SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 04/16/77: ATM Security Tests

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

ATM Security Tests

Written by: Alan Zweibel & Dan Aykroyd

Black Man…..Garrett Morris
White Man…..Bill Murray

[ open on art card: “SATNITE: Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Watching Lloyd Dobyns Right Now?” ] [ dissolve to a huge ATM machine along a bank wall, as two men amble forward ]

Black Man: You jivin’ me now, sucka! There’s no way I’m gonna see any money from you now! This is Saturday night, and all the banks are closed!

White Man: Hey, now, I’m good for it. Don’t press me! I got a 24-hour bank card right here, it’s good for cash any time!

Black Man: Yeah, well, it better work, ’cause if I DON’T collect from you tonight, it’s gonna be bad news for you, SUCKER!!

White Man: Lighten up, man. You’ll get your bread. Now, I use the system all the time. I’ll show ya’. I put the card right in here. [ he pushes his card into the slot ] Now I push the amount of money I owe you. Two-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ]

Black Man: Plus a week’s interest!

White Man: [ he nods ] Four-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And I punch my code number. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And then, uh, the money comes right out here, this little slot. [ he holds his hand out and waits ] Well, usually, it comes right out here. [ nothing ] Well, I don’t know, man. There must be a problem —

[ the screen flashes “Further Info Needed” ]

Black Man: Hey, hey, hey! What’s this, man? What’s this? [ reads ] “Further Info Needed”.

White Man: [ defensive ] I don’t know what’s going on, man, I swear to you I’m not lying! I know it sounds like a ripoff, but it never pulled this before!

[ the screen flashes: “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test” ]

Black Man: Hey! Look! [ reads ] “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test”. What’s..?

White Man: I don’t know, man, this is a bank. You know? They’re so weird, they’re taking over the whole country —

[ the screen flashes: “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c” ]

Black Man: [ points to the screen ] “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c”. What?

[ the screen flashes: “HISTORY: Where is the cradle of civilization? a. WYOMING b. SATURN c. MESOPOTAMIA” ] [ they read the question together ]

Black Man: Uh, punch C! Mesopotamia!

White Man: Are you sure, man..?

Black Man: Punch C!

White Man: Alright. [ he presses C ]

Black Man: Look, man, Mesopotamia’s in the valley of the Tigris and the Euphrates River in Africa! Yeah!

White Man: Alright, alright, alright…

[ the answer blinks correct ]

Black Man: Look at that, see!

White Man: Alright!

[ the screen flashes: “GEOMETRY: A triangle with equal sides is called: a. ISOCELES b. EQUILATERAL c. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

White Man: Hey, wait a minute! Come on! More? More?

Black Man: [ reads ] “A triangle with equal sides is called…”

White Man: I used to know this one.

Black Man: Uh… EQUILATERAL!! Punch B! Punch B!

White Man: [ he punches B, as the answer flashes correctly ] Okay! Alright! We’re hot!

[ the screen flashes: “SPORTS: Basketball star Julius Irving is: a. DR. J b. DR. WELBY c. DR. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

White Man: Oh! Sports! Dr. J! Dr. J! [ he puches A, as the answer flashes correctly ]

Black Man: Okay, now where’s my cash?

White Man: Okay, where’s the cash?

Black Man: Where’s my cash!

White Man: Cash is coming…

[ screen flashes: “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” ]

White Man: [ reading ] “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” Great! Great!

[ screen flashes: “DRIVING TEST” ]

White Man: Driving Test?!

Black Man: You gotta play it their way, man!

White Man: Hey, wait a minute! I’m not prepared for a driving test!

Black Man: You GOT to play it, man!

[ the screen turns blue, as a little white dot circles a simulated racetrack ]

White Man: Hold it! There’s no wheel! [ he crashes the white dot into a wall ]

Black Man: AGGGHHHH!!!

White Man: I’m trying! I’m trying! Hey!

[ screen flashes: “DRUNK DRIVER” in scattered letters ]

White Man: Well, that hurts a little bit, man. I’m sorry.

[ screen flashes: “TESTS COMPLETED WITHDRAW MONEY FROM DISPENSER” ] [ they read the screen together ]

White Man: Okay! Alright! Let’s go! [ he whistles ]

Black Man: [ reading the screen ] “Data source… currency exchange… bulletin…”

White Man: “Urgent bulletin…”

Black Man: “As of April 1977… U.S. Treasury acknowledged legal tender… changed from existing federal reserve… paper currency to headcheese.” Headcheese?

White Man: Headcheese?

[ full screen bulletin appears, as they read it together ]

Black Man: “Effective immediately…”

White Man: “Headcheese to replace the federal reserve notes!”


Black Man: Man! I can’t STAND headcheese!! You know what’s in that stuff, man? You NEVER know what’s in that stuff sometimes!

White Man: “Headcheese Standard Now Effective”?

Black Man: Oh, come on!

[ head cheese begins to dispense from the ATM ]

White Man: Well, here it comes…

Black Man: Ohhhhh, no!!

White Man: I’m sorry, man. Now, don’t get down on ME!! It’s the government, it’s not MY fault!

Black Man: Four-hundred dollars, man! Four-hndred dollars! [ he collects his headcheese with great disappointment ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Will Cherish This Moment” ] [ fade ]

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