Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 18
Dr. X, Family Counsellor
Dr. X … Dan Aykroyd
Announcer … Don Pardo
Mark … John Belushi
Harry … Bill Murray
Colleen … Gilda Radner
[A man, in suit and tie, wears an eerie metallic maskwith dark eyeholes, stars and odd rectangular slitscut out of it — sort of a hockey mask from Hell. Withframed diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, hesits at a desk and addresses the camera.]
Dr. X: Hello. I’m Dr. X, Family Counsellor. Familycounseling is a specialized service. My role as aprofessional counselor is to provide a warm, safeatmosphere of trust so that the family can discusstheir problems freely in a comfortable environment.Tonight, please join me as I counsel the “M” family.[Dissolve to a card that reads: DR. X FamilyCounsellor. We hear grandiose soap opera music and thesound of a beating heart.]
Announcer: And now another case from the files of Dr.X, Family Counsellor.[Dissolve to Dr. X’s office. A human skeleton standsby a window where sunlight streams in. Dr. X now leanson the front edge of his desk. The “M” family areseated around him: Mark, an obnoxious young boy whochews gum and wears a baseball cap; Harry, the uptightfather, in a business suit; Colleen, theconservatively-dressed mother, who stares into space.]
Dr. X: Hello, Mark. [puts a hand on Mark’s shoulderwhereupon it is casually revealed that Dr. X’s rightarm is, in fact, a bulky prosthetic device] Hello,Harry. Hello, Colleen. I’m glad that all of you couldcome here today. This is a place to grow, to solveproblems. And we can only do this by talking andcommunicating. I want each of you to feel free to sayanything at all that comes into your mind.
Mark: Where’d ya get that mask?!
Dr. X: [to Harry] It’s all right. [to Mark] Mask? Iguess you mean this mask, Mark. Well, uh, everyone hasan image or a false front in life, Mark. Um, everyonewears a mask.
Mark: Yeah, sure. But not a silver mask with holes init like that one!
Harry: [angry] Mark! [Harry bolts out of his seat andattacks Mark, shouting and strangling his son; Dr. Xpulls Harry away and forces him back to his chair]
Mark: Leave me alone!
Dr. X: All right. Let him have his own space, Harry.That might be part of the problem. He needs breathingspace. [matter-of-fact, to Mark] Mark, fair enough.It’s a question. I’ll answer it. I’ll tell you where Igot the mask. Remember that massive spill of lethalradioactive materials near Beatty, Nevada in 1956?Well, Mark– [starts screaming horribly; Mark andHarry reach out to comfort him]
Mark: Hey! Dr. X! Take it easy!
Dr. X: [sudden calm sing-song] Oh, nothing …[recovers] I’ll be all right. Released a little of myown trauma there. Thank you. [back to business as ifnothing had happened] Harry, what do you see as thesource of the problem in your family now?
Harry: Well, it’s this kid. [points to Mark] He’s myson. He’s rude — you heard him. He’s a rotten kid.Besides, he never listens to his mother. Right,Colleen? [Colleen, who has barely moved, continues tostare into space]
Dr. X: Harry, the boy might just need some elbow room,freedom to express himself. [playfully rubs Mark’sbaseball cap with his prosthetic device] You know,freedom–
Mark: Hey! Where’d ya get that arm?!
Harry: Hey! You fool! [bolts out of his seat,shouting, and punches Mark; Dr. X once again,intervenes and guides Harry back to his chair]
Mark: [making fists at Harry] Try it! Try it! Try it!Try me!
Harry: [yells at Mark] You wanna try the old man?[sits down] You wanna try the old man?
Dr. X: All right. Harry! [calmly, to Mark] I guess youmean this arm. Well, Mark, fair enough. I’ll tell you.Remember in 1958 when the Air Force tried to cover upthat bad rocket sled accident? Well, Mark, I happenedto be the WAAAAAH!– [screams horribly and cries; Markand Harry try to comfort him]
Mark: Dr. X! What’s wrong? What’s wrong, Dr. X?
Dr. X: [sudden calm sing-song] Oh, nothing ….[recovers, acts as if nothing’s happened] Harry,you’ve got a– Well, Colleen, you’ve chosen to remainsilent here. [Colleen still stares into space] Markand Harry have said things. I’d like to know how youfeel.
Harry: She’s fine. [puts an arm around her] Aren’tyou, honey? [kisses her head; she’s unresponsive buthe holds her and touches her affectionately]
Dr. X: Well, she’s not saying a word, Harry.
Harry: She’s good. She’s fine. She’s just fine,she’s–
Dr. X: I think she’s catatonic, Harry. You’ve gottaface up! Now, you came here pretending that it wasMark who needed the treatment when in fact your wifeneeds the counseling and treatment. My colleague, Dr.R. D. Laing, might say that you and Mark are “incollusion.” You’re reinforcing the false reality thatColleen is normal and non-catatonic.
Harry: Come on. She’s just shy, Doctor.
Dr. X: Harry! Harry, wake up and smell the coffee! Thewoman’s vegged out! She’s null and void! It’s – it’s -it’s simple: Jack marries Jill, Jill has Joey, Jill isa veg, Jack won’t admit it, Joey plays along. What doyou think, Mark? [playfully touches Mark’s cap withhis prosthetic device]
Mark: She vegged out! How do you eat with that maskon?
Dr. X: Back off, Mark. I use tubes. And liquidprotein! [again screams horribly; again Mark and Harrytry to comfort him]
Mark: Hey! Dr. X! What’s wrong? Lighten up!
Dr. X: [calm sing-song] Oh, nothing …
Mark: Hey, can you drive a stick shift with that arm?[Harry threatens to attack Mark again but Dr. X waveshim back]
Dr. X: Mark–
Mark: You know, Dr. X–
Dr. X: I happen to own a Lamborghini Miura, a veryexpensive five speed automobile. Yes, I can drive astick shift.
Mark: You’re a freak, you know that?
Dr. X: Thank you.
Mark: But, you know, you’re weird, you know? You’vebeen through some heavy stuff, man, you know? I’d liketo hang out with you if I can.
Dr. X: Mark, you could come here and work at theclinic with me if you wanted to. Would that be allright, Harry?
Harry: Ho ho, if you think you can do something withthis kid, take him. I’d love to get him off my hands.
Dr. X: All right. I think that’s a – a – a goodwork-out of the problem here. [Mark claps his handshappily, Harry sarcastically waves goodbye to Mark] IfMark starts work, then he can, uh– I’ll give him someelbow room, some free space and he can just relax …
Mark: Oh, great!
Dr. X: You can go and start work in the lab right now.[points to a nearby door] Go ahead and, uh, Glindawill give you a lab coat.
Mark: [rises, heads for door] Thanks a lot, Doc! Seeya later, folks! Nice workin’ with ya![As Mark exits out the door, we hear a strange buzzingsound coming from the lab.]
Dr. X: [to Harry] We have to work these problems out.And, uh …[From behind the closed lab door, we hear the strangebuzzing, Mark screaming, a dog barking, more buzzing.]
Harry: [after glancing at Colleen] Hey, X, what’sgoing on in there?
Dr. X: [calm sing-song] Ohhhhhh, nothinnnng …[We hear an offscreen voice say, “Start your crane” asDr. X retreats behind his desk and we hear again histheme music combined with the sound of a beatingheart. A superimposition reads: DR. X FamilyCounsellor.]
Announcer: Join us next week for another case with Dr.X, Family Counsellor.[Dr. X awkwardly tries to pick up a phone from hisdesk with his fake hand and Mark puts his arm aroundColleen as we crane and pan up off the set to revealthe applauding audience and zoom in on onebespectacled woman who peers down at the actors below.A superimposition reads: KNOWS WORDS TO “HOLLYWOODSQUARES” THEME MUSIC. A friend, sitting two seatsover, taps her on the arm. The woman looks over andthen up, registering great surprise — “Oh!” — clapsher hands to her mouth and then laughs.]