SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 04/16/77: ATM Security Tests



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19










76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

ATM Security Tests

Written by: Alan Zweibel & Dan Aykroyd

Black Man…..Garrett Morris
White Man…..Bill Murray

[ open on art card: “SATNITE: Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Watching Lloyd Dobyns Right Now?” ] [ dissolve to a huge ATM machine along a bank wall, as two men amble forward ]

Black Man: You jivin’ me now, sucka! There’s no way I’m gonna see any money from you now! This is Saturday night, and all the banks are closed!

White Man: Hey, now, I’m good for it. Don’t press me! I got a 24-hour bank card right here, it’s good for cash any time!

Black Man: Yeah, well, it better work, ’cause if I DON’T collect from you tonight, it’s gonna be bad news for you, SUCKER!!

White Man: Lighten up, man. You’ll get your bread. Now, I use the system all the time. I’ll show ya’. I put the card right in here. [ he pushes his card into the slot ] Now I push the amount of money I owe you. Two-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ]

Black Man: Plus a week’s interest!

White Man: [ he nods ] Four-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And I punch my code number. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And then, uh, the money comes right out here, this little slot. [ he holds his hand out and waits ] Well, usually, it comes right out here. [ nothing ] Well, I don’t know, man. There must be a problem —

[ the screen flashes “Further Info Needed” ]

Black Man: Hey, hey, hey! What’s this, man? What’s this? [ reads ] “Further Info Needed”.

White Man: [ defensive ] I don’t know what’s going on, man, I swear to you I’m not lying! I know it sounds like a ripoff, but it never pulled this before!

[ the screen flashes: “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test” ]

Black Man: Hey! Look! [ reads ] “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test”. What’s..?

White Man: I don’t know, man, this is a bank. You know? They’re so weird, they’re taking over the whole country —

[ the screen flashes: “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c” ]

Black Man: [ points to the screen ] “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c”. What?

[ the screen flashes: “HISTORY: Where is the cradle of civilization? a. WYOMING b. SATURN c. MESOPOTAMIA” ] [ they read the question together ]

Black Man: Uh, punch C! Mesopotamia!

White Man: Are you sure, man..?

Black Man: Punch C!

White Man: Alright. [ he presses C ]

Black Man: Look, man, Mesopotamia’s in the valley of the Tigris and the Euphrates River in Africa! Yeah!

White Man: Alright, alright, alright…

[ the answer blinks correct ]

Black Man: Look at that, see!

White Man: Alright!

[ the screen flashes: “GEOMETRY: A triangle with equal sides is called: a. ISOCELES b. EQUILATERAL c. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

White Man: Hey, wait a minute! Come on! More? More?

Black Man: [ reads ] “A triangle with equal sides is called…”

White Man: I used to know this one.

Black Man: Uh… EQUILATERAL!! Punch B! Punch B!

White Man: [ he punches B, as the answer flashes correctly ] Okay! Alright! We’re hot!

[ the screen flashes: “SPORTS: Basketball star Julius Irving is: a. DR. J b. DR. WELBY c. DR. MESOPOTAMIA” ]

White Man: Oh! Sports! Dr. J! Dr. J! [ he puches A, as the answer flashes correctly ]

Black Man: Okay, now where’s my cash?

White Man: Okay, where’s the cash?

Black Man: Where’s my cash!

White Man: Cash is coming…

[ screen flashes: “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” ]

White Man: [ reading ] “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” Great! Great!

[ screen flashes: “DRIVING TEST” ]

White Man: Driving Test?!

Black Man: You gotta play it their way, man!

White Man: Hey, wait a minute! I’m not prepared for a driving test!

Black Man: You GOT to play it, man!

[ the screen turns blue, as a little white dot circles a simulated racetrack ]

White Man: Hold it! There’s no wheel! [ he crashes the white dot into a wall ]

Black Man: AGGGHHHH!!!

White Man: I’m trying! I’m trying! Hey!

[ screen flashes: “DRUNK DRIVER” in scattered letters ]

White Man: Well, that hurts a little bit, man. I’m sorry.

[ screen flashes: “TESTS COMPLETED WITHDRAW MONEY FROM DISPENSER” ] [ they read the screen together ]

White Man: Okay! Alright! Let’s go! [ he whistles ]

Black Man: [ reading the screen ] “Data source… currency exchange… bulletin…”

White Man: “Urgent bulletin…”

Black Man: “As of April 1977… U.S. Treasury acknowledged legal tender… changed from existing federal reserve… paper currency to headcheese.” Headcheese?

White Man: Headcheese?

[ full screen bulletin appears, as they read it together ]

Black Man: “Effective immediately…”

White Man: “Headcheese to replace the federal reserve notes!”

[ screen reads: “HEADCHEESE STANDARD NOW EFFECTIVE” ]

Black Man: Man! I can’t STAND headcheese!! You know what’s in that stuff, man? You NEVER know what’s in that stuff sometimes!

White Man: “Headcheese Standard Now Effective”?

Black Man: Oh, come on!

[ head cheese begins to dispense from the ATM ]

White Man: Well, here it comes…

Black Man: Ohhhhh, no!!

White Man: I’m sorry, man. Now, don’t get down on ME!! It’s the government, it’s not MY fault!

Black Man: Four-hundred dollars, man! Four-hndred dollars! [ he collects his headcheese with great disappointment ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Will Cherish This Moment” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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