Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 18
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here, now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Anita Bryant, former mediocre actress and orange juice promoter, performed coitus in public yesterday, and campaigned to promote heterosexuality. She and her husband assumed the missionary position for two minutes, then announced she is a citrusexual.
Well, another aviation disaster: Dumbo the flying elephant crashed just short of Disneyworld Airport’s runway last night, when one of his ears failed in a hailstorm. It’s the third jumbo crash this month.
This week in sports: in Cincinnati, the opening game betweeb the Reds and the San Diego Padres was canceled due to cocaine. However, 60,000 fans had a good time anyway.
Well, the world’s youngest terrorist was captured this morning, after holding ten people hostage in a Manhattan office building. Authorities met his demands, which included being packed in a box and mailed to Tatum O’Neal.
Surgeons at the University of Missouri reported this week that they have performed the first female-to-male transsexual operation, giving the patient a penis capable of excitement. The penis cotnains a tiny hydraulic system connected to an abdominable reservoir of fluid, which is pumped into the organ for the desired result. Doctors say the mechanism is virtually foolproof, but the patient must return once a year for a thousand-inch check-up.
Still to ocme: Baseball commissioner okays flamethrowers, after this message.[ cut to “Afro Lustre” ad parody ] [ return to Jane Curtin at the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: In Russia this week, their scientists unveiled the world’s first disposable space vehicle. Called the Tamponsky, it is scheduled to dock with the mothership in 29 days.
Heavyweight contender Ken Norton announced he will fights a Rolls-Royce in Madison Square Gardens next month. Shown here with his white opponent, Norton says, “I can take this honky in three rounds!”
When Red Chinese leader Mao Zedong died last year, it was not revealed that his wife, Madame Mao, was pregnant. This week, a baby was born. It has already taken over the reigns of government in Peking. His official title: High Chairman Mao. [ the audience groans ] High Chair… man… Mao. [ Jane tosses the news sheet to the floor ]
Well, the Nw York Port authority has finally given Britain and France permission to land their Concorde SST at Kennedy Airport. The first Concorde bound for Kennedy left Paris two-and-a-half hours ago, and should be arriving in New York right about now. Enviromentalists, who oopose the Concorde because it’s loud — [ sound effects of a Concorde landing outside drown out Jane as she continues to read the story ] But, as usual, the enviromentalists claim that their protests were never heard!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.