama Rope Trick, Harry? Oh. Well, then… how about the, uh… Embrace with a Bin of Badgers? Come on, Harry — what do you say?[ Jane pulls a switch behind the cutout, moving Reasoner’s lips as she syncs for him ]
Cutout: I’ll think about it, Jane.
Jane Curtin: I know you’ll make the right decision, Harry.[ Jane holds an orgasmic pose, collects her news sheets, then turns to the forst Chromakey image ]
Our top story tonight: At a news conference today, David Frost called his first interview with Ex-President Richard Nixon both candid and revealing. Frost said that Nixon admitted his involvement in Watergate, conceded that Alger Hiss was innocent, apologized for bombing Cambodia, documented Bebe Roso’s underworld connections, and, at one point, actually fell to his knees begging forgiveness from the American people for his crimes. [ audience cheers ] “Unfortunately,” added Frost, “the videotape with this portion of the interview was stolen by Daniel Ellsburg’s psychiatrist.”
Well, the loser of the Jimmy Carter Look-Alike Contest was flown to Washington this week to meet the President. From here, he’ll be flown to Israel, where he also lost the Golda Meir Look-Alike Contest.
Polish movie director Roman Polanski announced plans yesterday to film a remake of Louisa May Alcott’s “Little Women”. [ she blows a raspberry ]
According to a book published this week, not only did George Washington have wooden teeth, but America’s first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware!
Don’t you love history?
Well, the 36-member assassination committee investigating the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, was itself assassinated this week. The committee was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where it died at 2:02, 2:09, 2:17, 2:41, 3:38, and 5:23.
Still to come: Dr. Rene Richards describes her operation. After this message.[ dissolve to ad parody for Leech-Tab 100 ] [ dissolve back to newsdesk ]
Jane Curtin: A “Weekend Update” correction: Last week, we inadvertently reported that California State legislature had changed the state’s name to “Willie Mays”. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Queen Elizabeth II was dtusying electrolysis in her spare time.
More on that assassination committee: 7:55, 8:06, and 11:34.[ Jane turns to a side camera, then returns to the main camera ]
Well, next Monday is Oscar night, and for those of you who are impatient for the results, as we were, we have them! You see, Price Watergouse, the accounting firm that tallies the Academy’s votes, is right here in our building, and one of our writers happened to be walking past their office, and… [ she chuckles ] You know how they say they guard the results — all that security and secrecy. Well, the door was wide open, and some of the envelopes were sitting right there! So we took them. And we do have the results for you right now:
For Best Actor: Sylvester Stallone!
Best Actress: Faye Dunaway, for “Network.
And Best Movie: “All The President’s Men”.
To all the directors, we’re sorry. We couldn’t find your envelope. And to all you viewers, enjoy the show Monday. But you’ll find out that we were right!
Jane Curtin: At a Washington press conference this week, Secretary of Agriculture Bob Birdwin(?) discussed milk price supports. When asked what he thought of President Carter’s decision to raise prices, Birdwin blew his nose in a Dixie cup.
And our final story tonight is a touching one, as Iceberg, the popular polar bear in the London Zoo, gave birth this week to a baby who was named Snowflake by the keepers. It was the 67,000th such birth in captivity, and of no importance to anyone whatsoever!
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.