Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 19
ATM Security Tests
Written by: Alan Zweibel & Dan Aykroyd
Black Man…..Garrett Morris
White Man…..Bill Murray
[ open on art card: “SATNITE: Aren’t You Glad You’re Not Watching Lloyd Dobyns Right Now?” ] [ dissolve to a huge ATM machine along a bank wall, as two men amble forward ]
Black Man: You jivin’ me now, sucka! There’s no way I’m gonna see any money from you now! This is Saturday night, and all the banks are closed!
White Man: Hey, now, I’m good for it. Don’t press me! I got a 24-hour bank card right here, it’s good for cash any time!
Black Man: Yeah, well, it better work, ’cause if I DON’T collect from you tonight, it’s gonna be bad news for you, SUCKER!!
White Man: Lighten up, man. You’ll get your bread. Now, I use the system all the time. I’ll show ya’. I put the card right in here. [ he pushes his card into the slot ] Now I push the amount of money I owe you. Two-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ]
Black Man: Plus a week’s interest!
White Man: [ he nods ] Four-hundred bucks. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And I punch my code number. [ the numbers beep as he pushes the buttons ] And then, uh, the money comes right out here, this little slot. [ he holds his hand out and waits ] Well, usually, it comes right out here. [ nothing ] Well, I don’t know, man. There must be a problem —[ the screen flashes “Further Info Needed” ]
Black Man: Hey, hey, hey! What’s this, man? What’s this? [ reads ] “Further Info Needed”.
White Man: [ defensive ] I don’t know what’s going on, man, I swear to you I’m not lying! I know it sounds like a ripoff, but it never pulled this before![ the screen flashes: “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test” ]
Black Man: Hey! Look! [ reads ] “To Obtain Cash Complete Security Test”. What’s..?
White Man: I don’t know, man, this is a bank. You know? They’re so weird, they’re taking over the whole country —
Black Man: [ points to the screen ] “I.Q. Quiz. Choose a, b or c”. What?[ the screen flashes: “HISTORY: Where is the cradle of civilization? a. WYOMING b. SATURN c. MESOPOTAMIA” ] [ they read the question together ]
Black Man: Uh, punch C! Mesopotamia!
White Man: Are you sure, man..?
Black Man: Punch C!
White Man: Alright. [ he presses C ]
Black Man: Look, man, Mesopotamia’s in the valley of the Tigris and the Euphrates River in Africa! Yeah!
White Man: Alright, alright, alright…
Black Man: Look at that, see!
White Man: Alright![ the screen flashes: “GEOMETRY: A triangle with equal sides is called: a. ISOCELES b. EQUILATERAL c. MESOPOTAMIA” ]
White Man: Hey, wait a minute! Come on! More? More?
Black Man: [ reads ] “A triangle with equal sides is called…”
White Man: I used to know this one.
Black Man: Uh… EQUILATERAL!! Punch B! Punch B!
White Man: [ he punches B, as the answer flashes correctly ] Okay! Alright! We’re hot![ the screen flashes: “SPORTS: Basketball star Julius Irving is: a. DR. J b. DR. WELBY c. DR. MESOPOTAMIA” ]
White Man: Oh! Sports! Dr. J! Dr. J! [ he puches A, as the answer flashes correctly ]
Black Man: Okay, now where’s my cash?
White Man: Okay, where’s the cash?
Black Man: Where’s my cash!
White Man: Cash is coming…[ screen flashes: “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” ]
White Man: [ reading ] “Congratulations!!!! YOU HAVE ANSWERED CORRECTLY You now qualify for the optional genius test.” Great! Great![ screen flashes: “DRIVING TEST” ]
White Man: Driving Test?!
Black Man: You gotta play it their way, man!
White Man: Hey, wait a minute! I’m not prepared for a driving test!
Black Man: You GOT to play it, man![ the screen turns blue, as a little white dot circles a simulated racetrack ]
White Man: Hold it! There’s no wheel! [ he crashes the white dot into a wall ]
Black Man: AGGGHHHH!!!
White Man: I’m trying! I’m trying! Hey![ screen flashes: “DRUNK DRIVER” in scattered letters ]
White Man: Well, that hurts a little bit, man. I’m sorry.[ screen flashes: “TESTS COMPLETED WITHDRAW MONEY FROM DISPENSER” ] [ they read the screen together ]
White Man: Okay! Alright! Let’s go! [ he whistles ]
Black Man: [ reading the screen ] “Data source… currency exchange… bulletin…”
White Man: “Urgent bulletin…”
Black Man: “As of April 1977… U.S. Treasury acknowledged legal tender… changed from existing federal reserve… paper currency to headcheese.” Headcheese?
White Man: Headcheese?[ full screen bulletin appears, as they read it together ]
Black Man: “Effective immediately…”
White Man: “Headcheese to replace the federal reserve notes!”[ screen reads: “HEADCHEESE STANDARD NOW EFFECTIVE” ]
Black Man: Man! I can’t STAND headcheese!! You know what’s in that stuff, man? You NEVER know what’s in that stuff sometimes!
White Man: “Headcheese Standard Now Effective”?
Black Man: Oh, come on![ head cheese begins to dispense from the ATM ]
White Man: Well, here it comes…
Black Man: Ohhhhh, no!!
White Man: I’m sorry, man. Now, don’t get down on ME!! It’s the government, it’s not MY fault!
Black Man: Four-hundred dollars, man! Four-hndred dollars! [ he collects his headcheese with great disappointment ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Will Cherish This Moment” ] [ fade ]